The 10 Things Your Mom Told You That are Complete Horses***
5. “All that sugar is making you hyperactive.”
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Wow, Mom, seriously, you could not be more wrong about this if you ended that statement by saying “...and the Earth is being held in place by a giant stick and if we make God angry, he’ll start licking it.”
A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine examined the behavior of children who had been given high amounts of sugar and compared it with those who didn’t (a.k.a. the control group that was probably being punished for something). The study found no noticeable difference in either group of children, except that one was probably crying because the other got to eat all the Pudding Pops they wanted. In fact, the belief that sugar breeds hyperactivity is just that: a figment of parents’ fevered imagination. Or is it really just the sugar that’s making them think that?
4. “It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.”
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You have to go easy on the Moms out there on this one. It just breaks their poor hearts to see their children unhappy or even mildly perturbed and getting them to “turn that frown upside down” is just their way of helping them sleep at night. That being said, those who actually use the above phrase to get people to smile should be beaten with something heavy in their sleep.
Other than the fact that it’s the most annoying thing anyone can hear regardless of the mood they’re in, it’s also happens to be completely false. Syndicated columnist Cecil Adams actually sat down with a high-ranking plastic surgeon and counted the muscles that are used in each facial expression and found that smiling uses 12 muscles and frowning only uses 11. The surgeon noted, however, that smiling is physically easier since people do it more. He obviously doesn’t work on a lot of Internet comedy writers’ long and pasty faces.
3. “Don’t sit so close to the TV. It’s bad for your eyes.”
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Kids spend a lot of time in front of the television. It’s practically their friend. Mine wanted to be called Herman and he liked soap operas.
Kids don’t want to miss a minute of their favorite afternoon or Saturday morning cartoons, which is why they like to sit in front of the TV with their noses about three centimeters away from the screen. But don’t worry, Mom. Sitting that close to the set won’t damage their pretty little eyes. The American Academy of Ophthalmology found that children have a better ability to focus their eyes up close compared to adults, which explains why they sit so close to the set but it doesn’t have any long term affect on their sight down the road. But depending on how much they watch, their ass fat is another story.
2. “Did you just swallow that gum? You know it’ll be there for the next seven years.”
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It’s hard to know exactly how this myth got started and if you really want to know, you’re either a really sick individual who needs to have his whereabouts monitored by professional law enforcement at all times or a gastroenterologist.
Luckily, a gastroenterologist with the Mayo Clinic (who’s probably an upstanding and decent member of society with a high priced lawyer on retainer) put this myth to rest once and for all. He said that while the digestive tract doesn’t exactly break down ABC gum after it’s been swallowed, it does complete the journey the way any other normal piece of food would. He doesn’t say if you swallow enough gum if you can blow a bubble with your butt, so don’t ask.
1. “If you keep doing that, you’ll go blind.”
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Once again, science helps us live better lives, even for the people who don’t have one.
The College of Optometrists in London categorically denied the claimed link between going blind and boners in more clinical terms. They said the only possible link between the two is zinc, the loss of which can cause visual impairment and a large amount of which is found in semen but not nearly enough to cause blindness. And even if your mother doesn’t buy the scientific proof, you’re reading this with your own eyes that obviously work, unless you have a Braille computer or have already rushed off the page after learning the good news to look at porn.