The Top Seven Types of Car Guys

April 18, 2009

For gearheads, the car you drive says more about you than the clothes you wear or the company you keep. More than simply a status symbol, that car is extension of your personality and sense of style. As such, different personalities tend to gravitate toward certain cars that can sum up their whole situation in one quick glance.

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7. Corvette Guy

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There's no mistaking it - Corvettes are fast as hell. Straight off the showroom floor, a new ZR1 (or Z06, for that matter) will wipe the floor with just about anything else on the road, and usually for quite a bit less coin than comparable cars. To compliment that performance, Chevy has always included a healthy dose of "Please look at me!" styling. And that's probably the most significant ingredient in the Corvette because as awesome as 'Vettes are, they will be forever associated with middle aged men with middle class bank accounts, desperately trying to buy back their youth, and some attention to boot. C'est la vie, Corvette Guy.

6. Hot Rod Guy

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There are actually two different types of hot rod guys. There's the Greaser contingent, the younger group who have an affinity for Social Distortion and '50s Americana culture who operate on a shoe-string budget and buy cool looking old beaters and get them back on the road, even occasionally make them fast. It's hard to knock these guys for much, mainly because most of them are usually pretty cool people whose hearts are in the right place.

Then there's the Street Rodders. While the majority of these guys just want to make old cars really plush and somewhat quick, there is a loud contingent of street rod enthusiasts which are older dudes trying to relive the good ol' days by pouring thousands upon thousands of dollars into '40s and '50s coupes and turning them into pastel-colored, '80s decal-covered abominations. I don't even know what the purpose of this is really, as most of these guys don't really even drive their cars, they just wax them in their garages and take them on trailers to car shows. I mean if you're going to take a badass car and make it look like that, as least have the balls to drive it around so we can mock you.

5.  EVO/WRX Guy

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Not to be confused with the dreaded Ricer crowd, the main desire of both Subaru WRX and Mitsubishi EVO drivers is to get the world to see them differently than the subwoofer-blasting, neon light-rocking notorious aspects of the import crowd. They strive for respect. And people who know what's up usually give credit where credit is due, while the naive just get smoked.  Since both cars are four-door sedans instead of the two-door coupe layout which most people would associate with performance, they have a stealthy, sleeper aesthetic, which many see as a choice to focus more on "go" instead of "show."

So EVO/WRX guys, we know your cars don't suck. Really, we swear - you don't need to troll the comments every YouTube street racing video to preach the gospel of AWD and turbos. We already know.

4. Muscle Car Guy

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Source: Motor Trend

The Muscle Car Guy's style might be the hardest to pin down, largely because they are perhaps the most widely varied bunch when it comes to style. But a common thread binds all of them together: a desire for big cars, loud V8s, cheap gas, and straight roads. Cornering often takes a back seat to the ability to lay down an awesome burnout. 

The Muscle Car guys' turf is not the S curves of the Laguna Seca Raceway but the endless stretches of highway across the New Mexico desert. People don't love the Bullit chase for the lateral Gs that the Mustang GT and Charger R/T are producing in the turns; they love it for the roar of a big block 390 as in vanishes in a haze of tire smoke. Good thing, too, because the understeer in those cars is a bitch.

3. Ricers

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Undoubtedly the most infamous faction of car enthusiasts, the Ricer is basically synonymous with "poseur." A ricer is the sort of guy who spends more time fantasizing about driving the cars in The Fast and the Furious and scoring with hawt chix than he does actually making his car fast. A ricer is the type of car guy who invests his money in huge plastic spoilers and door stickers to make his car look "tight" instead of actual performance-enhancing components for the engine, suspension, etc.

Ricers are the kinds of people who try to street race in populated areas, and in turn, give the entire automotive community a bad name. Ricers buy exhaust systems like this one and think that it sounds good. And if you don't like the sound of the muffler, well the 3,000-watt subwoofer blasting house techno beats will probably drown it out anyway. Basically... ricers, you suck.

2. Exotic Car Guy

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Not satisfied by mere Vipers or Carreras, the Exotic Car Guy is less concerned with performance of the car than he is about, say, how rare it is, and how people will react to it. In that regard, the Exotic Guy is the epitome of the car guy who wants something that screams "this way, gold diggers!"

Unless Exotic Car Guy is hitting Willow Springs every weekend, there's no purpose for this car in an urban setting, other than to be a status symbol for what a fabulous lifestyle he leads. And when Exotic Car Guy drops $45,000 on an oil change, you know he must be pretty cool.

1. BMW Guy

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The most enjoyable activity for BMW Car Guy is convincing everyone else that BMW makes the best cars in the world. There can be no other car better than a BMW M3. It is simply perfection. The BMW guy offers a level of pretense which can sometimes rival Exotic Car Guy, but at a much cheaper impact on his bank account (which also makes him better than the Exotic Car Guy).

BMW Car Guy is a refined sophisticate, and he has ascended beyond the juvenile need to do burnouts. BMW Car Guy is more concerned with car magazine statistics, expensive aftermarket wheels, nanotechnology car wax, and the latest watches in GQ magazine.  BMW Car Guy would also ask that you ignore the slightly tacky carbon fiber roof on his ubercar. 'Course, BMW guy also has the obligatory hot Asian girlfriend, so he scores a tip 'o the hat regardless.

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