World's 2nd Tallest Building Will Be World's Most Phallic

June 12, 2008


The clever architect behind the 2,000 foot skyscraper that will grace Chicago’s skyline come 2011, Santiago Calatrava, has pulled off what no man in history has been able to do: he has designed what will be the world’s biggest dick joke ever built.

The building, to be the world’s second tallest, is intended for residential use, and Calatrava said it is “a home in which people will live, where people will eat, where people will sleep, where people will love, where people will cry, maybe, and enjoy.” He left out, "where people will be laughed at and ridiculed by their friends for paying ridiculous rent in the world’s tallest dildo."

Calatrava has said that he was inspired by nature when he designed the building, though I’m not sure he wasn’t inspired by the cartoons in Playboy.

You know what I think would be genius? Is if some avante garde sculptor built a pair of hundred foot spheres at the base of the building, covered in tiny little lights. As the day turned to night the lights go from a pleasant shade of peach to an intense cerulean blue. Get it? Big blue balls for the giant 2,000 foot penis? Like it was waiting to get screwed by god almighty.

Which leads to the most salient question: is this really the appropriate decade to construct a building that looks like it’s waiting to get screwed? I didn’t mean to make this political; but then again, I also didn’t draw up the plans to the planet’s most expensive pee pee punch line.

Someone find Carrot Top. This building is going to be an AWEsome visual gag for the rest of his redheaded career.