We've all seen them before. The shirtless fat guy that smells like hot dogs and gambling losses. The nerdy college kid who brings up field goal percentages of his favorite players at dinner parties. The group of frat guys that try to start fights at family restaurants when their favorite teams games aren't on the Applebee's television. Annoying fans are all over the country, but it seems like some teams have a more dedicated base of douchebags than others. Take a look at the ten worst offenders...
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10. Oakland Raiders
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Is there anything more intimidating than a 43-year-old middle manager with Type 2 diabetes, black facepaint, and children who refer to him as “that guy who used to be married to my Mom?” Forget the world of sports, Raiders fans may actually be the least threatening and most depressing people on the planet. It honestly seems like they'd be better served spending Sundays at some sort of self-help group than watching semi-professional football in a stadium clouded with the stench of failure and stale popcorn. "Raider Nation" likes to claim that Oakland Coliseum is the most frightening place in the world to play, yet pretty much every visiting team walks away with a win. The only people losing anything outside of the Oakland locker room are the 19 a-holes who showed up drunk to their fantasy football league and accidentally took JaMarcus Russell in the 42nd round. If that fleshy pile of bones in a white track suit that sits in Al Davis’ old seat could see what this franchise has become, he’d be rolling over in his hyperbaric chamber.
9. Montreal Canadiens
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Imagine the most annoying French person you’ve ever met…Now picture 18,250 or so of them together under one roof, and you might get a vague idea of what the Canadiens’ fan base is all about. Years ago, Montreal fans decided that instead of supporting their team or bathing on a regular basis, they would prefer to torment their best players and effectively eliminate themselves from Stanley Cup contention every year. They made Patrice Brisebois, a homegrown blueliner who won community service awards, leave town in tears and recently decided the best way to foster their young, superstar goaltender (Carey Price) was to boo him relentlessly to the point where he looked like he was going to have a mental breakdown during the post-series handshake. There was even a prop bet in Vegas about how Price was going to kill himself after the game. Way to shatter your one young prospect’s confidence for years to come. Salut!
8. Duke Blue Devils Basketball
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Every Friday night, just before Dick Vitale pleasures Mike Krzyzewski under the scorers table, a collection of nerdy Duke students pitch tents outside Cameron Indoor Stadium and stay up all night playing board games while waiting in line to watch their team make yet another glorious run to the second round of the NCAA tournament. They put on full blue body paint, jump around like a bunch of meth addicts for three hours, and then wonder why the school’s virginity rate is right on par with their field goal percentage. The average Duke fan is like that kid in elementary school with a collared shirt and pleated slacks who asks the teacher if she forgot to assign homework, while his Mommy tells him that “people are just jealous of how unique and talented you are” when nobody comes to his birthday party at the Planetarium.
7. English Soccer Fans
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British hooligans may be higher on this list, if not for fear of retaliation. In 1985, Liverpool followers killed 39 opposing fans at a Juventus match in an event that their supporters called “a disappointing loss where some people happened to get murdered.” English football fanatics are everything the Oakland Raider fans wish they were, yet lose some points for being the only group that openly lists a murder rate on their game day programs with goals scored and dives taken.
6. Dallas Cowboys
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This is a group of people who blindly follow Jerry Jones, a self-entitled billionaire who lists Satan as his medical emergency contact and just spent taxpayer dollars to build a $1.2 billion football stadium/middle finger to every unemployed oil worker in the state of Texas (but it has a pretty kick-ass scoreboard that usually doesn’t get in the way of punts). Whether they’re educated professionals, unemployed hicks, or that awkward guy in HR who wears ass-less chaps to happy hour – the one thing you can always count on with Cowboys fans is the way they share their views like they’re going out of style (which given their Texas roots, usually are.) “Emmitt Smith is the greatest running back of all-time,” “Tony Romo probably didn’t get syphilis from Jessica Simpson,” or “Screw you – my wife would have to gain at least 12 pounds to play offensive line for the Steelers.” It almost seems like the only thing they enjoy more than throwing out the phrase “Everything’s bigger in Texas” to any girl they’re willing to show their 1996 Divisional Champion t-shirt to, is bringing the Cowboys into everyday conversation.
