The Top 10 Cars for Douchebags
Long ago, auto makers realized that the way to stay ahead of the competition was to make different cars for different types of people. Now, no matter who you are, there’s a car out there that fits your scene--even if you're a douchebag. Here are the top 10 cars for that special segment of our society.
10. Dodge Viper
Despite being the current king of the hill at the Nurburgring, the Viper’s true stomping grounds are more along lines of the Spearmint Rhino parking lot and the drunken 10mph crawl down the Sunset Strip on a Friday night.
It’s even more frightening when one of these guys attempts to actually drive a Viper. Without any sort of traction or stability control, the Viper is an unforgiving beast when you drop the hammer, and it doesn’t care how big a douche you are.
9. Chevy SSR
What the hell is this thing? I’m just at a loss for what sort of person would see this car, then see its $42,000 debut MSRP and think “now that is the car-truck thing for me!”
Beyond being woefully underpowered, overpriced, and ungainly upon its release, the whole concept of a “factory hotrod” gives you less street cred than pre-distressed designer jeans and a trucker cap.
Obviously, this car bombed out quickly. Now, the only the people who’re willing to buy these are the same people who rush straight from the dealership to Pep Boys for NASCAR floor mats to match their life-size Fathead wall decals.
8. Late Model V6 Mustang
Ok listen, if you’re a 20-something girl in college, I can give you a pass on this one. Even if you’re a post-menopausal secretary for a law firm, I’ll let that slide too.
But if you’re a grown man who goes out and buys a base model, 200hp V6 Mustang, and tries to pretend it’s a 500hp supercar by throwing factory-optioned stripes, scoops, and wings at it, I’m sorry, but you sir are a douchebag. You’re not fooling anyone. In fact, the people you’re trying to impress with your “muscle car” are the very same group of people laughing at you when you drive by.
7. Scion XB
Whoa, who wouldn’t want to drive a shoebox on roller skates?
I mean, it’s awesome that you found a shirt to match the bright orange piping on your seats just in time for the Jimmy Buffett concert, but the other XB owners are still a little disappointed in your lack of stick-on tribal decals and neon lights. This thing was basically custom designed for douchebags.
6. Mazda Miata
Have you ever seen a guy driving a Mazda Miata and thought, “man, I wish that was me!”? Neither have I.
Aside from the fact that this car screams “I’m fabulous!” from every angle, this car was made for the guy who wants to drive down the coast with his new scarf from Wal Mart flapping in the breeze. If you own a Miata you're one of three things: in the closest, a woman, or a douchebag.
This video pretty much says it all.
5. Ford Excursion
This truck wrote itself into the douchebag hall of fame the moment it rolled off the assembly line.
This SUV is for the guy who saw the Tahoe and said, “nope, not big enough.” Then he saw the Hummer H2 and said, “nope, not big enough.”
Then he saw the Excursion, the largest SUV ever on the consumer market, and said to himself, “Well, my penis is pretty much the size of a button, but I guess this is gonna have to do. Yo, sales bro, do you know where I can find an 18-inch lift kit for this thing?”