How to Make Turducken
Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for the liberty you’ve been afforded by your forbearers to stuff your starving face with more food than should be legal. It is a time to watch football until your eyes bleed from overexposure to bone-crushing awesomeness. Turducken is the perfect feast for this time of year – it’s a chicken in a duck in a turkey. How can you go wrong? So warm up your gullet, and learn how to make yourself some Turducken.
Things you Need
17 lb. turkey
7 lb. duck
3 lb. chicken
Hell of a lot of stuffing
Spices of your choosing
1. Make the Stuffing
You can use whatever recipe your great-great-grandma handed down to you from the motherland. If it doesn’t already have sausage in it, though, I strongly recommend you add it making this dish a solid (at minimum) 4-meat beast.
2. De-Bone the Birds
This could take a while. Leave the legs and wings on the turkey, but take the bones out of the other birds by slicing off the wings, pulling the wishbone out (it’s by the neck) and pulling the ribcage out by slitting its spine open and cutting the shoulder joints free. You should be covered in viscera and testosterone at this point.
3. Cram Things Inside
Rub spices and stuffing all over everything. If you’re feeling frisky, maybe throw in a firework or two just to see what happens (don’t do this). Lay the turkey, flayed, out flat. Coat the inside of the turkey. Lay the duck, flayed, on the turkey, then coat the inside of the duck. Lay the chicken, flayed, on the duck and coat the inside of that with spices and stuffing. Some solid spices to us are traditional salt, pepper, creole or Cajun spices. That’s a spicy meatball Frankenmeat!
4. Tag and Bag
To make sure you trap all the deliciousness inside your creation, you’re going to use some cooking-safe string to tie it up. Fold the big animal sandwich before you in on itself and bind it at the top. It should now look like a delicious, monstrous football. Then, if there are any holes remaining where sweet, sweet, savory juices may leak out, cram them full of cheesecloth. No juicy morsel shall escape the prison of the Pampered Chef. Then, place the entire, bound bird(s) into a cooking-safe steam bag.
5. Into the Oven!
Preheat that mutha to about 270 degrees. Use a meat thermometer to monitor the meat temperature and be sure the plunge it deep into the heart of the Turducken. Nothing is worse then biting into a three-meat delight to find chilled salmonella in the center.
6. Serve it Up
You take it out of the oven, and before you is a de-boned (hopefully) 25 pound loaf of meat. You don’t have to worry too much about cutting it in a traditional fashion, as there is very little that is traditional about Turducken. Instead, you can just cut it like a loaf of bread giving each of your lucky guests a little taste of each bird and all the gooey goodness in between. Then eat as much as you can.
Exotic Variants of Turducken
1. Turbaconducken is a duck stuffed in a chicken stuffed in a turkey and wrapped in pepper bacon.
2. Ostraturbaconducken is the next "logical"step after the Turbaconducken. It’s the Turbaconducken stuffed in an ostrich because, really, when you’ve come this far why stop? In fact, a royal feast in 19th century France went ahead and made what translates from the French Rôti sans pareil as “roast without equal.” There were 17 birds in total.
3. Though its name implies the love that dare not bark its name, the Turfucken is actually a Turducken in shape, but tofu in taste. If one does not care to slay a helpless turkey, one can substitute the regal bird for morally sound Tofurky.