12 Steps to Resolve the Steve Phillips ESPN Sex Scandal

October 22, 2009

ESPN Analyst Steve Phillips is in a little bit of hot water right now after reports were recently leaked about his affair with a 22-year-old intern (oops!). But fear not, Steve. Even though ESPN has decided to distance themselves from someone who spent last summer nailing a chubby brunette girl in a St. Louis hotel room while his wife and kids were at home wondering why Daddy hasn’t called yet, there’s still time to salvage your career with a little “spin.”

Source: Rich Pilling/Major League Baseball/Getty Images

Now sure, some book called “The Bible” claims that adultery is a sin, but I don't necessarily blame Phillips for cheating on his wife with a psychotic sorority girl looking to "blow" her way to a sideline reporting job. I'm just disappointed that he couldn't have picked a more attractive one to throw his career (and to a lesser extent, marriage) away over. Seriously, she looks like a cross between the Miley Cyrus and Danny DeVito.

So Steve, if you’re reading this (which let’s be honest, you have plenty of time to do these days), follow along carefully. I refuse to raise the illegitimate children I’m not yet aware of in a world where the guy who brought Mo Vaughn to the New York Mets can’t keep a job, yet Zach Braff is allowed to keep making movies without any sort of government intervention.

Step 1. Nail At Least Three Other 22-Year-Old Interns Immediately

A 48-year-old man who sleeps with one barely-legal subordinate is kind of creepy and not very endearing to the men of America who pretend to frown upon this sort of thing. But a sexual deviant who bangs anything with two legs and a media pass isn’t just a depressing elderly man looking to kill 25 minutes before an Albert Pujols interview, but rather a sex addict in need of therapy and the understanding of his family and employer. If played correctly, you can actually make your wife look like the bad guy here. Which brings us to point two…

Step 2. Make Your Wife Look Like the Bad Guy

If there’s one thing American males appreciate (besides good fantasy football advice and sweet pickup trucks), it’s the regretful feeling of having to sleep with a woman in her 40s. Right now, your peers are just looking for a socially acceptable reason to defend you to the childless, cat-owning feminist at the water cooler who doesn’t need a man in her life because knitting sweaters for “Buttons” and “Mr. Scratchy” already takes up too much of her time. Maybe your wife had gained a little weight? Refused to get breast enhancement surgery? Perhaps she was spending money on useless things like her wardrobe, health insurance, and medication for her parents? Quite frankly, any real reason will work here.

Step 3. Plant Drugs in John Kruk’s Car

The American public has a pretty short attention span and doesn’t really have the ability to focus on more than one scandal at a time. So, the minute police find 42 pounds of black tar heroin in the back of John Kruk’s pick-up truck with an Arabic receipt from an Afghani poppy field, people will forget the broadcaster who cheated on his wife and begin demanding that the drug dealing, former Phillie be terminated. By comparison you’re not such a scumbag and all of a sudden you gain street cred for having a friend in prison.

Step 4. Blame Your Kids (Privately, Of Course)

There’s nothing that motivates a child to lead a happy and healthy life quite like knowing that Daddy cheated on Mommy because they forgot to put away their toys. And as an added bonus you won’t have to worry about having any Pokémon cards around the kitchen table during the one weekend per month you get to see your kids if junior thinks grandma may die if he doesn’t put them back in the cupboard. Terrified, self-loathing children and a clean house! Talk about your classic win-win scenario.

Step 5. Get Drunk

When is this ever a bad idea? And if anybody sees you plastered outside of a Chili’s yelling “Don’t judge me, I used to be friends with Mike Piazza,” the media will assume you’re an alcoholic and empathize with your plight. Look at Robert Downey Jr. and Barney Gumble. This country is willing to give anybody with a drinking problem a second chance, provided they’re not poor and/or a woman.

Step 6. Accuse Several Other Analysts of Having Terrorist Ties

Viewers may forgive John Kruk’s addiction to heroin once he gets out of jail, but nobody wants to listen to Osama Bin Laden’s right hand man criticize Derek Jeter for bunting in the fourth inning. This would sort of work like the McCarthy-era of communism, only Buster Olny wouldn’t get the benefit of a fake trial when Photoshopped pictures of him taking batting practice with Cat Stevens surface on www.olny-hates-america-.com. (Yep - that domain name is surprisingly still available on GoDaddy.)

7. Get Several C-List Musicians To Write a Catchy Song About Your Triumphant Battle Through Divorce

Granted, most artists prefer to produce tunes about innocent men sitting in jail or help fight widespread disease, but there’s got to be a couple bottom-of-the-barrel boy bands looking to make a comeback that can help write “She’s Taking Half My Money” or “His Wife Made Him Do It.” And since rappers love sports, the chances of Kanye West (whose reputation as a caring, considerate member of society is at an all-time high right now) could do a fun remix to his song “Gold Digger” to further discredit your wife.

8. Invest All Your Money in Anabolic Steroids

Not only is it a growth market in Major League Baseball, but during a messy divorce there’s no better way to hide all of your assets from that b**** ex-wife looking to pay rent and feed your children than investing it in illegal drugs with non-taxable profits. And if the cops ever start getting nosy, just hide the evidence back in John Kruk’s trunk. He’s already been convicted at this point, so now it’s just extra evidence.

9. Release a Sex Tape of the Affair

Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, and Steve Phillips… Pretty much every borderline celebrity that releases a sex tape has a career bump afterwards, so if you play your cards right, Ryan Seacrest might give you a call about a new Keeping Up with the Phillips reality show on E! to debut immediately following Lamar Odom’s 275 Pound Mistake on the Sunday afternoon lineup of athletes making poor life decisions.

10. End Global Warming

If a guy ends the most prevalent environmental problem facing the planet, and then celebrates by stabbing three Taiwanese hookers in the back of a an illegal cockfighting bar, everybody’s still going to know him as “The Guy Who Cured Global Warming,” not the gentleman who savagely murdered some prostitutes. So think about how quickly the world will forget the fact that you destroyed your family when Al Gore has you narrate his next documentary. (O.J. Simpson tried the same thing and nearly succeeded before going to jail last year, so feel free to ask him for his notes on polarizing ice caps. The Unabomber – big fan of yours by the way – called it his best work since the 1969 Rose Bowl.)

11. Get Some Dirt On Oprah … Then Blackmail Her for Support

Women in this country don’t care if you’re guilty, innocent, apologetic, or selling some of John Kruk’s heroin to their high school-aged daughter. All they want to know is what Oprah Winfrey thinks about the situation. And since she proved she doesn’t discriminate against unlikable older gentleman at the end of their careers when she let Tom Cruise pretended to be straight on her couch, you may have a shot if you're willing to get your hands dirty. Everyone has a secret (as you clearly know), so simply find hers and exploit it for a public endorsement. If Oprah tells women that it wasn’t your fault, even the wife that you abandoned and forced to live in a $69/night motel will forgive you. Plus, if you write a book – which is also a great move – you can extort her into putting the Oprah Seal of Housewife Approval on it.

12. Form a Support Group with Bill Clinton for Guys Who Cheated on their Wives with Chubby Brunette Interns

At this point in time it's all about who you align yourself with, and nobody is more popular than Bill Clinton. He successfully made the American public feel sorry for him after he cheated on his wife, simply because he explained to the media what a raving b**** she was. Hell, some people didn’t vote for her in the Democratic Primary because of the awful way she forced poor Bill to cheat on her. This man is a legend, and you could learn a lot from him.