Tiger Woods is No Longer Allowed to "Touch Himself"

January 20, 2010

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of spending a little time in a Mississippi sexual rehabilitation center (which is reportedly where golf lothario Tiger Woods is hanging out these days), there’s a few rules that inmates patients apparently have to follow.

The most glaring of these "Sex Commandments" is the one that states “guests are not allowed to engage in any sexual activity whatsoever, either with a partner or by oneself.”

The “celibacy contracts” that every person fortunate enough to enter a place with a "no masturbation clause" is required to shamefully sign, allegedly have a zero tolerance policy and could result in history's worst walk of shame that didn't involve Jessica Simpson or an Albanian Midget Frat House. (Nobody wants to answer questions about getting expelled from sex school after winning the U.S. Open.)

Additionally, there is extremely strict security throughout the building, meaning that not only is the Lord watching every time Tiger unzips his pants, but a collection of Biloxi high school dropouts wearing security guard uniforms might be too.

Somewhere, Elin Nordegren and her team of divorce lawyers are evilly smiling.

Source: Will West/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images