The Top 10 Movies Douchebags Love
5. Fight Club
Source: 20th Century Fox
It should be stated up front that I mean no disrespect to David Fincher by having two of his films on the same list. Things just kind of happened that way. I am not my top ten list. I am not my smarmy observations.
And David Fincher is not a unique snowflake.
But Fight Club is a kick ass movie. Like a fine wine it has aged well, and some would go so far as to suggest it even predicted some of the calamities of the early twenty first century. (New York skyscrapers get destroyed, credit is annihilated, creative ways of making bombs become a popular pastime amongst terrorists.) Violence is really the key to understanding why this movie is so popular with douchebags. The movie, at its heart, is about the soulless disconnection men experience in the modern, corporatized world. Their jobs emasculate them and their materialism numbs them.
But all the douchebags see is bare-knuckle fighting in basements and clever ways of converting soap into flammable civil disobedience. The complexities of the metaphors go over their heads, and they’re left with Brad Pitt espousing bite-sized nuggets of self-destructive wisdom.
One man’s allegory is another douchebag’s excuse to get into a barroom brawl.
4. Wall Street
Source: 20th Century Fox
No one’s saying Wall Street isn’t a great movie, because it obviously is. Oliver Stone doesn’t have that many great movies to lay claim to, and the upcoming sequel to Wall Street looks like it’s going to be more evidence of his ham-handedness. No, the problem isn’t that Wall Street isn’t awesome, it’s that it taught a generation of douchebags the wrong lesson about modern finance.
The moral of the story is: Greed is bad, seeing as Bud (Charlie Sheen) goes to jail. But all the douchebags heard was: Greed is good, because Gekko (Michael Douglas) said so. Did the douchebags fail to notice that Gekko also goes to jail? For, like, twenty years?! Apparently they did, because our government recently had to bail out financial institutions to the tune of over $17 trillion to date, and it’s not like the biggest economic crisis since the Great Depression is over, either.
Wall Street (the movie) is not to blame for the stupidity, greed, and irresponsible risk-taking behavior of Wall Street (the culture) of the past decade and a half. Only a douchebag would watch a public service announcement about the dangers of playing with fire and immediately afterwards buy the best Zippo he can afford.
3.The Boondock Saints
Source: 20th Century Fox
You really do have to be a douchebag to love this movie. Mindless entertainment at its best, The Boondock Saints takes many generic elements and blends them all into one tasteless movie, even if it is mildly amusing. Two brothers, Connor and Murphy McManus, after getting accosted by a couple of Russian mafia goons, inadvertently kill said goons and win the love and admiration of their Irish Boston community for ridding the streets of a couple of violent criminals.
For the rest of the movie they proceed, in increasingly implausible feats of Tarantinoesque ridiculousness, to shoot down any and all mobster lowlifes they come across. Despite the fact that they’ve presumably never fired a gun before, they are now crack shots – even when dangling by their ankles upside down. They have the enviable ability to aim a pistol and have their bullets annihilate any living thing within a ten mile radius.
The beauty of this movie is that it tries so hard to replicate Tarantino’s work and falls so obviously short, and yet douchebags don’t know the difference between Boondock Saints and Reservoir Dogs. They are simply different chapters in the same book, despite the transparent inferiority of the one to the other.
The sad coda to this story is that there is now a sequel headed our way: The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. With any luck this gem will go straight to DVD – not that it really matters. Douchebags don’t watch anything they can’t TiVo fourteen months after its theatrical release.
2. The Fast and the Furious
Source: Universal Pictures
This franchise has lasted so much longer than anyone could have ever imagined. It really is the gift to douchebags that keeps on giving. The geniuses who market these films have all the imagination of a brain-damaged goldfish, as the titles change so imperceptibly from film to film that it’s hard to keep track of just which movie you’re watching. Let’s put things into perspective: the first film is titled The Fast and the Furious, the fourth and most recent is called Fast and Furious. Turns out the simple removal of an article and a conjunction is an easy, painless way to get from one end of a douchebag franchise to the other.
And oh, how the douchebags love this franchise. Why shouldn’t they? What’s not for a douchebag to love? You’ve got Vin Diesel (who was smart enough to ditch the middle two films – that is, before his “career” took the surprising twist of going absolutely nowhere), you’ve got Paul Walker (You first saw this douchebag in 1999 in which horrible high school movie: A) She’s All That or B) Varsity Blues? Answer: Both!), and you’ve got a bunch of crappy cars pimped out for street racing. If you’re a douchebag and you haven’t had a waking wet dream at this point in the paragraph, then you have a steelier constitution than your brethren.
As long as there are people out there who want to see boneheads drive pimped-out Toyotas in improbably dangerous situations while spitting out forgettable one-liners, interspersed with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker punching each other (or other people), this franchise might never end. I guess young men obsessing about cars is better than young men obsessing about guns, though it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the grease monkeys to the guys who wear camouflage as urban fashion.
Source: Universal Pictures
Admittedly director Brian De Palma’s best film (Oliver Stone wrote the script) in which Al Pacino plays one of his most famous parts, Scarface has become the cinematic anthem of douchebags everywhere. It stands for everything douchebags hold highest in movies: graphic violence, luxury, and unparalleled machismo. Deep down in the heart of every douchebag there’s a little Tony Montana that just wants to show the world that he can kill and screw anything, perhaps not in that order.
Buried beneath the violence and glitter of this movie is a morality play. Tony’s greed and self-indulgence become his own undoing. The very things that make him successful as head of the cartel make him unsuccessful as a human being. It suffices to say douchebags are uninterested in the finer points of De Palma’s fable.
The tragedy of Scarface and its popularity amongst douchebags is that, even more than Wall Street, this movie represents for them the epitome of the American dream. Tony accomplishes everything they wish they could, and he embodies everything they wish they did. Tony, the immigrant Cuban, in effect becomes the perfect American. There is nothing and no one he cannot buy, sell, or kill – the world is his canvas to splatter with as much blood as he likes. Within this platonic ideal of America, those who maneuver their way to the top are entitled to unbridled narcissism, whatever that might mean to them.
And that right there is the dream of douchebags everywhere. Gives me the chills more than any chainsaw ever could.