As we get ready to gather ‘round the dining table to gorge with our friends and family, we’re compelled to give thanks for our health, our loved ones, and general prosperity. But for every guy out there outwardly singing those generic praises, internally, there’s a slightly more specific list of things that we’re really thankful for.
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10. The Leatherman Tool
It’s in guys' DNA to tinker with, break, and then fix things. So naturally, we’re eternally grateful for anything that makes that task easier and more convenient.
So when Timothy Leatherman (presumably) thought to himself, “Why I am carrying around a bunch of tools when I could just fuse all these together into one small, ninja-style gadget?”, he stumbled upon an idea that would soon make us guys appear far more handy than we actually are.
Whether you need to open a tin can in the middle of the desert, tighten a bolt on the side of the highway, or pop open a bottle cap in the midst of a crowded party, these things never cease to find new uses when called upon in clutch situations.
9. The Dollar Menu Drive-Thru
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When faced with the prospect of cooking or dropping three bucks on some hot food that’s in your hands in mere moments, it’s a safe assumption that a significant portion of single guys will choose option #2. And since the average bachelor's refrigerator contents consist of separated, six-month-old milk jugs and random sauce packets, the cooking option becomes even less realistic, as it requires a trip to the store before you can even start cooking what you’re eventually going to eat.
Not surprisingly, the drive-thru has become a staple in the diet of guys across the nation. For the drive-thru dollar menu’s sheer convenience and affordability, we give deep-fried thanks. Without you, many of us probably would've starved to death by now.
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We considered giving thanks to home theater systems, or the boomin' car stereos handed down to us by the audio heavens, but when you get down to brass tacks, it’s really the subwoofer, specifically, that we really owe the greatest debt of gratitude to.
Whether it’s shaking your living room as you rain down death from above in Modern Warfare 2, adding some much needed thump to your morning commute, or making the girls shake it like a Polaroid on Friday night, the subwoofer gives everything that extra oomph that takes it to the next level.
Where would we be without combustibility? We’d have no fireworks. We’d have no shotguns. No space shuttles. Hell, we wouldn’t even have friggin’ cars.
When we figured out how to harness the power of fire to make things blow up, we opened a door to a whole plethora of awesomeness, practical and otherwise. And so, with each and every firing of the pistons in our hearts, we appreciate this fine gift we rely upon not only to make things blow up real good, but also keeps all of our loud and fiery machines doing their jobs.
6. "Bro" Movies
As guys, we can’t help but like bro movies – they’re tailor-made to amuse and entertain us. Through extensive neurological research (obviously), filmmakers have discovered that we really like getting drunk, seeing hot girls in scandalous situations, and beating "The Man", be it an evil college dean, a pissed-off girlfriend, or a hangover so bad it causes amnesia.
Devoid of any semblance of film pretence, the bro movie’s purpose is to provide us with instant gratification – its comfort food for the male psyche. Lately, there’s been more than enough heavy reality out there in the real world, so we’re truly thankful we still have the option to see a flick that’s likely to contain a scene with some classy chicks wrestling in a kiddie pool full of KY jelly when we head out to the theater.
While the Internet has an immeasurable amount of uses to guys across the world, there’s only one website that can bring the unabashed dereliction of your local region home like Craigslist can.
Whether you need a beater car for a demolition derby, a cheap HDTV that, you know, “fell off a truck”, or a “date” for Friday night, Craigslist is every guy’s one-stop online shopping for all things shady and wonderful.
Beyond all the bargains, casual hookups, and off-the-books job offers, how can you not be grateful for a website with a section devoted specifically to the ridiculousness of humanity?
Say what you will about the environmental ramifications, the wildly fluctuating gas prices, and the general state of the auto industry, you still cannot deny the fact that guys love horsepower.
Whether it’s stabbing the throttle on a muscle car to watch the tires go up in smoke, traversing the badlands in a beefed-up Jeep, or screaming down the lake in a crazy speedboat, there’s no denying the unbridled glee horsepower can generate.
3. Cheap Beer
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There is a true brilliance in cheap beer. It isn’t brewed for its amazing taste. It’s not marketed for its fashionable style. Cheap beer exists solely for the purpose of getting you drunk on a tight budget.
Cheap beer is responsible for countless regrettable-yet-great-at-the-time hookups, drunken adventures, hilarious brawls, savory beer-cooked foods, and the security of knowing that just about any time is an appropriate time to crack open a PBR.
2. The Push-up Bra
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Simply put, it would be impossible not to be thankful for a device designed to make boobs appear bigger. Before push-up bras, women’s breasts were forced into strange, cone-shaped contraptions that your grandma wouldn’t be caught dead in now. Needless to say, they weren’t doing much for anyone's libido.
But one glorious day in 1961, the Wonderbra was unleashed on the unsuspecting public, and brought with it an abundance of cleavage – truly a gift which anyone can appreciate. And appreciate it they did, which why the Wonderbra’s design has remained virtually identical to the one introduced almost fifty years ago.
1. Birth Control
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Perhaps the one thing guys across the globe are most frequently thankful for, birth control, in all its various forms, has been a boon to the sex lives of countless people for hundreds of years. Without it, we can only assume massive hoards of misanthropic bastard children would be roaming the Earth in search of those responsible for putting them on this rock in the first place.
And averting that fate for all of us, the pragmatic individuals throughout time who had the sense to realize that people were going to have sex regardless of the consequences, and in turn, would need some way to prevent unwanted pregnancies, are the great minds that we should be especially thankful for in this season and its abundance of warm fireplaces, spiked eggnog, and strategically-placed mistletoe.