The Top Seven Artists About To Expire

April 17, 2009

Artists come and go, but it’s truly hard to tell who is gonna stick around and who will actually stand the test of time. There are so many big acts out there that think they’re going to stay on top forever, but we’re here to burst that big ole blubbery bubble with a very sharp spike.

7. Lady Gaga

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Source: Chris Gordon/Getty Images

Any person that feeds off of attention as bad as Gaga does will eventually spiral out of control and cease to be significant in the music game.

Even though Gaga is on top of the charts as we speak, the growing hatred for her online and elsewhere is a force not to be ignored. Even if you like her music, you can’t deny that everything she does is a tad over-the-top and all for the love of attention. Gaga is also not as talented as her fans make her out to be. I understand this pop art revival, but these cheesy white chicks really need to stop trying to be Grace Jones. My crystal ball is showing me that Gaga (a.k.a. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta) will lose it all by the end of the year. And for a 23-year-old chick, mama looks like she’s 45. That just won’t cut it in the pop world.

6. Madonna

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With ridiculous ticket prices to her overrated live shows and underwhelming album releases, Madonna’s expiration date is pretty much past due.

As I've said many times before, this over-the-hill attention whore needs to stop trying to be controversial and realize that her time is done. Madonna needs to understand that she is no longer relevant and that the world is officially immune to her childish mind games. She’s like an aging magician who is all out of tricks and tries to disguise old illusions as if they were brand new. Madonna needs to step down from her pop star horse and realize that she’s a 50-year-old woman still trying to act like she’s 21. Mark my words: Madonna is finished.

5. Miley Cyrus

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With dumbass comments about not being able to meet Radiohead at the Grammys and having the most annoying personality in popular music, it’s only a matter of time before Miley Cyrus is finally ignored by her Disney followers and gets thrown into the "where are they now" pile.

First off, I am so damn tired of hearing people say that this girl has talent. She’s a karaoke singer at best. There is nothing about Miley that makes her unique as an artist. She’s f***ing white bread. I would rather listen to Anne Murray and play bridge than listen to Miley sing over another soulless putrid pop disaster. She also kinda has a man voice...that will no doubt deepen over time.

The Miley invasion must be stopped!

4. Akon

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I can’t take anymore of this no-talent assclown. Every single song Akon puts out sounds exactly the same. It’s just him tellin’ some chick that he loves her through a repetitive chorus and lyrics that sound like they were written by my 8-year-old sister. (I guarantee he writes all of his lyrics in crayon, btw.)

After a few years of unbearable club songs and amateur pop productions, Akon’s time in the sun has to be nearing its end. Akon is a one-trick pony. Period. This will easily be his demise. The musical stars tell me that Akon will be soon dying a slow death on the charts because his fans will finally grow a brain and listen to real musicians that can actually play instruments and compose legitimate music.

I don’t care how many collaborations this guy does. It won’t save him from the inevitable.

3. 50 Cent

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50 will be an entrepreneur for the rest of his life and will probably have unlimited success in the field. His musical relevance on the other hand, is a completely different story.

Fiddy has sold his soul many times over and he has recently been getting what he really deserves with weak record sales and a depleted following. This mostly has to do with his bland cookie-cutter material and fake hip-hop beefs. Does this dude really still think that he can get away with rapping about the streets and death when he lives in a multi-million dollar home in Connecticut? I can’t wait till he attempts to cry wolf one last time and we all look away as he gets eaten from head to toe. 50’s countdown begins…

2. Britney Spears

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In the past year, we have all been witnessing the second coming of Ms. Britney Spears. Mama sobered up, got back into shape and hit the road for the larger-than-life Circus tour. This is the main reason why she will break down in the very near future and give up on music altogether.

Like any addict, you can only hold back your true appetites for a very short amount of time. Even if she rants about hating drugs, we all know she will eventually crack, shave her head again, and flash her unattractive vagina just like it was yesterday. I don’t think people realize how much effort it has taken for her to get back into the swing of things. Although I truly believe that she no longer enjoys performing and is bored with being pop star. See you in rehab, honey.

1. Chris Brown

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I know this is a no-brainer, but Chris has yet to release any new material after the Rihanna incident and after he does this and it bombs, that will be the actual point where Chris’s career is officially finished.

The funny thing about Mr. Brown and his "people" is the fact that they think they can still save his career and turn him back into the clean-cut act he once was with no problems at all. I got two words for these idiots: Bobby Brown. After all the smoke is cleared from the court case crap and jail talk, Chris will eventually try to release new material to his initial die-hard fanbase and will hopefully get pwned by the lack of support. The idea that this douche even thinks he can make a comeback proves how much of and scumbag he really is.

What artists do you think are reaching the end of their musical stardom?  Leave your picks in the comments!

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