Russian Raccoon Rape Turns Rowdy
Alaxander Kirilov got wasted with his buddies (like ya do in Russia). And, because Russia is basically just one gigantic, Eurasian ghost town, he decided when he saw a raccoon wander into their social circle that he’d, “have a little fun.” Anybody that’s ever had sex with a raccoon can tell you what happened next. If you don’t know anybody that has, though, I’ll tell you: the raccoon bit off his dong.
No means no, man. Even when spoken in raccoon. After the incident, he was alive (but certainly not well), and his friends rushed him to the hospital. Also, given that his erect penis was suddenly severed and his blood had been thinned with alcohol, this dude must've been, to quote James Bond, a "bloody mess."
Russian plastic surgeons said they’d be able to get everything working again, but the lost inch-age was, well, lost. Here’s hoping that this dude is blessed with the curse of Rasputin, for his own sake.
Image Source: Harold Pfeiffer/Riser/Getty Images