Most of us will have the day off for Labor Day next Monday, but the folks at ComedyCentral will be hard at work to keep the fires going; those fires being the comedians, actors, and other personalities assembled for the Comedy Central Roast of James Franco, premiering Monday, September 2nd at 10/9c.
The #FrancoRoast isn’t just fun, it’s necessary. For the last thirteen years, and especially recently, Franco has been hell bent on making us feel awful about ourselves by making great films, showcasing his art, getting short stories published, writing novels, obtaining degrees, and everything else you always wanted to accomplish in your life but didn’t. What’s worse is that he’s doing it all at the same time, where we can’t even handle ordering from a menu with more than a dozen items on it.
Here are just some of the reasons why you should not only hate James Franco, but tune in to see him get what’s coming to him.
He’s a freaking movie star
From the titular character in the TNT biopic “James Dean” to the guy responsible for helping bring about the end of the world as we know it in “Rise of the Planet of the Apes,” Franco has carved out a Hell of a career for himself and become one of the most sought-after leading men in Hollywood. If only they can catch up with him.
He was on "Freaks and Geeks"
Not only was he on a cult favorite that launched a lot of careers, he played one of the cool kids. I mean c’mon.
He played a fictional version of himself on a soap opera
Was it a goof or for real? Is he secretly a fan of soap operas or is it a commentary on celebrity? Whatever the motivations were for his stint on “General Hospital” playing a performance artist and possible murderer named “Franco,” it was as fascinating as it was baffling.
He’s probably smarter than all of us combined
Franco started his academic career at UCLA, but dropped out in his freshman year to pursue acting. In 2006 he re-enrolled in college, took triple the average full-time semester workload, and earned his Bachelor’s in two years with a 3.5 GPA. Then he enrolled in about a hundred grad programs simultaneously, culminating in a PhD candidacy at Yale. All of this while still working full-time as an actor. Alright, James, we get it. You’re smart.
Even if he isn’t smarter than all of us combined, he’s way harder working
His ability o juggle a multitude of professional and academic pursuits with ease means he’s either one of the smartest guys around or he has super-human focus and work ethic. I don’t know which is worse, but either way, I hate him for it almost as much as he makes me hate myself for not doing nearly enough with my own life.
His homework is published in Esquire and McSweeney's
His academic pursuits are focused on film and writing, and his undergraduate honor thesis was a novel he completed while shooting something like eight films at once. As a grad student, short stories he wrote for classes ended up being accepted, published, and celebrated in publications like Esquire and McSweeney’s. If you’re like me, you were embarrassed most times to even hand your homework in, let alone have the whole world read it.
Let’s face it: James Franco is a handsome dude. Everyone from GQ to your ex-girlfriend that runs the Tumblr blog “F*** Yeah Pictures of James Franco” will tell you so. It’s undeniably opened a lot of doors for him in Hollywood, even if it also gets in the way of him being taken seriously as an artist. Poor baby.
He can go days without shaving and not look homeless
If James Franco grows a stubble that turns into a half-beard, he looks ruggedly handsome and adds to his look. If any of us do that, we look homeless, depressed, destitute, or some combination of the three. Also, it itches like Hell. Franco doesn’t itch. He doesn’t have time to. In fact, we’re pretty sure he just closes his eyes, grunts, and instantly pops out perfectly groomed facial hair. This guy is a monster and must be stopped.
He played a dude that sawed off his own arm
“127 Hours” is one of the most hardcore movies ever made about one of the most hardcore men that’s ever lived. Although the subject of the film will tell you he was just doing what he had to do to survive, there aren’t many of us that would have the guts to cut off our own arm. Sure, Franco was just playing that dude and didn’t actually saw off his own arm, but just being in proximity of that sort of bad-assery is more than most of us can say.
Gucci gave him an endorsement deal
So not only does he make a ton of money, he probably gets a lot of their stuff for free. And we’re talking Gucci, the stuff most guys rap about owning but can’t actually afford. Franco, if you’re reading this, hook a guy up, will you?
He's hosted SNL twice
Hosting SNL is a rite of passage for actors and comedians. Getting the gig says you’ve officially “made it.” Franco’s already done it twice, and if his current career trajectory is any indication he’ll be joining the Five-Timers Club by the end of the decade.
He’s important enough to get roasted
Getting roasted by the likes of Jeff Ross, Sarah Silverman, Aziz Ansari, Nick Kroll, Natasha Leggero, Bill Hader, Roastmaster Seth Rogen, and others would be a scary proposition to most of us, because we’re losers. These people would take our already fragile self-esteem and tear it asunder, making us cry ourselves to sleep for years. But for someone like Franco, it’s a celebration of a guy that’s achieved a lot in his career and still has plenty more years in front of him.
See him get what’s coming to him next Monday, September 2nd at 10/9c on our sister channel, Comedy Central. Here’s a preview featuring Sarah Silverman and
John Belushi’s corpse Jonah Hill: