There are a lot of books out there that claim to be able to improve your life, give you the secrets happiness, or make you a better person. Some even promise to make you rich. But there's one guy whose words have rung truer to us than any other, and that's this year's Guycon, Vince Vaughn.
Over the years he's given us a lot to think about. From our love lives to our work day, we've found invaluable advice in the words uttered by the various characters he's portrayed.
This is what we like to call the Tao of Vaughn.
YOUR PROFESSIONAL LIFE
Whether you're in the service industry or a high-ranking Wall Street executive, the Tao of Vaughn can help you in every aspect except (maybe) cheating on your taxes. Not that we would ever suggest you cheat on your taxes.
ON PROFIT MOTIVE:
"Well, if you can't raise fifty-thousand dollars with an impromptu carwash, I guess it just wasn't in the cards." - as Peter La Fleur in "Dodgeball"
ON BUSINESS ETHICS:
"Everybody steals from everybody, that's Hollywood." - as Trent in "Swingers"
ON UPPING THE ANTE IN NEGOTIATIONS
"You wanna dance, Burgundy?" [pulls out a knife] "I wanna POLKA!" - as Wes Mantooth in "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"
ON YELP REVIEWS:
"I'm the asshole is this place, right? I'm the asshole? I'm outta here! I'm not eating here... I wouldn't eat here... I'd never eat here anyway!" - as Trent in "Swingers"
ON TEMPERING YOUR EXPECTATIONS:
"I found that if you have a goal, that you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya, it feels phenomenal!" - as Peter La Fleur in "Dodgeball"
YOUR ROMANTIC ENDEAVORS
Finding love ain't easy, and it can lead to a lot of stress and disappointment. But don't worry: your boy Vince will steer you onto the right path.
"All right, let me be the first to say congratulations to you, then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank. Way to work it through." - as Beanie in "Old School"
"There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you're money and that you want to party." - as Trent in "Swingers"
ON ACKNOWLEDGING THE PAST BUT BEING WILLING TO MOVE ON:
"Ya know, I believe it was our buddy Bill Shakespeare who said, To err is human, but to forgive, well that's right on." - as Reese Feldman in "Starsky & Hutch"
ON HAVING A BACK-UP PLAN:
"Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife." - as Beanie in "Old School"
Most of us believe in something, whether it's a great being up in the sky or a bunch of them hanging out in the mountain like they're on a retreat or something (what's up with that anyway, Greek Gods?). Here's Vince on whether or not there's more to life than just…well, life.
ON THE SINGULAR HUMAN ORGANISM:
"Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria? ... That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What's Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We're all one. " - as Jeremy Grey in "The Wedding Crashers"
ON BELIEVING IN YOURSELF:
You're so money and you don't even know it. - as Trent in "Swingers"
ON LIVING LIFE TO ITS FULLEST:
"Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second-degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years." - as Beanie in "Old School"
Leaving childhood behind is a scary thing, which is why most of us never bother doing it. They're not action figures on my bedpost, they're statues. It's art. Anyway, listen, becoming an adult is hard work, but through the years Vince was there to make it all easier.
ON (NOT?) BELIEVING IN SANTA CLAUS:
"I don't hate you, Nick. I just wish you'd never been born." - as Fred Claus in "Fred Claus"
ON THE SKIN-DEEPNESS OF BEAUTY:
"Nice ass won't get you through your whole life. Once you turn thirty you better have a personality." - as Raji in "Be Cool"
ON THINGS NOT BEING THE WAY THEY USED TO BE:
"Wait, you want to make the cheerleading squad to prove to a girl that you are not a loser? Oh, nothing, just High School's changed a little since I was a kid." - as Peter La Fleur in "Dodgeball"
ON COMING OF AGE:
"Our baby's all grown up. " - as Trent in "Swingers"
There you have it: the Tao of Vince providing the path to a more fulfilling life experience. A path that leads right to Guys Choice
, premiering Wednesday June 12th at 9/8c on Spike.