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The 10 Baddest One-Eyed Bastards

by DannyGallagher   January 07, 2011 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 4,366

They say that in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king. That may be true, but these badasses spent their time in the land of the 20/20 dumbasses and still managed to kick more butt than a three-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Source: STAFF/AFP/Getty Images

By Danny Gallagher


10. Rooster Cogburn

The hero of Charles Portis’ gritty novel about a cranky old U.S. Marshal who teams up with a headstrong girl to kill the man who killed her father might sound like the makings of a quirky buddy cop movie set in the old West. Think of it as Cop and a Half meets High Noon (High Noon and a Half?).

One look at the gruff hero of this dark western epic and you’ll realize that this ain’t no Kindergarten Cop. The one-eyed U.S. Marshal who lost his peeper in the Civil War is the Old West’s answer to Harry Callahan with 20-0 vision. He’s a straight shooter when he talks whether it’s through a wave of angry spittle or a cloud of gun powder smoke from his sidearm. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s a crack shot, even when he’s deeper in the bag than a loaf of bread in a trainee bagger’s supermarket checkout line.


9. Nick Fury

Source: Marvel

Losing an eye might be the most painful feeling an human being can endure, but it’s also one of the few injuries that can actually help you improve your look, until medicine develops a bomber jacket style body cast for people with spine injuries.

This long time agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. lost half of his vision thanks to a piece of shrapnel in the heat of combat. He didn’t lose the eye but the 95 percent vision loss gave him the perfect excuse to put an eyepatch over it. Since then, he’s become a hardened covert warrior running dangerous missions for the CIA and the organization he helped recruit through Tony “Iron Man” Stark. He chomps on cigars every time he has a chance to breathe and rarely has a moment where he doesn’t have a gun clutched in his callous hands. He’s like your creepy uncle who never seemed the same since he got back from Vietnam, only his stories won’t keep you up at night.

8. Colonel Saul Tigh

Source: Syfy

Losing an eye in the heat of battle or a broken bottle bar fight with a pregnant stripper is one thing, but letting someone knock it out takes real guts.

This executive officer lead a resistance movement against the Cylons on New Caprica. When the Cylons capture him and take him prisoner, he is tortured for information including having his right eye ripped out by the roots. Having one less eye to gawk at boobies with, however, only toughened his resolve and he helped see through his revolution.

7. Snake Plissken

Source: AVCO Embassy Pictures

Snake is the archetypal soldier you don’t want to be on the opposite team of during a major conflict. He looks exactly like the kind of world-weary fighter who eats bullets for breakfast just so he can fart them at his enemies for that afternoon’s skirmish.

He’s also an equally hardened criminal with equally huge crimes. He starts his life sentence at the beginning of Escape from New York for having the balls to knock over the U.S. Federal Reserve and just about everything he does to get his life back could make a three-eyed man cry. I’m also sure some other fluids would be involved, but let’s not go there.

6. Turanga Leela

Source: 20th Century Fox Television

Futurama’s bawdy one-eyed babe never had a second eye to lose in a freak yachting accident, but if even if she wasn’t a slightly deformed mutant, she would be just as big of a badass any of these other one-eyed monsters.

She’s the captain of a cargo delivery ship, but her route through the various dangerous corners of time and space make the Pony Express’ job look like a paper route. And even though she’s a female, she can brawl just as bad as the big boys. It’s a wonder why she has such a hard time finding a steady boyfriend. Doesn't every guy’s dream girl have the ability to step on a guy’s face without ruining her makeup?

 

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