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Jail: Las Vegas

The Top 10 Games That Just Rub It In

by Theta1138   December 07, 2010 at 10:00AM  |  Views: 948


5. Quake



Photo: ID Software

There were so, so many ways to die in Quake.  Nails to the face, a shambler landing on you from out of nowhere, being sniped by a camper...ahhh, the glory days of blowing things up on a Pentium.

Since there were so many ways to die, somebody at id Software decided you needed a custom message for each death.  Generally, these were just along the lines of “You've been shot”, or “You were killed by...”  But sometimes they got really creative, our personal favorite being when you fell in a slime pit:

“You cannot subsist on slime alone.”

Or if you cooked a grenade just a little too long:
“Player 1 Tries to Put the Pin Back In”.

Well, if you can eat the stuff, what are we doing running around looking for medkits?

4. The Lost Vikings




Photo: Blizzard Entertainment

Back before Blizzard discovered that they could mint money with MMOs, they made a game called The Lost Vikings.  Featuring Erik the Swift, Baelog the Fierce and Olaf the Stout, you had to make them work together in order to solve puzzles and escape from salad-themed aliens.

It was, as you may have gathered, mildly silly. You had infinite retries to finish the sometimes brain-breaking puzzles, but that didn't mean Blizzard was going to let it slide with no comment.  The Vikings would chew you out every time you screwed up, complete with late-'90s voice sampling technology.  And if you screwed up enough times, no less than the god of thunder himself, Thor, would show up to mock you.

Yes, this is a game where, if you made enough mistakes, the gods themselves told you that you sucked.

3. Unreal Tournament



Photo: GT Interactive

Although Quake really introduced the idea, it was Epic and their Unreal franchise that really introduced the idea of running around and shooting your friends in the face, instead of running around shooting a primitive AI in the face.

The problem is, of course, that you can't feature the same message over and over again, so they decided to have a little fun.  Hence, messages like "Player 1 cornered Player 2 in a foggy London alley" or “Player 1 rode Player 2's rocket to oblivion.”
In UT 2004, they included suicide messages like “You tested out your landmine.  It works!” and “Silly player, grenades are for enemies!”


2 Warhawk




Photo: Sony Computer Entertainment

Warhawk
was a somewhat futuristic flight-sim for the PS1 that was fun, but nothing special.  One thing that was special, however, was your death.  Depending on the level you died in, the game offered you a detailed explanation of what happened next.  For example, one mission would describe how you slowly burn to death in the wreckage of your car.  Upbeat stuff like that.

Although the final level does at least have a somewhat good ending: yeah, you die horribly, but you were such a screw up that the main villain laughed himself right into an early grave.  So at least you killed the bad guy!

1. Demolition Man




Photo: Acclaim

We've had everybody from game programmers to Norse gods weighing in on how terrible you are, but Demolition Man takes it up a notch.  It's not just the game telling you that you suck.  It's Sylvester Stallone himself.

You see, the 3DO version of Demolition Man was made during the era that everybody believed that Hollywood and video games were going to merge into one FMV spewing industry.  So Stallone took the time to record a bunch of videos critiquing your performance as a gamer and your manliness as a human being (both lacking).

But there's one consistent item to all these videos: they end with Stallone telling you “You suck.”
Just the ego boosts America's kids needed!  Good thing none of them owned a 3DO!




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