When Animals Invade: The Six Species That Are Trying to Take Over the World
3. Mormon Crickets
Source: Brian Head
If you read the previous entry, then you know that the east cost of America is pretty much f***ed (if you didn't read the previous entry - go back and read the previous goddamn entry). So all you westerners must be feeling pretty smug right now, huh? No insect enslavement for you, right? Wrong, because come next summer, multiple hoards of crickets will begin marching across Nevada and Utah, stopping only to eat all the crops, and cannibalize those who don't march fast enough.
Yeah that's right, Mormon Crickets are cannibals, and any cricket that doesn't constantly move is eaten by those behind. That's how badass these guys are.
But it' not just other crickets these insects terrorize, they also attack humans. As one Nevada resident told the Wall Street Journal: "You'll wake up and there'll be one sitting on your forehead, looking at you". And probably holding a miniature knife and fork in its tiny cricket hands.
The Mormon Crickets can cause car accidents by swarming in their thousands across roads, and snowplows are often employed to remove all the slippery, squished dead bodies from the tarmac. Others measures used to fight the infestation include playing Led Zeppelin at loud volumes in order to scare the crickets away, and a cricket control scheme funded by a $1 million grant from the government, something John McCain is apparently pissed of about. But then, experts agree that John McCain is probably a Mormon Cricket in disguise (same experts as above).
Source: Luis Ascui/Getty Images News/Getty Images
In 2003, cattle ranches in New South Wales, Australia, faced an outbreak of kangaroos. The area was overrun with over 14 million of the marsupials, who took over the land in response to drought conditions. In an attempt to bring the numbers of kangaroos down to manageable levels, hunters were brought in to shoot over two million of the species.
Still, you could hardly call that an attempt to take over the world right? It's just one, unique event. Not a problem. Except that in 2009 it happened again, when kangaroos took over the Queensland town of Thargomindah. The town had a population of just 203 people, until 50 kangaroos arrived and began terrorizing the townsfolk. It was exactly like an old western movie, except with kangaroos instead of Mexican bandits.
It's not known if the kangaroos stomped any of the townsfolk to death, but perhaps the story of the Ettlin family will shed some light on the violent, vengeful nature of kangaroos. In March of this year, in another Australian town, Beat Ettlin was sleeping peacefully alongside his partner when a kangaroo smashed through his bedroom window and landed on his bed. "My initial thought when I was half awake was: it's a lunatic ninja coming through the window," said Mr Ettlin, a man who clearly knows f*** all about ninjas. Ettlin then proceed to follow the "thrashing and bleeding two meter tall marsupial and wrestled it into a headlock before dragging it down the hallway and out the front door."
Three invasions in six years. It doesn't take Glenn Beck to see the pattern here. Australians - practice your headlocking, kangaroo-dragging skills, you've got a kangaroo coup coming your way any day now.
1. Australian Mice
Source: Bert and Babs Wells/Photolibrary/Getty Images
But first, you've got thousands of f***ing mice to deal with. Australia regularly gets plagues of mice, who eat all the crops and scare the crap out of the womenfolk and elephants.
One of the worst of these occurred in 1993, when hundreds of thousands of mice took over parts of the country. The mice would infest homes, eat crops, and destroy machinery. They would attack livestock and eat the legs of newborn pigs.
If you've got the stomach for it, check out the video below to see the full horror of the mice attack:
I like to consider myself an expert on everything, and I think I can say with confidence that Australia will fall to a mice/kangaroo alliance sometime early next year. The rest of the world take note, if you don't wise up to the threat of conniving, vengeful species, humanity will be doomed to a life of slavery at the hands of crabs and insects and birds and mice and kangaroos.
Stay frosty, people! If you see something say something, and try and kill as many animals as you can get your hands on.