Top 10 Darkest Educational Video Games of All Time

by DannyGallagher   August 11, 2011 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 50,370

5. Agent USA

Source: Scholastic

Every kid should have a basic understanding of geography, especially if it's the country that they inhabit. But games that try to teach kids concepts using a global viral holocaust aren't as effective as you might think.

This very early computer title puts you in the shoes of another detective who must defeat a giant evil television set called the "Fuzzbomb" that turns ordinary humans into walking, soulless balls of static with nothing but his evil touch. The agent must travel the country eradicating the virus armed with nothing more than some magic crystals and a basic understanding of the 48 contiguous states, which not only sets a weird Invasion of the Body Snatchers tone to the game but also gives Hawaii and Alaska one more great big "screw you" by not mentioning them.

 

4. The Typing of the Dead

Source: Sega

Just about any of the "Of the Dead" games aren't geared to be directly for children, but given the fact that this is technically a typing tutor, it's hard to see adults gearing up for a long night of zombie killing and improving their skills for their resume.

 

 

 

 

This typing version of the long-running zombie-killing series has you racing to type long phrases before the teeth of the undead sink into your warm flesh. It's basically a remake of the second game but with "words per minute" instead of "bullets per brains." It could have been a lot sweeter if the big final boss you had to fight was a pus-dripping, flesh-craving mutation of Mavis Beacon.

 

3. Captain Novolin

Source: Raya Systems

There are very few things in this world that can't somehow be brought together. Diabetes and platform shooters isn't one of them.

 

 

 

 

This SNES title gives you control of the title character who must save the mayor from a group of mutated junk food while maintaining his diabetes so he doesn't go into shock. So not only are you blasting away fat cells and evil ice cream cones, but you also have to monitor your own blood sugar levels or risk certain death. The game even opens with a warning screen that players shouldn't try to mimic the character's actions because upping your insulin dosage won't give you super powers, unless you consider a loss of bowel control and having an irregular heartbeat "super."

 

2. Adventures in Sex City

Sex education is one of those topics that has suffered some serious lagging in our educational system and we have the high STD and teen pregnancy rates to prove it. Other countries like England don't seem to be suffering as much because games like this one will turn you into a celibate monk.

The Middlesex-London Health Unit tried to teach their young ones about the ways of the horizontal limbo with this web game by turning it into a comic book adventure where they can play as characters like (and I'm quoting) "Princess Vagina" and "Captain Condom" who must defeat the evil "Sperminator" with their vast knowledge of sexual practices and statistical analysis. As Dr. Sigmund Freud once said, "Sometimes a giant mutant human with willies for arms is just a giant mutant human with willies for arms."

 

1. Barney's Hide & Seek Game

Source: Sega

Everyone in a 100-mile radius of children and a conscious memory remembers the giant purple dinosaur that almost drove humanity into a pop culture coma. His game would have accomplished his evil goal if it had sold better.

You control the giant purple menace as he hunts for small children who are hiding and cowering in fear for their very existence, or at least that's what it feels like since every corner of this super cheery Sega Genesis feels like a creation of a very ironic Tim Burton production. At one point, he actually picks up and hugs cute animals that literally look like they're in fear of their already short lives. It's the only video game in existence that could actually be less disturbing with the addition of bloody pixels and high caliber weapons.

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