Last night's Super Bowl was the single most watched event in television history. With a few tweaks here and there, next year's big game can be even more popular. And, as anyone who ever attended high school knows, popular means better.
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10. Have More Creative “In Case You Forgot, One of the Quarterbacks Has Been Accused of Rape a Couple Times” Graphics
FOX did an adequate job reminding viewers that the Pittsburgh Steelers' road to the Super Bowl began when the district attorney decided not to press charges, but next year they can really spice things up a bit. Pyrotechnics and dramatic reenactments may be over the top, but perhaps having one of their scoreboard laser-robots get a little frisky with Joe Buck to show children what it takes to play in the big leagues would be a fun treat.
9. Hire at Least 17 More Pre-Game Analysts
Just ask ESPN. When it comes to television personalities, quantity is far more important than quality. Besides, making well-thought-out points is a lot easier when you’re fighting for airtime with a man in his late 40s who still refers to himself in the third person.
8. Provide a Cheat Sheet to the Person Singing the National Anthem
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Up until yesterday, I assumed they were already doing this. Perhaps this falls under the “better late than never” category?
7. Exclusively Show Banned Super Bowl Commercials
These tend to be more interesting and usually feature either nudity or web domain registry information. Pepsi and Doritos have had a nice run, but I’m tired of having to fire up the computer to look at Danica Patrick's, um, shoulders.
6. Pick One Story Angle and Then Beat it to Death the Entire Game
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It was tough trying to focus on the “which town is the most depressing and needs this victory more,” “Does this make Aaron Rodgers better than Brett Favre,” and “Will Ben Roethlisberger Sexually Assault Karma in the locker room,” angles. Viewers at home want Troy Aikman to find one storyline that has nothing to do with the game and then repeatedly bring it up at inopportune times. It's Broadcasting 101.
5. Interview Athletes Who Look Frustrated and Ready to Crack during Half-Time
Nobody likes hearing an educated coach choose his words carefully while trying not to stare at Suzy Kolber’s breasts. The American public wants a quasi-racist linebacker accusing his quarterback of shaving points or partying too hard at the strip club the night before.
4. Create a Super-Special Touchdown worth 20 points
This way the game will never be completely out of reach.
3. Allow the Cast of Glee to play Special Teams
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This way the announcers won’t have to plug the show every 30 seconds. Executive Producers could enjoy publicity (they don’t need) every time the 31-year-old high school sophomore runs down a punt return.
2. Never Let the Dallas Cowboys Play In It
By far, the best part of yesterday’s game was the constant “imagine how tough this must be for Jerry Jones” comments from the broadcast booth. If we can focus on how disappointed Cowboys fans must be every year, the game will never be a complete loss.
1. Make a Wrangler Jeans Commercial Where John Madden Spends 30 Seconds Telling Brett Favre How Great They Make His Ass Look
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Seriously, how has this not happened yet?