The Top 10 Weirdest Products on Amazon.com

July 13, 2010

Amazon is mainly a website that sells books and games and assorted other normal everyday products. But in the dark back alleys of Amazon, in the places most people stay clear of, are a number of products that, well, are weird. Really weird.

Source: Amazon.com

By Danny Harkins

 

10. A Gallon of Milk

I'm not entirely sure who exactly needs a gallon of milk, delivered within one week and, probably, slightly warm, but I guess these people must exist, or else Amazon wouldn't be selling it. It costs $77.76, so if you're absolutely desperate for some cereal or coffee, you're all out of milk, you've got $80 and you're prepared to wait a couple of days, then this is the product for you, crazy person.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

A book called The Wolf Almanac: A Celebration of Wolves and Their World, because people who order a gallon of milk online do not make rational or logical buying decisions.

Funniest Review

"Has anyone else tried pouring this stuff over dry cereal? A-W-E-S-O-M-E!"

 

9. Steering Wheel Desk Tray

I can't tell you how many times I've been driving along the highway, using my mobile phone with one hand, drinking some coffee with the other and trying to play Call of Duty on a laptop balanced on my knees. If only there was some product that would allow me to conveniently do all three things at once. Well now there is! With this handy wheel desk tray, you can do all of these activities and more, the "more" consisting mainly of crashing into a truck and sustaining severe spinal injuries.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

Bioshock 2 and forceps. Bioshock 2 to play on the wheel tray, the forceps to close off your ruptured arteries that are spilling blood all over the car that just smashed through your windscreen.

Funniest Review

"Wow is this thing great! I use it as a 'mini-bar' when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate. Also, I am now dating a midget and she fits nicely on the steering wheel desk which allows us to experiment sexually while driving. This thing is like WD-40 or duct tape, it has a million and one uses!"

 

8. 32 Ounces of Wolf Urine

I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why someone would want 32 ounces of animal piss. Hunting, right? Something like that? Still, if I ordered it, I'd want it delivered in a plain brown box, just so the deliveryman didn't think I was a pervert.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

32 ounces of coyote urine. If you order both of these at once, prepare to get some strange looks from your bank manager next time he sees your credit statement.

Funniest Review

"Today is Valentine's Day and I hoped that a little splash of this would drive my lady wild. But alas... I sleep alone again. Also I keep hearing all this howling outside my bedroom."

 

7. UFO Detector

The UFO detector is designed to "sense disturbances" and will signal a UFO's presence by "flashing an LED and beeping." Now, I'm no big city scientist, but that looks like some randomly connected electronics in a cheap plastic case to me. It only costs $149.95 though, which is pretty cheap considering it can detect things that don't actually exist using technology that doesn't make any sense. 

Customers who bought this item also bought...

Razor blades, for the mass suicide when the aliens come i.e. when the cheap electronics break on the UFO detector and it starts beeping repeatedly.

Funniest Review

"I only got my grade 10 and there's a lotta stuff that goes over my head, but it's plain to me that this thing ain't no UFO detector ... it's a transmitter that them aliens use to home in on their next probin victim. The other reviews show all kinds of folks what bought this thing and then got unwanted visitors at their back door. See the connection? It ain't no coincidents.

My theory is that the company sellin this thing "Images SI Inc" is run by hoorny aliens. This here UFO-01 is like a Martian's daterape drug. Even worse (or maybe better?): they make money on us humans buying the things from them and then they get a booty call as soon as the thing ships.  So in a way, them aliens running "Images SI Inc" are intergalactive prostotutes."

 

6. Coffin

Why would anyone buy a coffin online? Do people shop around for coffins? Are there coffin comparison websites? In any case, if you need a coffin at short notice, Amazon's the place to go. Maybe you accidentally killed a guy, or you work for the mob. 

Customers who bought this item also bought...

An alarm system. Bought, I guess, by a vampire who wants to make sure he wakes up if any Val Helsing wannabe opens up his new coffin.

Funniest Review

"My grand daughter picked it up weeks before I passed away. I spent the remainder of my days comfortable. Three floods and my body hasn't sank. I am all bones now so not much to wash away."

