Losers Bracket: Round 1 Match 3: Aztec Jaguar vs Maori

January 5, 2011

*Note* I realize that there's about as much suspense in this fight as me vs Russia in a hand to hand situation, but I'll make the Sim interesting anyways.

Ancient Mexico's fierce tribal warrior fights a brutal New Zealand Native!


Aztec Jaguar:

Short Range- Tecpatl (Knife)

Mid Range- Maquahuitl (Sword/Club/Chainsaw)

Long Range- Atlatl (Spear Launcher) and Tlacochtli (Spear)

Special- Tematlatl (Sling)

Armor- Cotton, Small wood Shield, Hardwood Helmet

Tactics- Speed and Stealth

Maori Warrior:

Short Range- Mere

Mid Range- Stingray Spear and Taiaha

Long Range- Poi!

Special- Shark Toothed Club

Armor- None

Tactics- Brutality, Ruthlessness


Short Range- Tecpatl vs Mere

This is certainly an interesting match up, as both of these weapons are about the same size yet have completely different uses. The mere is extremely hard and can bash a persons head in with a good strike. The Tecpatl on the other hand can stab to a great effect, and slice like hell because of it's obsidian blade. This would be about even, but because the Aztec's helmet effectively neutralizes a shot from the Mere, the Edge goes to the Tecpatl.

Edge- Tecpatl

Mid Range- Maquihuitl vs Stingray spear and Taiaha

The Stingray Spear cannot penetrate the cotton armor so consider it useless. The Maori best weapon however is his Taiaha, as it can smash very effectively with it's sharpened wood edge. It'll go through the Aztec's wooden Helmet too, so consider it a very lethal weapon. The problem is it's matched up against one of the best slashing weapons ever made, and the fact the the Maori is slow and unarmored simply means that the Maquihuitl is at it's most useful. No contest, Maquihuitl gets the Edge.

Edge- Maquihuitl

Long Range- Atlatl and unspellable spear vs Poi

As I mentioned before, the Maori is a large, unarmored target. This means that anything within 50 feet is an easy kill zone for the Aztec. The Poi is still a fruit unfortunately, so it loses all effectiveness in the fact that it's more useful eaten than weaponized. Edge goes to the weapon.

Edge- Atlatl and Spear

Special Weapons- Sharktoothed Club vs Tematlatl

Will this be the first edge for the Maori? Could this be the weapon that will turn the match around for him? Yes and No respectively, even though the sling has special rocks it's still a sling, meaning only direct perfect amazing headshots would kill. The Club is still awful, but slightly more effective than the sling in that it can knock you out right quick. So Edge barely goes to the Sharktooth Club.

Edge- Sharktooth Club

Armor- Cotton vs None

The Maori has no armor, and still manages to be slower than the Aztec. How is that possible you ask? Only a Maori could pull off such a feat, so kudos to him for being awful.

Edge- Aztec

Tactics- Speed and Steath vs Brutality and Ruthlessness

Brutality and Ruthlessness have it's merits in that they can intimidate the other warrior while simultaniously pumping yourself up to kill someone. However it's most effective when used with an arsenal of weapons that is brutally effective, which the Maori doesn't have at all. Spped and Stealth isn't even needed for victory here, as the Aztec could easily take the Maori in an open field, or closed area, or with one arm tied behind his back. Because of this, Aztec gets the Edge.

Edge- Aztec

Simulation: (will be short because of multiple reasons)

The Maori was practicing his tap dancing in his cell when suddenly a man came in throug an unseeable door behind him. He was angered by this intrusion, as he did not like to be seen practicing his true passion in life. The Man put a shock collar around his neck and took him out of the cell. The Maori tried to resist at first, but the small asian man overpowered the Maori and shocked him. They continued on towards the Weapons room without incident after that.

The Aztec was praying to his Gods when 3 Men came through a door behind him to take him away. He jumped up and kicked one of the men in the face, but the other two swept his legs out from under him and attached their collars. The two men took him down to th weapons room as the other man went to get his broken nose treated.

The Maori was given his weapons arsenal and tried to attack the man with his Taiaha. Unfortunately for him, the guard was fluent in in the art of dropkicking people, so he did that and shocked him down to the ground. He then dragged the crying Maori into the Waiting Room where he could hopefully regroup himself befre the door opened.

The Aztec was given his weapons and armor, and then he was shocked for no apparent reason by the younger of the two guards. The other guard hit him with a club and yelled at him as the Aztec put on his armor. When he was ready they led him down to the waiting room and closed the door behind him.

When the doors opened both warriors were immidiately blinded by all of the lights. When their eyes adjusted they looked at all of the people above them in awe at the sheer size of the place they were in. The Aztec then saw the Maori across the Arena and thought he would make a great sacrifice for the Gods, so he wound up his sling and let a rock fly.

The stone hit the Maori in the stomach, which easily absorbed all of the impact because of it's surface area. The Maori then got angry at the Aztec across from him, and charged at him. The Aztec saw this and whipped his spear at him using his Atlatl. The spear hit the Maori in his spleen, and he stopped to remove it from his body before continuing his charge.

When he got within range he swung his Taiaha, but the Aztec jumped back and swung his Maquihuitl at the Maori, gashing him across the surface of his stomach. The Maori then fell to the ground as the Aztec decided to make a quick sacrifice on the spot using his Tecpatl. He cut out his heart and showed it to the crowd around him, who cheered wildly. As the Aztec thought about how his children could have easily killed this man, Luke Skywalker climbed out of the gash in the Maori's stomach and ran over to the nearest guard for medical help.

Winner: Aztec

Ending Assessment:

In Soviet Russia, Maori Warrior kill you!

Final Results

Aztec Jaguar- 861 Kills

Tecpatl (Knife)- 98 Kills- The Aztec's Speed helped get this weapon so many kills.

Maquahuitl (Sword/Club/Chainsaw)- 324 Kills- The unarmored Maori was easily cut in two using this hell weapon.

Atlatl (Spear Launcher) and Tlacochtli (Spear)- 430 Kills- The superb range and speed of the spear easily downed the Maori

Tematlatl (Sling)- 9 Kills- Who wants to use a sling when you have an awesome spear?

Maori Warrior- 139 Kills

Mere- 34 Kills- Too short and hindered by the helmet

Taiaha- 95 Kills- Maoris best weapon failed to get in the double digits. Again.

Poi- 0 Kills- It's Fruit

Stingray Spear- 0 Kills- It's the dumbest use of time and energy ever. Think about how long it would take to go out, kill enough stingrays (the only animal to ever kill Steve Irwin) to get the barbs, then attach them to the end of a stick for a horrible weapon. Awful, simply awful.

Sharktooth Club- 10 Kills- See Stingray Spear

*Ending Note* The Sim is for entertainment purposes only, and is not to be taken seriously.