The Nine Everyday Jobs That Attract the Hottest Women

June 9, 2010

Loose hygiene requirements and vending food privileges are not the only important job perks to consider upon choosing a new vocation. Often, it’s quite poignant to consider advancement opportunities, pension plans, and tax implications. Or, simply just choose the job with the easiest access to attractive women. Here are nine that should serve as a nice starting point.

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9. College Professor

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How many other semi-lucrative jobs provide legal access to 18-year-old girls who place an extremely high value on good grades and sexual exploration? College gals love pretending like they’re mature, and nothing says “respect my intellect” quite like sleeping with a married man who teaches Introduction to English Literature while waiting for his manuscript to get published.

To paraphrase Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused, no matter how old professors may get, freshman girls always stay the same age.

 

8. Tattoo Artist

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Every free-spirited female who dropped out of Arizona State University because the scholastic workload was creatively stifling probably has some sort of tribal band or nonsensical Chinese character tattooed on her torso. Attractive (and often misguided) young ladies like expressing themselves through body art and since putting on the ink-based emblems can often take several hours, extended flirtation is almost inevitable.


7. Divorce Lawyer

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No place inspires revenge sex quite like divorce court. The idea of watching their husbands start dating a collection of 20-year-old borderline literate bartenders is enough to make most women jump into the arms of the first man they see. Luckily, that man is usually their sleazy lawyer who isn’t afraid to mix a little business with pleasure and then send an itemized bill to the ex-husband for "services rendered."

 

6. Pediatrician

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Single mothers don’t have the time or energy to put on a slutty top and start video chatting with the social winners who pay $34/month to join Internet dating sites. Contrary to popular belief, raising a child alone is not the cakewalk that every Lifetime movie of the week makes it out to be. Single mothers are focused on their kids and rarely come across romantic opportunities. That is, of course, until they enter the pediatrician’s office.

Fact: Kids get sick.
Fact: In America, these kids usually see doctors.
Fact: They rarely drive themselves to the appointment.

Pediatrician offices are a goldmine for single mother lovers. Hell, some well-adjusted predators hang out in waiting rooms just to catch a glimpse of some breastfeeding.

 

5. High-End Clothing Salesman

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According to Wikipedia, women love shopping. Oftentimes, they will ask for advice from employees who are paid to converse with attractive customers for hours at a time. Sure, not many women go to the mall thinking “I hope I meet an ambitious shoe salesman who can’t support the child I had with that bouncer who swore he was wearing a condom,” but there are still a lot of them willing to date a man who still wears a name tag to work.

Plus, not only are many women willing to get down on their knees for discounted Jimmy Choos, but some aspiring fashionistas may actually be attracted to a man who knows (or cares about) the difference between platform heels and four-inch pumps.

 

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4. Wedding Photographer

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No single woman wants to watch her friend get married without taking home some sort of middle-aged consolation prize she met between the best man toast and "Hava Nagila."

Since most women don’t want to gain a reputation for sleeping with the groom’s best friend (who’s probably engaged) they tend to settle for a man who has no actual association with the party. Enter the photographer.

He has easy access to every inch of the reception and even gets to do some early bridesmaid scouting during the pre-wedding photo shoot. Wedding photographers get to use the phrase “artistic expression” while sporting a rented tuxedo, and have the ability to attract both women who appreciate creative vagabonds and gainfully employed adults. It’s a real double threat.

3. Plastic Surgeon

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There’s nothing that shallow women love more than a wealthy doctor with easy access to painkillers who isn’t concerned with things like “inner beauty” or credit card debt. As the rock stars of the medical community, plastic surgeons routinely deal with females who are looking for sexual validation and try to achieve it through potentially dangerous breast augmentation and promiscuous sex with people who don’t understand the pitfalls of alimony or gonorrhea.

A plastic surgeon’s Rolodex is a catalogue of nearly-nude before-and-after pictures without the Hydroxycut advertisement covering up the nipples. If you have drive, determination, and an unused medical degree this is an excellent vocation to pursue.



2. Bartender

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Is there any other job on the planet where a 34-year-old community college sophomore who depends on his mother for rides home can become the single most enviable person in a room full of doctors, lawyers, and highly-decorated grade school bus drivers? Bartenders control the flow of alcohol every time they put on their management-approved aprons and begin deciding which attractive women they’re going to provide with free drinks.

They are the only men in an exclusive nightlife setting who interact with nearly every (drunken) woman in the room looking to prove that poor lighting and slight weight gain aren't deal closers for alcoholic men.

 

1. Personal Trainer

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Every time a young woman breaks up with her boyfriend and begins staring down the barrel of cat ownership and Russian Community Center speed dating, the first call she makes is often to her personal trainer. Sometimes, it’s to work off the freshly baked calories she packed on during the “you’re better off without him” buffet her girlfriends hosted. More often than not, though, it’s because she is desperate to prove her self-worth with a virile gentleman who is financially obligated to spend 75 minutes with her three days a week after work.

Granted, there’s more to being a personal trainer than fielding late night “does my ass look fat?” phone calls from divorcees who tape inspirational Sex in the City quotes to the inside of their YMCA lockers, but generally speaking, ensuring the physical satisfaction of their clients is the most important aspect of being a professional workout buddy.

 

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