How to Celebrate the Election (No Matter the Outcome)

November 4, 2008

Politics are great. We couldn’t collect our misappropriated social security or welfare checks without their herky-jerky mechanisms whirring in the background.  And then where would we get our beer money?!  Speaking of beer, this is one of the most party-prone elections in some time.  What follows is a detailed explanation of how to celebrate/drink your despair away no matter who you support or what the outcome is.

The highly polar nature of the candidates and the potential (guarantee?) of substantive change from the previous administration is making a national climate that’s ready for a tequila shot and a round of Louie, Louie. So when the ballots are in, and you know who to hitch your wagon to during anonymous bar conversations Wednesday night, here’s how to celebrate whomever your next president is. 

How to Celebrate an Obama Victory

Obama can certainly celebrate by beginning to ignore Biden, but you have no such lofty options.  You can, in lieu of a VP, ignore your Secretary of Veterans Affairs, James Peake, who is 15th in line for Presidential succession.  Now that you’ve got that out of the way, you must be famished.  Honor Obama’s rural, multiracial roots with a little soul food.  Savor some fried chicken and waffles like he will savor his newfound status as most powerful man on Earth.

How to Celebrate a McCain Victory

I guess you should start by inviting whosoever you claim as “my friends” over to your house.  And, since you’re using McCain as your guide, that’d be anybody and everybody you know or can call using a phone book.  And, in the spirit of getting a particularly dumb chick beneath you, call up your most notorious dumb-as-rocks booty call and let the good times roll.  Just don't let her go on record with any of your friends or the press.