The Top 8 Ways to Make Chanukah Cooler

December 22, 2008

Chanukah has long been pushed to the periphery of the holiday season in this great land.  Some people will say it’s because of fundamental differences between Chanukah, Christmas, and other mainstream holidays.  They are wrong.  It’s a marketing problem. Chanukah needs to be polished and represented to the masses (possibly in PowerPoint form).  I don’t know who’s in charge of that, but here is a list for them to consider...8 ways to make Chanukah cool.

By Reverend Danger

The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.

 

8. Move the Sabbath

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The Sabbath should be on Sunday, and I’ll tell you why...with the help of Walter from The Big Lebowski. His not rolling on the Sabbath hamstrung his team, and by extension, the bowling community. Our alleys, eateries, byways and restaurants are prepared for slow business on Sunday.  In the name of a healthy economy, we should consolidate our rest there. 

7. Make the Menorah Rock

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It’s got fire on it already, and that’s a start.  Why not invoke some kind of fire breathing? Or perhaps jump a four-wheeler over it every night? Also, it should be about 10 feet tall, and the flames should be burning gasoline, not wax.

6. Editorial Consistency

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Chanukah or Hanukkah? Or is there only one "k"? I’ve spelled it wrong every single time, and I’m just praying that spell check’s autocorrect knows what the hell it’s doing.  Part of a successful holiday is accessibility.  The 4th of July is something everybody can get behind!  All you need to know is how to count to 4 and that explosions are awesome.  I don’t even know how to spell Chanukkah, so how in the name of Moses am I supposed to celebrate it? Spoiler: I may just continue misspelling it to make a point. 

5. Dreidel Revisions

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The concept of the dreidel is an underutilized aspect of the Festival of Lights.  It’s a mysterious game that involves spinning a top.  I honestly don’t know much more about it, but after I asked Wikipedia, I found out that it is 1) not a drinking game 2) nothing like spin the bottle and 3) not particularly competitive.  All of those things should change, and it should also be “clothing optional.”

4. Needs a Mascot

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Santa has been the lynchpin of Christmas' success because he’s a good figurehead.  He’s got charisma, and he’s out there making sure everything goes the way it’s supposed to on Christmas, and he’s looking damn good while he’s doing it.  It’s comforting.  Chanukah needs that, and it needs to be better than Hanukkah Harry or Hanukkah Homeboy. Time.com writer Matt Sellman has unwittingly come up with the perfect solution: JEWVERINE. One alternative, though, is Chanukah Cthulhu: one of the great, old, complaining ones.

3. Chanukah Bush Revisions

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The Chanukah bush is widely regarded as a bastardization of the Christmas tree.  If Chanukah wants to differentiate itself and take its true share of the market, it can’t do it by having watered-down versions of things Christmas already does.  For en epic win here, Chanukah bushes should be nixed or refer to another type of bush, or perhaps be made of sacred herb.

2. Real Gold Gelt

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Gelt is some kind of money that is given to kids during Chanukah in order to subtly bribe them and teach them the joy of giving (and the joy of having money).  Except that nowadays, the gelt given out is just chocolate wrapped in gold foil.  Don’t get me wrong, chocolate is delicious.  But, things would maybe get a little more festive if a child was given command of a little cash to buy their own chocolate, or say, a paintball turret. 

1. Better Feast

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Bitter herbs?  I mean, I like a good bitter IPA but seriously.  Bitter herbs don’t quench your thirst on a blistering hot day, nor do they give you a pleasant buzz.  Christmas knocks this one out of the park.  Christmas goose, man!  I can honestly say I’ve never had one (we get KFC), but you know that geese are succulent.  I suggest that the three Bs be considered: brisket, bacon, and Big Gulps.

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