With all the stresses of the grownup world, wouldn't it be nice to go back to a time when your entire year was just about Christmas and birthdays? In our crazy world, who wouldn't want to be a kid forever? And toy companies aren't helping matters. Every year they keep cranking out wicked toys that make our generation’s playthings look like so much plastic junk.
Source: Buzz Bee
By Geoff Shakespeare
10. The Buzz Bee Toys Tarantula Motorized Squirt Gun
The last 20 years have seen some amazing advancements in squirt gun technology. Unlike those cheap little jobs your mom used to buy you at the drugstore, today’s squirt guns are weapons of mass soaking. They shoot more water at farther distances with more power. There are a lot of awesome soakers to choose from, but only one has what it takes to rule the summer. The Buzz Bee Toys Tarantula has an onboard, rechargeable battery that helps you drench targets at up to 35 feet. That, coupled with its impressive 57-ounce tank, will ensure that any kid lucky enough to have one will basically own any water fight he gets into. The only way you’re getting beaten with a Tarantula is if someone’s got the hose.
9. Ski Skoot
Source: Ski Skoot
Scooters have been around forever, but they’ve always had one drawback...they're useless in the snow. Well thanks to the folks at Ski Skoot, scooters are no longer just for sunny days. Snap off the wheels and slap on the skis and you’ll be whipping down the local hill at dangerous speeds in no time flat! You can do all the standard scooter tricks with the added bonuses of increased speed and greatly increased chances of grievous bodily injury. Any milquetoast can ride down a snowy hill on some moldy old innertube, but it takes a pretty tough 10-year-old to cheat death on a Ski Skoot. The choice is yours. But ask yourself this. Who do you think Janie from Mrs. Wilson’s class is going to ask to the Sadie Hawkins Dance?
8. Fisher-Price Power Wheels Kawasaki KFX Ninja Ultimate Terrain Traction
Bikes are fun. Who among us doesn’t have great memories of careening down a bumpy path or whipping down a suburban street with only our tiny little legs to propel us? And therein lies the greatest drawback of the bicycle...no power. Today’s modern kid doesn’t have the time, energy, or knowhow to propel a bike. Raised in a world that requires nothing more strenuous than pushing videogame controller buttons, little boys today are lucky if they can make it up a flight of stairs, let alone peddle a bike. Today’s kids demand power. And the Fisher-Price Power Wheels Kawasaki KFX Ninja Ultimate Terrain Traction delivers. The KFX Ninja runs on a 12-volt battery, has power lock breaks, rips over any obstacle, and can reach speeds of 5 mph! That may not seem like much, but when you’re a 10-year-old who gets winded eating breakfast, it’s more than enough to make you feel like the coolest kid on the block.
7. Screature Interactive Dinosaur
If you’re bored pushing the feed button on your Tamogotchi and want to take care of something a little manlier, why not get a Screature Interactive Dinosaur? The Screature needs to be fed, cared for, and generally kept in a docile state. But this isn’t one of those wussy pet dinosaurs. The Screature has all the fire and bloodlust that made dinosaurs nature’s greatest killers. Make it angry or get stingy with the eats and this junior Jurassic monster will let you hear about it. Master the beast, and he’ll be your loyal guard and servant. But let the beast master you, and you’ll end up as lunch.
With its realistic colors and bladder-loosening scream, the Screature will lock even the toughest kid in a do-or-die battle of survival and turn his bedroom into a blood-soaked Darwinian proving ground. The Screature is a lot of fun but it’s also a great way to teach kids the fundamentals of vicious animal care. It’s a must-have for any boy who dreams of growing up and having a very special dog fighting ring of his own.
6. The Spy Video ATV 360
Source: Spy Gear
The Spy Video ATV 360 from Spy Gear proves the old toy maxim that the only thing better than two cool toys is two cool toys put together. Remote control cars are cool. Spy cameras are cool. But a remote controlled car with a built-in spy camera? That’s off-the-charts awesome. The Spy Video ATV 360 is the realization of a million kids’ dreams. Because of its compact size, the Spy Video ATV 360 can travel to all those spots kids are dying to see, but can’t get to. Armed with a Spy Video ATV 360, pint-sized voyeurs can look for loose change under the couch without wading through a forest of dust bunnies, check out the creepy crawlspace under the house without risking a fatal Boogieman attack, and once and for all, solve the mystery of just what exactly is going on in the girls bathroom without getting suspended.
Well, that last one will probably still get them arrested, or at least earn them a year of appointments with the school psychiatrist. Nobody ever said being a spy was going to be easy.
