The Top Nine Lamest Athlete Apologies
No group of over-idolized heroes has let their flock down more than athletes. Their inordinately large salaries, superstar status, and Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade balloon-sized egos have turned a lot of them into major league douchebags. Logic dictates that if so many of them have gotten into trouble that one of them would learn the proper method of delivering an apology, especially since all they had to do is really mean it. Here are the apologies that prove there is no crying in baseball (and other sports).
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9. Alex Rodriguez
This Texas Ranger turned New York Yankee powerhouse has had the kind of sports life that all little leaguers dream about. He lives on a mountain of money that requires a Sherpa to reach the summit. He dates attractive models and picture perfect movie stars. He is the modern day equivalent of a god, if divine beings gained their power by injecting a magic elixir directly into their holy bloodstreams.
When word surfaced that A-Rod had been downing the testoster-sauce, he admitted it but hid under the admission that he didn't know that the substance coursing through his body and making him stronger was steroids. It's the equivalent of trying to sneak a cookie out of the cookie jar before dinner and when your mother catches you bringing the disc of deliciousness to your lips, you tell her that you thought you were eating a rice cake.
Replace "rice cake" with happy strength juice and you've got A-Rod's "apology" in a nutshell. A nice, tidy, little nutshell that may or may not be filled with delicious anabolic steroids. We honestly don't know if it is or not.
8. Mark McGwire
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It's hard to imagine the level of scrutiny and stomach-twisting nervousness that goes into admitting you were on the juice when you were American sports' darling. So a little credit is due to the home run king who submitted a teary-eyed "my bad" to his fans, his family, and Bud Selig (especially Selig, whose lifetime commissioner contract grants him the power to melt people with his mind).
But all that luscious credit drains away when he tries to weasel his way out of any responsibility for using 'roids to enhance his career. After wiping the tears and sadness snot from his face, the man with the Honey Baked Ham-sized biceps said that the steroids didn't enhance his ability to hit home runs and the real reason he took steroids was to heal his aging body.
Not only does he squirm his way out of what he believes to be an obvious lapse in ethics and judgment but he turns it around by saying that the same actions were actually meant to help him. It's the first time a major league athlete has done a public service announcement that encourages kids to use drugs. He could have accomplished the same means by staring into the camera and uttering, "Hey kids! Don't believe what you're parents and Nancy Reagan have told you about drugs! Take it from me, Mark McGwire: steroids - it does a body good." (This message was brought to you by the Partnership for Free Drugs, America.)"
7. Randy Moss
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Very few sports egos have been able to match the one that rests in this former Minnesota Viking wide receiver's soul. That just makes his attempt to admit to his mistakes and apologize twice as unintentionally hilarious as a Dan Quayle Toastmasters session.
Moss reached his evil peak of infamy when he fake-mooned Green Bay fans during a playoff game in 2005. The NFL slapped him with a $10,000 fine, the monetary equivalent of a "slap on the wrist" (if the slap was administered with a pool noodle and the wrist belonged to someone else).
He never technically offered a tearful "I'm sorry" or a even a slightly maudlin "My bad" for the cameras when the NFL disciplined him. His only technical admission of guilt was his uttering of this cocky quote for reporters that still makes the picture of George Washington on the dollar bill cry:
Speaking of football players with mouths so big that deep sea fisherman often mistake them for freshwater bass...
6. Tiger Woods
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Unlike most of the major athletes on this list, Tiger didn't inject himself with strength training drugs or down pills that increased his concentration. He didn't engage in poor sportsmanship on the field or act like a spoiled child in the cereal aisle because his team didn't give him the gold plated hot tub specified in his contract. He cheated on his wife...well, a lot. If mathematics allowed you to calculate matrimonial sin into numbers, his would probably equal doing a keg stand-sized hit of anabolic steroids.
His first public response to the tragedy that toppled his image, his marriage, and his marriage to his wife (the first one referred to his sponsors) felt like it was delivered by a robotic android made to appear in Tiger Woods' absence. He read it in a creepy, monotone, non-dramatic voice with as much emotional inflection as an economics professor reading a lesson plan. It would have been more emotional if he let Ben Stein read it for him (and a lot more entertaining, now that I think of it).
5. Marion Jones
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If you're a celebrity or an athlete who has been disgraced by your human urges or tendencies and you want to make the most heartfelt apology ever, everyone and their momma knows you go to Oprah Winfrey. Oprah's estrogen-enhanced afternoon gabfest is a weepy star bug zapper. They are lured in by the warm glow of Oprah's embrace and are immediately shocked after the actual interview goes out on the air.
This former Olympic medal winner did just that when she got out of prison for lying to federal prosecutors about her strength enhancing drug use. In fact, it was her first stop on her "Monsters of Maudlin Me-So-Sorry" tour.
So what was her excuse for her naughty behavior? She told Oprah "because I didn't love myself enough." That's right, Jones found the root cause of substance abuse that billions of dollars of research and drug prevention programs missed: a lack of self-hugs. So does that mean we can replace every drug rehabilitation center and substance abuse program with kissing booths?