Nobody wants to cheer for a losing team in a sparsely attending arena. Quite frankly, being a Minnesota Timberwolves fan is just plain depressing. That's why the majority of America (and the fancy parts of Canada) have decided to root for popular teams with sexy fan bases and lots of top play nominees on SportsCenter.
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9. Detroit Red Wings
According to the latest information from America’s Census Bureau, Detroit is a fledgling ghost town that has substituted the auto industry for “depressing photos of foreclosed homes” as their number one export. About 17,000 people are left in hockeytown and almost none of them can afford to watch Ruslan Salei search for his first goal of the season.
Fortunately, the majority of Red Wings fans currently live nowhere near the state of Michigan and have not had their ability to buy championship t-shirts hindered by the struggling Detroit economy.
8. North Carolina Tar Heels Basketball
Have you ever noticed that the majority of people who “bleed baby blue” didn’t actually attend the University of North Carolina, have family who attended North Carolina, or know anybody who has taken a flight that had a brief layover in a North Carolina airport? Granted, the Tar Heel colors are really pretty and Tyler Hansbrough seems like a great cuddler, but perhaps it’s time to find a team that plays within 500 miles of your house to cheer for “dude in Seattle who has a ‘die-hard-Heel’ sign on his front lawn.”
7. Manchester United
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You don’t earn the moniker “The Yankees of Soccer” without having a few million bandwagon fans cheering you on and/or savagely beating rival supporters with homemade weaponry in the parking lot.
6. Florida Gators Football
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While becoming friendly with Tim Tebow can help improve your chances of getting into Heaven, it seems a tad peculiar for millions of people – who couldn’t locate Gainesville on a map – to adopt the Gators as their favorite college football team simply because Jesus Christ’s second cousin plays quarterback for them.
Ever since Tebow came down from Heaven and blessed the Florida campus, millions of people have abandoned their previous collegiate allegiances and declared their (new) undying love for Gators football.
And yes, God is watching.
5. USC Football
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Remember when USC was a .500 football team at the end of the 1990s before they figured out that recruiting violations were more effective than hard work? Well, neither do most people in the Los Angeles area, because they started cheering for the Trojans a few days after Reggie Bush picked up his signing bonus.
Although the school does have its fair share of dedicated alumni, the minute Brodie Jenner and Snoop Dogg started rocking the cardinal and gold, USC officially jumped the shark and entered Dallas Cowboys territory.
4. The Olympics
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People support these things once every four years…tops. Zero loyalty.
3. Los Angeles Lakers
Earlier this year, some Spike.com writers visited a nearby sports bar to watch the Los Angeles Lakers take on the Toronto Raptors. Midway through the game, an El Salvadorian immigrant wearing a Kurt Rambis jersey (no shirt underneath) explained that he had been a Lakers fan his “entire life, bro” after detailing how much he loves the celebrity crowds and Kobe Bryant. With the exception of his subsequent complaint about Jordan Farmar’s playing time – which had been drastically cut to him no longer playing for Los Angeles – his Denzel Washington celebrity fan praise essentially summed up the entire Lakers fan base better than any Boston Celtics fan ever could.
2. Dallas Cowboys
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Just because the Cowboys decided to start calling themselves “America’s team” a few decades ago doesn’t give everybody in the United States the right to cheer for them. Sure, their rich tradition of coaching changes and roster arrests make the Cowboys an appealing choice for people in non-NFL cities like Los Angeles, but at some point fans have to sit back and say “this wagon is a little crowded. I think I’m going to go jump on the Jacksonville Jaguars’ one. It offers a lot of leg room.”
1. New York Yankees
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When Scandinavian immigrants start wearing Derek Jeter jerseys to their co-ed rec league curling matches because “that Jay-Z fella said they were cool,” it might be time to admit that the team’s fan base isn’t exactly filled with homegrown/legitimate fans. From LeBron James to the Canadian kid in my college dormitory who smelled like devalued currency and poor motor skills, the Yankees boast an eclectic mix of fans who woke up one day and thought “if I’m going to cheer for a baseball team, it might as well be a popular one that wins all the time.”