5. LEGO Mindstorms
Ever since failed carpenter Ole Kirk Christiansen made his first plastic brick, the crazy Danish geniuses at LEGO have been pumping out LEGO brand building sets all over the world. Back in the day, LEGO sets were pretty tame affairs. Most were just a collection of multicolored bricks with the occasional vehicle or house. Nowadays, however, LEGO produces all kinds of building sets and licenses all manner of movies and cartoons. But their coolest line has to be the Mindstorms collection.
Forget the generic cars and lame castles we all grew up building. With the Mindstorms sets, you can design and build actual working machines, vehicles, and robots. Sure, the Mindstorms line is ostensibly educational and will teach kids some fundamentals of engineering and science. But don’t worry. With its crazy robots and perpetual motion machines, it’s teaching them the good kind of science. Mad science.
4. The Star Wars Clone Wars Ultimate Lightsaber
It’s a truth universally acknowledged that anybody who’s ever seen a Star Wars movie would give their left nut for their very own working Lightsaber. Well, until someone actually builds one (we’re waiting, Detroit!) closet Jedis will have to settle for the Star Wars Clone Wars Ultimate Lightsaber.
The set consists of 22 different Lightsaber parts capable of making over 1,000 different Lightsaber configurations. You can put them together any way you want and complete the crucial step that every young Jedi must take. You may never get to be a real Luke Skywalker and slice your way through hordes of Storm Troopers or go toe-to-toe with a Dark Lord of the Sith, but at least with the Star Wars Clone Wars Ultimate Lightsaber you can look the part. Just don't film yourself playing with it or else it will end up on the Internet and you'll be alone for every single Saturday night for the rest of your life.
Actually, if you’re over the age of twelve, just having this set will negatively affect your ability to score. We’re not saying don’t buy it, because that would be silly. We’re just saying keep it well-hidden when human girls come over.
3. Hydrocar Education Kit
Source: Horizon Fuel Cell Technologies
Don’t let the name of this toy fool you. Yes, it has “education” in it. But this remote-controlled car is so cool that any kid lucky enough to get one will instantly forget that they’re supposed to be learning something while they’re playing with it.
Unlike most remote controlled cars that run on batteries, the Hydrocar actually has “a next generation reversible Polymer Electrolyte Membrane (PEM) fuel cell.” We’re not exactly sure what that’s supposed to mean, but we do know that basically, this bad boy runs on water. The car of the future is here, and it looks like the girl robot from Wall-E. And it’s small. Those things alone don’t sound all that cool, but did we mention it runs on water? If that isn’t enough to sell you (and if it isn’t, shame on you) then consider this. The Hydrocar can also steer itself when presented with an obstacle. It’s lightweight, runs on water, and can think for itself. This may not be the coolest toy ever made, but it just might be the scariest.
2. The Hot Wheels Trick Tracks Ultimate Stunt World Play Track Set
Source: Hot Wheels
Everyone loves Hot Wheels cars. They’re fun, metal, and just the right size to go flying off every ramp-like surface a kid can find. They may not have had power, but they could take whatever a sadistic 10-year-old stunt coordinator could throw at them. Hot Wheels also sold race tracks, but none could match the average suburban house for pulse-pounding straightaways, loops, and dead drops.
Well Hot Wheels now has a track that’ll let you put on the kind of sweet stunts that Evil Knievel has wet dreams about. The Hot Wheels Trick Tracks Ultimate Stunt World Play Track Set is a fully customizable race track that lets little daredevils do stunts like “the Power Loop, Drop Tower, Spiral Spin-Out, Zigzag Slide, Freefall Drop, Mini Slide, and Flame Launch.” It comes with all kinds of tracks, 10 cars, two jump ramps, and two exploding fuel tanks. That’s right. Two exploding fuel tanks. Fire retardant blankets and extinguishers sold separately.
1. Banzai Wipeout Curve Water Park
Besides drenching the neighborhood with high-powered squirt guns, there’s no better way to spend a hot summer day than slipping and sliding on a piece of wet plastic. Sure, you can go cheap and dump some dishwasher detergent on a wet sheet of plastic, but that’s going to impress the cool kids on your block. Why not drop a few extra bucks and blow yourself up a Banzai Wipeout Curve Water Park?
The Banzai Wipeout Curve Water Park is a big ass waterslide for your very own backyard. It has a superhigh tower, a wicked curved waterslide, and pool at the bottom. It has all the fun of a public waterslide, but none of the communicable diseases or creepy weirdos in Speedos. Any kid can have a pool in his backyard, but who do you think is going to pull in the big crowds come August? A kid with his own pool, or a kid with his very own waterslide? Throw in a couple of Tarantula Squirt Guns and the neighborhood is yours! At least until supper time.
We know they’re made for 10-year-olds, but f*** it. We’re getting one anyway.