We're all for movies that try to teach kids important lessons about the world that surrounds them. But some of them push that message so far down their throat that movie theaters should come with first aid posters showing parents the proper way to do the Heimlich maneuver.
10. The Iron Giant
Source: Warner Bros.
When giant metal alien lands on Earth, the CIA decides to celebrate the one rare time they have actually obtained verifiable information by investigating it. After the robot's boy friend Hogarth attempts to thwart their every move, the military sends in a big, dumb special CIA agent who is willing to nuke the town off the face of the map just to kill one robot, making the CIA, the FBI, and the rest of the military industrial complex the big dumb villains for the five millionth time in a big Hollywood epic. You know, I don't think it's really smart to criticize a group of people who have the biggest nuclear arsenal of pop guns in the history of the universe and a group of specially trained ninjas who can kill anyone in their sleep with a cotton candy stick.
Source: Universal Studios
Hey kids, do you like meat? More importantly, do you like keeping cute little animals as pets? Well here's a film that will guilt trip you into hating yourself for the rest of your life. A lone pig named Babe catches the eye of his quiet farmer and becomes a champion sheep wrangler all because his master decides to completely ignore a little something that has kept mankind alive for hundreds of thousands of years: the food chain. Of course, the movie ends with the heroic pig saving the day, but if it had run a little longer runtime, you might have seen the true ending: the farmer gives up selling animals for meat and decides to grow kelpburgers, only to have the bank foreclose on the land because trying to run a vegetarian farm in the middle of England is like opening a Burger King in downtown New Delhi.
8. Ice Age: The Meltdown
Source: 20th Century Fox
Ever since Al Gore found success with his independent horror movie, every director of every genre has tried to jump on the climate control bandwagon, especially animated movies. This so-called "kids" film attempts to show/scare kids the affects of global climate change by taking it out on a couple of poor innocent kiddie-created creatures like a mammoth and a saber-toothed tiger that would eat your face in the real world, complete with rapidly rising temperatures and huge, crashing icebergs. So if your young ones are into scary movies, take them to see Saw VI where they'll probably be less damaged.
7. Finding Nemo
Once again, the awesome power of the food chain is tossed aside for the sake of children's entertainment in this Pixar film. The title fish gets captured by a big nasty human who wants to give his bratty niece a gift for her birthday, but Nemo's father denies the natural order of animal creation to free his son. It even tries to push its equal animal rights agenda by making the sharks a bunch of wussy, support group junkies who vow not to eat fish by the mouthful the way God intended. If God didn't want sharks to eat fish, he wouldn't have made them the All You Can Eat Buffet frequenters of the sea.
6. Happy Feet
Source: Warner Bros.
If Ice Age: The Meltdown is The Day After Tomorrow of children's movies, then Happy Feet is the Inconvenient Truth. Only this time, the victims aren't some cute and cuddly extinct species that no one couldn't care less about if they were the Patient Zero cause for herpes. The victims are cute little penguins. A colony of the cheery Chilly Willies are running out of food and mankind is to blame. What a crock. I mean, penguins can't actually surf or sing or nothing! At best, they look like drunk miniature uncles dressed up for the prom.
5. Battle for Terra
Usually, you don't see war as the subject of a children's movie. Here's why. This CGI-animated movie, originally tiled Terra, features the human race trying to take over another planet after Earth's resources are completely depleted. It not only throws the environmental message right in your face, but it tries to make mankind look like a warring race that fights first and asks questions later, which isn't necessarily true. Sometimes we bomb first.
In this "kids" movie, capitalism goes under the gun as the fictional "Buy n Large" corporation is blamed for the total destruction of the Earth and the "blubbering" of the human race as a tiny robot shows the power of individuality. And it's all from a movie that's being produced by...The Walt Disney Company, one of the biggest corporations in the history of the universe. You've got to love irony, unless irony is a concept created by Disney. Then it's just hilarious and also ironic.
3. Monsters Inc.
Here's a cute concept that masquerades as a kids movie all the way until the very end when the twist is revealed that "laugh power" is 10 times as powerful and potent as "scream power" in an attempt to implant the alternative energy seeds in young minds everywhere. Even the concept of planting seeds is in and of itself another sneaky way the movie tries to give kiddies a left turn.
2. All the Christmas Carol Movies
Source: United Artists
Charles Dickens' memorable story has been told more times than the man from Nantucket and the curious traveling salesman who doesn't like pants meeting the milking machine combined. Mean ol' Scrooge learns the error of his ways and that generosity, not wealth, is the true measure of a man in this world. Of course, if the story lasted a little longer, we would have seen Scrooge broke, lonely, and angrier than he was at the start of the story and the British economy falling harder than a game of Lead Jenga. But maybe Dickens had a page limit.
1. Ferngully: The Last Rainforest
Source: Kroyer Films
If Al Gore is ever attempting to turn An Inconvenient Truth into an animated movie, he should stop now because 20th Century Fox beat him to it by 17 years. While other movies try to hide the message in subliminal implants like a Tyler Durden cigarette burn edit job, it literally throws it in your face every chance it gets and implores you to save the rainforest before it's too late. It fails, of course, because any place that houses an obnoxious creature with Robin Williams' voice should count itself lucky every day it has not met the business end of a nuclear warhead.