Free speech and limitless opportunities have plagued the NFL for far too long. The league needs a brave (and possibly obese) man with no actual football experience to help end the rampant equality killing the game. Luckily, enthusiastic hatemonger Rush Limbaugh is up to the challenge, and we've put together 10 reasons why he'd be the best choice to set the NFL civil rights back 45 years while sitting comfortably in the St. Louis Rams' owner's box.
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10. Because There Just Aren’t Enough Jesus References in the NFL Already
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Is there anything more frustrating than a player who scores a touchdown without acknowledging the help of Jesus Christ during his celebration - or even worse, thanks his own rival, God? (Newsflash, rookie: Buddha isn’t a football fan and Vishnu hasn't subscribed to Sunday Ticket in years.)
With Limbaugh at the helm in St. Louis, you can bet that when the Rams defy logic and accidentally get in the end zone, there will be a mandatory moment of thanks to J.C. throughout the stadium (and a delightful cross burning by the 20-yard line if it happens to be Steven Jackson putting up six).
9. Bipartisan Stadium Seating
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Nobody likes to spend their hard-earned stock fraud dollars on a football ticket, only to show up at the game and sit next to a liberal software engineer that can’t read the “do not feed the poor people” sign next to the pretzel cart. Under the Limbaugh regime, the Edward Jones Dome would feature upper level stands with plush seating and five star food being served with optional prayer circles in the concourse area. Below, the democrats would all enjoy “open seating” (since it’s oppressive to force anyone to sit in a particular row) but will not be served any food. According to the Limbaugh stadium plan, the delicious treats from the upper Republican section will “trickle down” into the Democratic seats and provide an edible stimulus to the stadium as a whole.
8. His Adorable Sexism Could Lead to a Fun “Don’t Bring Your Wife to the Game” Promotion
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If there’s one thing Limbaugh hates (besides diet food and minorities), it’s the female population’s incessant need to enjoy things that were clearly created for men. Paychecks, drivers licenses, wearing jeans, and even attending football games are all male-designed rights that women - in their cruel desire to become “equal” - have stolen.
Limbaugh may not be able to keep the fairer sex out of the work place, but it seems possible that he could banish them from football stadiums. With a much needed Leave Your Wife at Home Night promotion at the Edward Jones Dome, men can finally enjoy the game without the distraction of women throughout the building offering comments like “Haven’t you lost enough money betting on that Bulger guy?” or “Can you believe what they’re charging for tampons in the gift shop?”
7. He Can Cut Athletic Black Players and Bring Back Less Talented White Ones
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Limbaugh, like most other people who have never actually known a black person, acknowledges that affirmative action doesn’t work. Think about how awesome the 2000 Baltimore Ravens’ team could've been if Trent Dilfer wasn’t held back by an African American quota that forced the franchise to put guys like Ray Lewis, Peter Boulware, and Chris McAllister on the field when there were clearly white players that didn't feel the need to show off by “making tackles” or “winning games” willing to contribute.
Quite frankly, the fact that the uber-talented Donovan McNabb gets to start for an NFL franchise, while Ryan Leaf – a good white kid who dedicated every single one of his career turnovers to his lord and savior Jesus Christ – sits home with his “Least Valuable Player Alive” trophy is a travesty.
6. The Rams’ Stadium Can be the First to Keep Non-American Spectators From Enjoying the Game with a Fan-Friendly Fence
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The NFL’s reluctance to keep immigrants from spending their hard-earned money to enjoy America’s favorite sport has been deplorable. Even though nobody wants to see a hard-working Canadian take his family to a football game, the liberal pansies (who probably think every player deserves the right to health care) are too afraid to build a 300-foot wall around the stadium and have armed border guards at the entrances to ensure that no unnecessary “ethnics” are able to sneak into the stands. Limbaugh would quickly remedy this if given the chance.
5. His “Tough on Crime” Policies Could Finally Reduce the NFL Murder Rate
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Not that Donte Stallworth didn’t learn his lesson while spending three weeks in jail for killing a man over the off-season, but some pro-life pundits have recently claimed that "murder is wrong," regardless of 40-yard dash time.
If Limbaugh were to implement his pro-death penalty policies in the franchise’s locker room, the only way casual murderers like Stallworth would get to watch the 2010 NFL season would be strapped to an electric chair or next to football’s number one fan (and conservative spokesman) Jesus Christ in the afterlife.
4. His Random Immigrant Hunts Could Help Get Both Foreign Players Out of the NFL
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Are you tired of hard-working American placekickers getting their jobs taken by more talented, foreign-born workers that are willing to sign for the league minimum? Well, once Limbaugh proposes a stricter NFL immigration policy at the next owners meeting, the league will be immigrant-free faster than you can say “Wait, which Gramatica is kicking for my team now?”
3. Unlike the Rams, Limbaugh Actually Supports the Draft
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Ever since they decided to use a third round draft pick on Eric Crouch (who seems to look more and more like a Scottsdale bartender every year at the Heisman Award Ceremony), the St. Louis Rams have taken an “anti-war room” stance and come out “against the draft.” They believe that players should have the right to chose whether or not they enter the NFL battlefield and thus prefer starters who enlist via free agency.
However, if Limbaugh can get his finger on the button, you can bet your final social security check that gridiron soldiers will be drafted effectively under his regime. Limbaugh believes that everybody should defend the country, with no exception. So, kid in a wheel chair with Lymphonic cancer, if Rush Limbaugh picks you to play defensive line you better suit up and forget about how the hell you’re going to pay for the surgeries that are no longer subsidized by the government and get ready to take on a steroid-infused monster. Because hey, your franchise needs you.
2. Relaxed Players Thanks to Intra-team Painkiller Subsidies
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Nobody understands the value of two dozen Oxycodones at the end of a hard day of work quite like Mr. Limbaugh. Sometimes the stress of acting like a cartoon villain puts a little tension in the ole shoulders.
And while most NFL owners and medical professionals believe that bathtubs filled with prescription drugs may be a dangerous idea, Limbaugh understands that if God (the Christian one, of course) wanted people to be stressed at work he wouldn’t have invented Percocet.
Besides, try being nervous when playing a division rival on the road after taking 120 milligrams of Vicodin the night before. Quite frankly, that’s just good football.
1. Al Davis Can't Live Forever, and the NFL Needs a Nutjob Owner
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Al Davis may not live forever. He is currently 80 human years old and needs a bat-shit crazy protege' to sit in the hand-crafted throne he forced the offensive coaches to build him in 2006.
Limbaugh may not have the incoherent charm or liver-spotted good looks of a young Davis, but he does possess a certain je ne sais quoi that make him a hit at Young Republican rallies.