The Top 10 Cars for Douchebags

October 1, 2008

Long ago, auto makers realized that the way to stay ahead of the competition was to make different cars for different types of people. Now, no matter who you are, there’s a car out there that fits your scene--even if you're a douchebag.  Here are the top 10 cars for that special segment of our society.



10. Dodge Viper

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Despite being the current king of the hill at the Nurburgring, the Viper’s true stomping grounds are more along lines of the Spearmint Rhino parking lot and the drunken 10mph crawl down the Sunset Strip on a Friday night.

It’s even more frightening when one of these guys attempts to actually drive a Viper. Without any sort of traction or stability control, the Viper is an unforgiving beast when you drop the hammer, and it doesn’t care how big a douche you are.


9. Chevy SSR

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What the hell is this thing? I’m just at a loss for what sort of person would see this car, then see its $42,000 debut MSRP and think “now that is the car-truck thing for me!”

Beyond being woefully underpowered, overpriced, and ungainly upon its release, the whole concept of a “factory hotrod” gives you less street cred than pre-distressed designer jeans and a trucker cap.

Obviously, this car bombed out quickly. Now, the only the people who’re willing to buy these are the same people who rush straight from the dealership to Pep Boys for NASCAR floor mats to match their life-size Fathead wall decals.

8. Late Model V6 Mustang

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Ok listen, if you’re a 20-something girl in college, I can give you a pass on this one. Even if you’re a post-menopausal secretary for a law firm, I’ll let that slide too.

But if you’re a grown man who goes out and buys a base model, 200hp V6 Mustang, and tries to pretend it’s a 500hp supercar by throwing factory-optioned stripes, scoops, and wings at it, I’m sorry, but you sir are a douchebag. You’re not fooling anyone. In fact, the people you’re trying to impress with your “muscle car” are the very same group of people laughing at you when you drive by.

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7. Scion XB

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Whoa, who wouldn’t want to drive a shoebox on roller skates?

I mean, it’s awesome that you found a shirt to match the bright orange piping on your seats just in time for the Jimmy Buffett concert, but the other XB owners are still a little disappointed in your lack of stick-on tribal decals and neon lights. This thing was basically custom designed for douchebags.

6. Mazda Miata

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Have you ever seen a guy driving a Mazda Miata and thought, “man, I wish that was me!”? Neither have I.

Aside from the fact that this car screams “I’m fabulous!” from every angle, this car was made for the guy who wants to drive down the coast with his new scarf from Wal Mart flapping in the breeze. If you own a Miata you're one of three things: in the closest, a woman, or a douchebag. 

This video pretty much says it all.

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5. Ford Excursion

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This truck wrote itself into the douchebag hall of fame the moment it rolled off the assembly line.

This SUV is for the guy who saw the Tahoe and said, “nope, not big enough.” Then he saw the Hummer H2 and said, “nope, not big enough.”

Then he saw the Excursion, the largest SUV ever on the consumer market, and said to himself, “Well, my penis is pretty much the size of a button, but I guess this is gonna have to do. Yo, sales bro, do you know where I can find an 18-inch lift kit for this thing?”

4. Porsche Boxster

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The Boxster is one of those few cars on the road where one of the key selling points is that a set of golf clubs will fit in the trunk.

Where Porsches before the Boxster were basically unattainable by middle class standards, in 1996 this “entry level” model gave a license to be a self-righteous to any knucklehead who could make the lease payments.

Of course, a Boxster driver’s scarf also flaps in the breeze as he cruises down the coastline, but he got his from the J Crew catalog, you philistine.

3. Any Late Model BMW

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If I had a dollar for every time some douchebag in a BMW tailgated me, cut me off, or just generally acted like an asshole on (or off) the road, well, I’d have enough money to buy a BMW. Then I would immediately set it on fire so it could never fall into the hands of a jerkoff.

It’s as though by the sheer act of buying one of these cars, these guys think they’ve earned the right to just disregard everyone else on the road.

I’m curious, though. Why? I mean, you know they use these things for taxis in Europe, right? Anyway, welcome to the list, smart guy.

2. Toyota Prius

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Let’s get down to brass tacks here - the typical Prius owner’s sense of smugness is built around a completely false façade of environmental friendliness. The fact is, a Prius actually causes a larger carbon footprint than most notorious gas guzzlers on the road when it's time to send that toxic battery off to pasture.

Never mind the fact that the gas mileage isn’t even revolutionary. A Jetta TDI gets almost 60mpg and those owners, for some reason, don’t feel the need to remind everyone about it constantly. Maybe it's because they're not douchebags. 

The biggest issue here is the fact that the Prius may in fact be the most narcissistic automotive purchase a person can make. Beyond the reasons above, there’s a readout on the dashboard that shows the driver in real-time what their current mpg is.

The problem created here is that it trains people to drive like douchebags at the expense of everyone else around them, taking the most obnoxious aspects of hypermiling and applying them en masse on freeways around the world.

Congrats Toyota, you managed to actually create douchebags.

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1. Hummer H2

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Yeah, like you didn’t see this one coming. I could go on and on about how ridiculous the Hummer H2 is, how it represents the pinnacle of excess, or how it shares absolutely nothing in common with the H1 in terms of design, function and capability, or how it gets terrible gas mileage and how only utter jackasses actually opt to buy these useless things. But I’m going to take a different angle.

The only person who would buy a vehicle that’s exactly that same as a $40k Chevrolet Suburban 2500 but costs $15,000 more for body panels and weaker performance is the king of the douche bags.

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