12 Steps to help Resolve the Recent ESPN Sex Scandal | SPIKE

ESPN Analyst Steve Phillips is in a little bit of hot water right now after reports were recently leaked about his affair with a 22-year-old intern (oops!). But fear not, Steve. Even though ESPN has decided to distance themselves from someone who spent last summer nailing a chubby brunette girl in a St. Louis hotel room while his wife and kids were at home wondering why Daddy hasn’t called yet, there’s still time to salvage your career with a little “spin.”

Source: Rich Pilling/Major League Baseball/Getty Images

Now sure, some book called “The Bible” claims that adultery is a sin, but I don't necessarily blame Phillips for cheating on his wife with a psychotic sorority girl looking to "blow" her way to a sideline reporting job. I'm just disappointed that he couldn't have picked a more attractive one to throw his career (and to a lesser extent, marriage) away over. Seriously, she looks like a cross between the Miley Cyrus and Danny DeVito.

So Steve, if you’re reading this (which let’s be honest, you have plenty of time to do these days), follow along carefully. I refuse to raise the illegitimate children I’m not yet aware of in a world where the guy who brought Mo Vaughn to the New York Mets can’t keep a job, yet Zach Braff is allowed to keep making movies without any sort of government intervention.

Step 1. Nail At Least Three Other 22-Year-Old Interns Immediately

A 48-year-old man who sleeps with one barely-legal subordinate is kind of creepy and not very endearing to the men of America who pretend to frown upon this sort of thing. But a sexual deviant who bangs anything with two legs and a media pass isn’t just a depressing elderly man looking to kill 25 minutes before an Albert Pujols interview, but rather a sex addict in need of therapy and the understanding of his family and employer. If played correctly, you can actually make your wife look like the bad guy here. Which brings us to point two…

Step 2. Make Your Wife Look Like the Bad Guy

If there’s one thing American males appreciate (besides good fantasy football advice and sweet pickup trucks), it’s the regretful feeling of having to sleep with a woman in her 40s. Right now, your peers are just looking for a socially acceptable reason to defend you to the childless, cat-owning feminist at the water cooler who doesn’t need a man in her life because knitting sweaters for “Buttons” and “Mr. Scratchy” already takes up too much of her time. Maybe your wife had gained a little weight? Refused to get breast enhancement surgery? Perhaps she was spending money on useless things like her wardrobe, health insurance, and medication for her parents? Quite frankly, any real reason will work here.

Step 3. Plant Drugs in John Kruk’s Car

The American public has a pretty short attention span and doesn’t really have the ability to focus on more than one scandal at a time. So, the minute police find 42 pounds of black tar heroin in the back of John Kruk’s pick-up truck with an Arabic receipt from an Afghani poppy field, people will forget the broadcaster who cheated on his wife and begin demanding that the drug dealing, former Phillie be terminated. By comparison you’re not such a scumbag and all of a sudden you gain street cred for having a friend in prison.

Step 4. Blame Your Kids (Privately, Of Course)

There’s nothing that motivates a child to lead a happy and healthy life quite like knowing that Daddy cheated on Mommy because they forgot to put away their toys. And as an added bonus you won’t have to worry about having any Pokémon cards around the kitchen table during the one weekend per month you get to see your kids if junior thinks grandma may die if he doesn’t put them back in the cupboard. Terrified, self-loathing children and a clean house! Talk about your classic win-win scenario.

Step 5. Get Drunk

When is this ever a bad idea? And if anybody sees you plastered outside of a Chili’s yelling “Don’t judge me, I used to be friends with Mike Piazza,” the media will assume you’re an alcoholic and empathize with your plight. Look at Robert Downey Jr. and Barney Gumble. This country is willing to give anybody with a drinking problem a second chance, provided they’re not poor and/or a woman.

Step 6. Accuse Several Other Analysts of Having Terrorist Ties

Viewers may forgive John Kruk’s addiction to heroin once he gets out of jail, but nobody wants to listen to Osama Bin Laden’s right hand man criticize Derek Jeter for bunting in the fourth inning. This would sort of work like the McCarthy-era of communism, only Buster Olny wouldn’t get the benefit of a fake trial when Photoshopped pictures of him taking batting practice with Cat Stevens surface on www.olny-hates-america-.com. (Yep - that domain name is surprisingly still available on GoDaddy.)