Nine Ways To Make Americans Care About the NHL

September 23, 2009

There's almost nothing Americans enjoy more than a quiet evening at home refusing to watch the NHL. Whether it's the non-stop action, complex multi-colored lines or confusing whistles, American sports fans just don't seem to enjoy Canada's pastime. But that's all about to change with nine rule changes that cater to a discerning USA audience

9. More Player Arrests –  There’s nothing more endearing to the American sports fan than a convicted felon with a humorous touchdown dance! The NFL is the most popular league in the world thanks to a roster card that doubles as a police line-up in the offseason. NHL players need to cut this community service and two-parent family crap already. The last thing this country wants to see is a grateful, hard-working athlete that doesn’t think he’s above the law. Chicago Blackhawks’ star Patrick Kane got off to a great start this summer by beating up a defenseless 62-year-old cab driver for 20 cents, but other players need to step up and follow suit.

8. Stop Drafting So Many Russians – The Cold War may be over, but that doesn’t mean Americans are going to get excited over fan appreciation day with a Siberian war defector and his nine-toed Russian girlfriend that he smuggled into the country.

7. Pick on the Fat Girl
– Teenage cheerleaders have been using this technique to get popular for decades.

6.  Have Some 3:00 a.m. Games
– There’s already tons of other sports to watch during Saturday night hockey, yet meth addicts and college kids have nothing to do after Late Night With Jimmy Fallon ends. Just kidding, nobody actually watches that show. But why not take advantage of a programming slot that nobody else is using? Plus it’s about time somebody knocks Ron Popeil off his high horse.

5. Celebrity Girlfriends – NHL players need to stop marrying their well-educated high school sweethearts and start nailing half-retarded actresses that use them for publicity. Sure, Jessica Simpson has effectively ruined Tony Romo’s career, but when was the last time Alex Ovechkin ended up on the “Stars Are Just Like Us” page of Us Weekly?

4. Allow Guns in the Hockey Fights – Americans are all about the right to bear arms, so why would that not extend to the ice? Not only is it patriotic, but think about how many people love a good crime scene. Besides, how many young boys growing up in Saskatchewan say “I’d give my life to play in the NHL?” Well – here’s your chance kid. Time to put your money where your exposed arteries are.

3. Change Games to Only One Period – For a sport nobody’s watching, three periods is a tad ambitious. Let’s start out with one quality frame that the ADD capital of the world can watch right before an episode of Lost and then move forward from there.

2. Make the Ice Blue – Blue field turf turned Boise State Football from a mid-major program into a household name, so it’s not unreasonable to think that blue ice can turn the NHL from a mid-major sport into a nationally respected game.

1. Fire Gary Bettman – Sure, Bettman’s cameo on the show Little People, Big World was adorable, and the current government bailout plan suggests Americans love throwing their support at people who have run companies into the ground… but come on! At least America got rid of George Bush after eight excruciating years. Bettman, on the other hand, is entering his 16th season as the commissioner. How is this happening? He’s like the Fidel Castro of hockey.

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