Everyone remembers getting ready for Halloween and the sheer joy it brought them as a child. You’d strap in your fiercest vampire teeth, suit up in your intimidating plastic Optimus Prime outfit, and head out into the night for your annual right of childhood: free candy. Unfortunately, these treats could make even the fattest sweet tooth wish they rotted their teeth out with chocolate Easter eggs.
Source: KAREN BLEIER/AFP/Getty Images
By Danny Gallagher
Fruit-flavored candy should taste just what the name implies. The same shouldn’t go for “fruit-flavored chalk.”
This ridiculous stepdaughter of the SweeTart shows up in trick-or-treat bags every year because they are colorful, assumingly sweet, and (most importantly) dirt cheap. Eating them is a whole other story. They taste like bland imitators of hard rock candy with an aftertaste that’s chalkier than a calculus teacher’s eraser. They are also a low in food packaging ergonomics. These small tarts of bland joylessness are packaged in the world’s flimsiest cellophane, so when you open them, they roll and scurry into the nearest crevasse with cockroaches, only much tastier. (Don’t ask me how I know that. Long story short is I need bus fare.)
9. Fun Dip
Source: The Willy Wonka Candy Company
Powdered candies are probably the laziest way of manufacturing a sugary confection on a mass scale. Some companies spend hours and millions crafting perfect gelatin molds to give their candy shape, style, and substance while these guys just take a handful of sugar and throw it in a bag for little kids to consume at will.
Of course, this familiar staple of little league concession stands isn’t just a bag of colored sugar. It’s actually three bags of colored sugar that all taste exactly the same that you eat by dipping a large sugar stick into it that you end up just eating before you’re done because the resulting mess makes you look like you were “antiqued” by a demented clown.
8. Monster Candy
These white sugar sticks might seem like the perfect kind of candy to hand out to the little ones as they go door to door dressed in their scariest outfits. Unfortunately, the only good part of this candy is the colorful and spooky packaging (I’m referring to both design and taste). Inside these vampire- and mummy-themed cardboard boxes of doom are practically inedible sticks of white sugar that couldn’t have less to do with their Halloween-themed packaging if they were only sold during Hanuukah.
7. Atomic Warheads
Source: Impact Confections, Inc.
Sour candies offer their own kind of unique fun, daring your friends to stuff more and more of the saliva stoppers in their mouths until their skulls cave in or their tongue jumps out and flops away like a wet tissue in the wind. These pus puckers, however, seem to only be for people who don’t want teeth or tastebuds for the rest of their life.
Unlike other sour candies that eventually die off and give you a sweet aftertaste or a wad of gum to munch on, this hard candy has a ridiculously unpleasant sour taste that only seeks to harm. And while “manning up” candy can be a good thing, if you’re going to dare a friend to endure this level of torture, making him lick a degreased engine part is not only more effective by also more likely to improve your Facebook page hit counter.
6. Now and Laters
Source: Farley's & Sathers
These presumably fruit treats look like your average chewy candy, until you pop one in your mouth and bite down so hard that it knocks out one of your back molars and handily replaces it like some amazing Technicolor row of shark’s teeth. Not only are Now and Laters unpleasant to chew, but they won’t leave without a huge brouhaha. They actually fight the mastication process (that’s chewing, sickos) by clinging to every available surface on your teeth, making them the bitter ex-girlfriend of the confectionary industry.