I’ve actually been in meetings before where a Cowboys fan, with a straight face, tried to use Troy Aikman’s broadcasting career as a metaphor for rejuvenated sales numbers, yet I was the one who got written up by the ass-less chap wearing HR guy when I called him the most useless person to every work at a Dairy Queen. Let that be a lesson - they're not just annoying. Cowboys fans are everywhere.
5. Vancouver Canucks
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It’s remarkable how arrogant the fan base of a team with zero Stanley Cups, no Hall of Fame players, and two homoerotic Swedish twins that seem physically afraid of the playoffs can act. It’s literally mind-boggling! These days, when they’re not too busy demanding trades on local radio shows or reminiscing about that year they almost signed Wayne Gretzky, you can usually find Canucks fans preaching about how hosting Jarome Iginla and the Canadian Olympic team will finally establish their city as a genuine hockey town (sort of like how marrying Lamar Odom made Khloe Kardashian a real celebrity – legitimacy by association).
Next time you see a suspected pyramid schemer in the corner of a trendy wine bar sporting a $200 hair cut, $900 suit, and emanating a distinct air of scumbag from his Drakkar Noir-soaked pores - go ahead and ask him about Kevin Bieksa, because odds are he’s a Vancouver Canucks fan and doesn't want to cry himself to sleep again before throwing out obscene predictions about the Norris Trophy.
4. Philadelphia Eagles
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This is a fanbase that still talks about pelting Santa Claus with snowballs 30 years after it happened the same way normal people reference World War II or the moon landing. They cheered when Michael Irvin lay on the ground battling paralysis, complain non-stop about making four straight NFC Conference Championship games, and haven’t had a single attractive fan in the stands since 1986.
3. Boston Red Sox
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Come on Sox fans, you had to have seen this coming. For God sakes, Ben Affleck has become the celebrity poster boy of your fanbase. For years you were the lovable losers with a humorous outlook and refreshing sense of humility that endeared you to the sporting world. Hell, you were the Susan Lucci of baseball and everyone loved you for it! But then, in 2004, after winning the World Series you became the nerdy girl who grew boobs one summer, got really hot, and became an unbelievable bitch to everyone around her because she didn’t know when this new found popularity or social success would end. Sox fans became more arrogant than Yankees fans ever were, and suddenly began spending Steinbrenner-type money while still bemoaning the Yankees' business structure. The irony, much like the douchebags that line Fenway Park, is getting out of control.
2. Ohio State Buckeyes
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This is a team whose main cheer consists of spelling their state in repetitive succession. OH-IO…OH-IO… We get it! You passed remedial English and are really excited to show off your basic grasp of the language to the three attractive girls from Ann Arbor who actually visited the Columbus campus over the weekend. Yes, it’s adorable that every one of your alumni is playing a 52-year-long game of “I bet I can annoy everyone I meet today,” but maybe it’s time to get a life and stop idolizing some geek in a sweater vest who just crossed out “get horribly outcoached in two straight BCS Championship games” off his bucket list.
We couldn’t find a class called “Over-Celebrating Easy Wins” or “80 Years of Relentless Annoyance” in the schools’ academic brochure, but it’s impossible to think that anybody is born as irritating as the average Buckeyes’ fan. This disregard for basic human decency has to be learned at some point.
1. Chicago Cubs
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Seriously, shut the f*** up already. Spending every single offseason explaining why “this is going to be the year” they finally win their first World Series since Babe Ruth graduated the seventh grade is getting old. Clearly God hates you and it’s time to move on. It has literally been over 100 years since this team’s last championship, yet it feels much longer with the amount of time their fans have spent bitching about it. And what makes it worse is that they simply can’t accept that it might actually be due to the fact that they suck as a franchise. Blame a black cat, a billy goat, or Steve Bartman for trying to catch a foul ball in the NLCS. Don’t blame Mark Prior and the Cubs’ pitching staff for giving up eight runs afterwards. Cubs fans need to change their motto from “Seriously, this is our year” to “Who else can we blame our complete ineptitude on?” How bout Dave Coulier? He’s not doing much these days. Is there any way to blame him for this awful 2009 season?