It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. There was some totally rad stuff out there, and then there was just some god-awful, straight-to-the-regift pile crap. Herein, I chronicle both sides of the digital, gift-giving coin as it flipped through 2008.
By Reverend Danger
The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.
5. EEE PC
The Eee PC has a name you just want to squeal like you’re a 10-year-old girl on a rollercoaster (albeit a totally manly 10-year old girl with a pretty substantial beard). It was also the laptop to start the landslide of “netbooks” (small, light, cheap laptops designed for business travelers and midgets). It runs Linux on most versions, so it’s super cheap, and it’s adorable, so it might get you laid as much or more than a cute pet. Bonus: it’s more useful than a pug.
4. Wii Fit
The Wii Fit is something I can say that I’ve honestly never played, and probably never will. However, it made the top 5 gadgets of the year for 2 very important reasons. The first is that it is heralding a vast revolution in the way games are played. Second is because for reasons unbeknownst to all but the most learned pornographers, the Wii Fit happens to be a sex machine.
3. Sanyo Xacti HD
Two years ago I really wanted Santa to bring me a pocket-sized video camera, but the only ones with decent resolution were the size of Andre the Giant’s pockets. This year saw several innovations in digital recording, but the sexiest in my opinion was the Sanyo Xacti HD. It’s kind of pricey, but I hate money, so that doesn’t matter.
2. T-Mobile G1
The G1 was super hyped because it was the first phone ever to run Google’s mobile operating system, Android. It came out to mixed reviews that usually hemmed and hawed regarding whether Google was a good company or not, then got down to the fact (in the last 2 sentences) that, in fact, the G1 was a pretty solid phone. It’s so solid, in fact, that the mighty Google is giving all their employees a special edition G1 that works all over the world and has a picture of a robot on it for a Christmas bonus.
1. iPhone 3G
The iPhone barely made it on the best list. This is not because it lacks any kind of technical awesomeness. I mean, you can turn it into a beer and boobs for pete’s sake! It tediously teeters on the rim of the best list because of the Cult of the iPhone – a new (and thus highly-motivated) cell in the Cult of Apple. I’ve seen sheep act that way right before they were lead to slaughter. But still, it's a pretty kick-ass phone.
Let’s just throw this out there: I’m about 100% more likely to buy anything on the worst list than I am on the best list. This is because I am very irresponsible and love irony more than, oh, we’ll say “family.” That being said, I recognize how a lot of people think a functional cell phone is more important than floating BBQ lounge. They are wrong, but they are the majority that sculpted this list.
5. BBQ Donut
The BBQ Donut is a circular water vessel with an outboard motor, a sunbrella/bimini shade thingy, and a mother-flipping grill in the center of it. Somebody teetering on the razor’s edge between madness and brilliance must’ve forged this one in their brainpiece. Delicious though it may be, a floating fire barge of doom seems like a recipe for disaster.
4. Belly Button Brush
The Belly Button Brush is useless, yes, but also kind of awesome. It’s the type of thing a maharajah would have for when his palm frond fanners got too many dust mites into his cavernous, date-filled belly button. Then he’d call his manservant over to brush it out and refill his flagon with fermented camel milk. I’ve never been outside the continental U.S.
3. Mac Air
The Mac Air is beautiful and skinny and useless. It’s like Kate Moss: there’s been thousands of pages devoted to its elegant curves, but at the end of the day, if you actually wanted to use it for something you’d break it in two. You’d be s**t out of luck. What you really want is the refurbished, enormous laptop from Costco or something. These laptops are like Brooke Hogan. Sure, it might not look so hot, but it’s sturdy enough to get all the dirty jobs done.
Also, before anybody in the Cult of Apple says anything about the ridiculous nature of the other worst gadgets compared to the Mac Air, let me just say that I would use a Belly Button Brush 1000% more than I would a Mac Air. I’ve got a messed up belly button, man.
2. Liquid USB
There’s a lot of wacky thumb drives out there, but most of them seem relatively harmless in their wackiness. The liquid USB drive, though, seems to take that wackiness and needlessly endanger your stored data. Why don’t we surround your precious term paper with amber colored liquid? Beer is great, why wouldn’t this be a great idea? It’s a simple equation.
1. HD DVD
Epic fail, HD DVDs. Epic fail. Why would you not secure the realms of gaming an pornography? About 89% of the digital media in my home (and every other male 18-35) falls into one of those two categories. Now, to realize just how bad this particular slice of technology was, just ask everybody with a library of HD DVDs and $500 players.