 

 

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5. Land Cruiser Tank

Yes, you can buy a tank on Amazon. It costs $20,000 dollars, but still, it's a f***ing tank. It holds a crew of up to five people in an interior which is described as "fully carpeted and cozy." Unfortunately, it isn't licensed for use on public roads, which raises the question: just who exactly is buying these things? Insurgents? Anti-Obama types? Pro-Obama types? Either way, you might want to get one yourself, just so you don't feel left out when the revolution comes.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

A book called The Making of the Atomic Bomb. Really, this article shouldn't be on Spike.com. The Washington Post should be covering this.

Funniest Review

"I am an acquisitions officer for an artillery unit in the Russian Army. Since mafia hooligans stole all of our equipment to sell to Kyrgyzstani rebels, we have been looking for a low-cost alternative to the T-80 Main Battle Tank. After successful trials at a facility in Moscow, this so-called "Badonkadonk" was approved for use in the Chechen theatre. Initial reports were favourable, but then somebody noticed that the tank lacked a cannon, treads, and armor, and possessed the engine of an electric bicycle. It did, however, have an excellent audio system, but this failed to compensate for its disappointing 100% mortality rate. Recommended only for use against Lithuanians."

 

4. The 2009-2014 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China

As far as I can tell, this is a 141-page report on wooden toilet seats in greater China. It costs $495. I know what you're thinking though. You're thinking, "Well that's great, but how can I accurately judge the state of wooden toilet seats in greater China for 2009-2014 without knowing the state of wooden toilet seats in greater China for 2007-2012?" Well, don't worry, Amazon's got that too: The 2007-2012 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

Nothing. I guess the Outlook for Wooden Toilet Seats in Greater China is such a great read that there is no need to buy anything else ever again.

Funniest Review

"This is so weird. My husband and I were just discussing the 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China the other day. Now today, here I am surfing Amazon and wouldn't you know it? The 2009-2014 outlook for wood toilet seats in greater China. I am so happy the price seems reasonable. I'm thinking Amazing Anniversary Present!!!!!!"

 

3. Uranium Ore

As far as I can tell, this is a genuine product. You can actually buy uranium from Amazon, for "testing Geiger Counters." I assume the amount is too small to do any real damage, but maybe you could build a really small nuclear bomb, although you would have to pretend you were actually building a really small nuclear power station, or else the really small United Nations would impose some really small sanctions on you.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

Someone bought a bird feeder. Look out for a winged superhero mutant solving crime in an area near you soon. Either that, or a lot of dead birds.

Funniest Review

"I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty."

 

2. Discover Penis Enlargement Self-Hypnosis CD

According to the product description, this CD allows you to "overcome emotional and psychological blocks that stunt your growth." Now, like I mentioned earlier, I'm no big city scientist, but I'm pretty sure that's not how biology works. The CDs creator, Steve G Jones, is an M. Ed, which Google tells me means Master of Education. He presumably has a degree in bulls*** from the University of Making Money Through People's Inadequacies.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

Exercising The Penis: How To Make Your Most Prized Organ Bigger, Harder & Healthier (Penis Enlargement). Guys, go out and meet some women. They don't care. Really.

Funniest Review

"My nether regions are now nearly the length of a damn football field. Yeah, thanks ALOT! I can barely shoehorn myself into a pair of pants and when I finally do, I walk around with a TENTPOLE bulging out the front. Talk about uncomfortable! I got fired from my job because they claimed I was being "entirely inappropriate in the workplace." It's not like I could help it!"

 

1. Dead Rabbit

Having a dinner party? Don't have any food? Do you have a crippling fear of supermarkets and the outside world in general? Well, Amazon's got you covered, assuming you like rabbit. For just $38.50, you can get your hands on one dead rabbit. Alternatively, you can sneak into your neighbor's house and teach the kid next door a vital lesson in coping with the loss of a loved one.

Customers who bought this item also bought...

Ballpoint pens, sharpies, and staplers. Some little girl somewhere is opening her birthday present to find a stapled together dead rabbit with a smiley face drawn on it.

Funniest Review

"How many weekends have I spent in the loincloth, knife clenched in my teeth, running through the fields trying to find a rabbit? (A bunch, trust me on this, a bunch). All so I can have something to sacrifice on the altar once I get to the cave. Now, with this, it's home, fix a cocktail, go through the day's mail, finish my drink and drive over to the cave, yank this carcass out of the box and offer this at the feet of my dark lord and master, boom, done. I'm happy, my dark lord and master is happy, everybody wins. What a time saver."

 

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