How To Make the Perfect Bachelor Pad

August 20, 2008

There's a lot of bad advice about bachelor pads on the internet.  A lot.

There are two schools of thought in my head about how and why to create a bachelor pad in your home.  One is to do it for the ladies, and one is to do it for yourself.  They both hold water, but they are almost mutually exclusive.  If your tastes are such that your pad can take advantage of both of these ideologies - you are very lucky, but likely have very uncomfortable taste in décor.  With that note, there's only one that's in-line with how I live my (awesome) life.  Here's how to design your bachelor pad like a man...

Let's carve some things in stone.  Men are utilitarian.  We are also nostalgic.  We have knickknacks.  We like NASCAR and tits and books about dead generals.  Some of us like to fish.  The rest of us like Wii Bass Fishing.  Some men are salsa dancers, and some make salsa.  There's a lot of differences amongst us, so as our caveman forefathers found out, stone carvin' isn't always easy.

But, there are few things of paramount import to Man.  Hygiene, rest & relaxation, cuisine, and entertainment are the hallmarks of the truly complete bachelor's pad.  Here's how to deal with this four-headed hydra of the homestead.

Hygiene can and should be accomplished quickly, minimally, even harshly.  Scrub until it hurts using a bar of soap in the shower, not a brush or a loofa.  One bottle of shampoo.  If you insist on a silky mane, get a combination shampoo/conditioner. Dispense of any superfluous powders, potions, and creams in a timely and discreet manner.  At the mirror a toothbrush and razor are needed (razor optional for fur trappers and smithies).  Deodorant and toothpaste bought at a gas station or bait shop.  Cologne for weddings and first dates only.


Entertainment is the biggest variable of the bachelor pad equation.  It is dependent, of course, on your tastes and the tastes of your social circle.  But it is also largely determined by your income and free space.  Mike Tyson has a game room next to his Jacuzzi next to his pool.  I've got an XBOX 360 and Scrabble.  Your entertainment, whatever it is, should be at the figurative center of your bachelor pad.  It should probably be in the literal corner, but all other furniture and decor should be poised around it.  An underrated facet of entertainment is your media library.  Books, CDs, and movies say a lot about who you are and should be arranged to look casually stored but easily discernible...also, add a firepole.  Ladies love the pole.


Cuisine is a fancy word for man-fuel.  You need gas in your awesome tank if you're going to live a fully-fleshed bachelor life.  Which, incidentally, is about all you should be concerned about.  Place settings are not an option.  The bachelor man lives alone and often eats alone.  There's no need to stand on ceremony when your concern is shoveling pub food in your maw so you can return to chopping wood and sharpening your tools.  A hot plate, a microwave, and a few plates from the cheapest shelf at Target should suffice.


You should have at least 5 shot glasses.  Probably at a home bar you've built yourself.


Rest and relaxation (henceforth to be known as "R&R") is slightly different than entertainment.  You know the moments when you're sitting or laying?  And, somebody says, "Hey, what's on your mind," and you say, "Nothing," and it's true?  In the moments when literally nothing is on your mind - after working out, after sex, after a big steak, that's when R&R occurs, and it's important to have adequate furnishings for it.  It should be comfortable (like buffalo hide) but almost as important is that it look manly (like buffalo hide).  If you have multiple pillows they should not be arranged symmetrically, nor should they match.  It should appear as if they are only ever used on the floor for Greco-Roman orgies.  It should appear that way, in fact, because they should only ever be used for that.


With this knowledge, brother, go forth and carve yourself a niche out of a 1 bedroom rental or a 10 bedroom mansion.  It's been my pleasure to pad your experience and take the ache out of bachelor for you.