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The Top Eight Sci-Fi Disaster Scenarios You Can Survive

by John_Scrovak   March 22, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 2,114


4. Vampires

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If it sparkles, kill it.  Let's face it, folks: Twilight has spoiled us.  Nowadays it's hip to be a vampire, all sparkly and vegetarian and stuff.  Hell, throngs of underage girls would die for a chance to be a vampire.  Well, when the vampires start to take over, trust that they will certainly use that to their advantage.

Traditionally, vampires love turning children and hot/underage girls into kinship.  Why?  For the exact same reasons the Vietnamese used children and women as secret soldiers: no one suspects them.  As a bonus for the vampires, any man who starts getting hot and heavy with a gorgeous woman would never question if it were too easy, or if she's going to bite his neck and suck out his lifeblood. 

As soon as you start hearing reports of people found dead in alleyways with puncture wounds in their neck, you know to start acting.  Your first trip should be to your local hardware store.  Stock up on electrical wire, 2x4 lumber, and UV lamps.  You're going to want to outfit your vehicle with UV lamps attached to the roof pointing away, because it's the ultraviolet radiation that burns the vampires skin right the hell off.  You want to outfit your vehicle and not your home because you can be attacked in your vehicle.  In your home, however, vampires are incapable of entering unless invited in.  So as long as you park your car or truck in the garage, you should be good to go.

With that lumber, carve out bolts for a crossbow.  When you do so, slightly blunt the tip, so you can carve a cross directly on the front of it, and soak each bolt in holy water for about 5 minutes, and you'll have your weapon.  If you're a better shot with a gun, take a soldering iron and solder the sign of the cross onto the front of each bullet, then load them in your magazine and you're ready to rock and roll.  Remember, while holy bullets will hurt any vampire, it is a stake or bolt through the heart, and removal of the head, which will prevent them from coming back.  This is why it's recommended you keep a head-bag, for transportability of all those heads you'll have.

Lastly, don't even think about praying.  Prayer won't help you, because God won't come down to stop these things.  You need to splash holy water at them, or wound them with religious artifacts, because all praying will do for you is give you a split second while they laugh, immediately before draining your blood.  Or killing you. Or both.


3. Satanic Army

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Unlike with vampires, praying can and might help you in this scenario.  Granted you would have to be a fervent believer in God and a non-sinner, so if you're anything like us, you'll need the rest of this advice.

As Bruce Campbell taught us, your two weapons of choice should be a shotgun and a chainsaw.  Assuming you lack the forearm attachment capable of wielding a chainsaw with one hand, a sword should suffice for mowing down the legions of evil as they come upon you.  However, you should carve some sort of religious insignia onto the sword, like a cross on the hilt, or even a prayer on the blade, to make holy your weapon of light.  The same applies with your shotgun shells, though rather than soldering, use a knife to carve a cross into the tip of the plastic, where it's folded.  There is nowhere to hide and no way to vanquish evil, short of slaying Satan himself, so you may want to hole up in the closest thing you can find to a castle: a National Guard Armory. 

If you slay enough skeleton foot soldiers, you're bound to start seeing the more powerful evil, such as demons, legion, dark angels, etc.  It's like customer service: if the basic employee can't take care of you (or in this case, rip you limb from limb and send your soul spiraling into eternal damnation), you work your way up the ladder until you find someone who can.  Be careful never to look any of them in the eyes, because according to biblical mythology, the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and they could very well steal yours just by looking through your gateway.  So go the badass route and wear sunglasses, even at night, because the sun never sets on a badass.

If you finally do make it through the ranks and survive long enough to warrant the big man coming up himself to take care of your smarmy arse, this is the point where any man woman or child of any faith can call on the archangel Michael, the sword of God, to lend a hand in vanquishing this evil, as seen in the Puppetmaster series.  No matter what happens though, if you die fighting evil with truth in your heart, you'll go on to see your 72 virgins, God, Allah, Buddha, FSM, or whatever it is you believe in.


2. Robots

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Your squishy human self has the second lowest chance of survival with these tyrants.  Why? They're brilliant.  They can perform millions of calculations per second that would take the average person a year to ink out.  That, and they're physically hard to kill.  The brain is tiny, the limbs are almost indestructible, and they feel no pain.

This means your first task after Skynet becomes sentient is to make your way to the local science institute or museum of science.  You're mission there is to retrieve the biggest electromagnetic bomb (EM Bomb) you can find.  But be careful, because amidst the EM bomb and walls of the place are other sciencey things, most likely at the control of Skynet.  Get in, get the bomb, and get out.  Make sure you have a location to hide out in, devoid of all computer equipment (including digital watches).  What you're going to want to arm yourself with is high-powered rifles, assault weapons, shotguns, and explosives.  Essentially anything shoots a projectile, holds an edge, or goes BOOM.  Knives are good for cutting the hydraulic lines that allow these mechano-monsters to walk, rendering them immobile.

Once you have one, you can't interrogate it, so you'll need a scientist/computer whiz friend to work out a virus he or she (hopefully it's a hot she) can download into the robot.  While he is immobile, he is still communicating with Skynet, so make sure you don't take him straight to your bunker, as GPS and video signal will be able to pinpoint your location.  With any luck, a virus can be uploaded that will piggy-back the communications between that particular robot and Skynet, shutting down the brain.  In this case, all you'd need to do now is mop up the remaining robots that are acting alone and without a central leader.

If the virus does not work, you will need the bomb.  Sacrifice a human to be captured, but leave a GPS transponder on him or her (hopefully it's the annoying, ugly him) so you can track where the Skynet brain is.  Once you have that location, survival, and in fact victory, is contingent on your ability to get the EM bomb shoved right up their ass and detonating it, which will fry anything and everything they have, immediately shutting down their robot army.


1. Ice-9

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If you went to high school in the United States, chances are you read Cat's Cradle.  If not, I'll brief you on exactly what Ice-9 is.  It's a weapon developed by the military to change the freezing point of water to about 114.4 degrees Fahrenheit, in order to eliminate mud as an obstacle for troop movement.  Unfortunately, at some point, the formula went haywire, so every body of water that contacts Ice-9, or contacts any water that previously contacted Ice-9, turns to ice, melting at 114 degrees.  And that straight sucks.

I'm going to level with you.  There is no rebuilding humanity after this one.  There is only survival, as a civilization cannot prosper when the substance that makes up 78% of our body is altered so drastically (unless we have space travel at that point, and feel like seeking out another world that's habitable and friendly).  But chances are we won't have that technology by the time we commit civilization suicide.  So here's what you do to survive...

You are going to want to carry a single bag for supplies, as any more would hamper you down and make you sweat, losing what precious water you still have left.  In that bag, you should carry enough materials to start a large fire wherever you are.  Carry a single change of clothes, a knife, a rifle with ample ammunition, and rope.  You are now a rambling man.

Your only hope for survival is to travel inland, away from the major oceans and lakes, and seek out the mountains, with their tributaries, snow, ponds, and small lakes.  Since the freezing point is so high, the water cannot evaporate, preventing the rain from being your enemy, so inland water sources that are not connected to major oceans should still be good ol' water.  Whenever you find one of these sources, build yourself a shelter and set up camp until you dry it up.  If you're still rambling and dying of thirst before you find one, you can always hunt.  Shoot an animal, and while it's still fresh (minutes after killing), cut the throat, and drink their blood, since that is mostly water as well. It's nourishing, hydrating, and will keep you going until you find your next pond.

Good luck.


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