It's Never Too Early to Start Smoking 40 Cigarettes a Day

May 28, 2010

Move over Mozart. Get out of the way, Tiger. Take a back seat, foreign kid who won the National Spelling Bee last year. The world has a new prodigy to worship.

Meet Ardi Rizal.

He’s two years old, 20 pounds overweight, and already smoking at a ninth grade level. 

'He's totally addicted. If he doesn't get cigarettes, he gets angry and screams and batters his head against the wall. He tells me he feels dizzy and sick,” his mother said shortly after collecting her parent of the year award.

The adorable toddler is putting away up to 40 cigarettes a day and winning over the hearts of local doctors and freak show directors one puff at a time.

Sadly, however, there is a downside to his habit.

Since little Ardi has become too fat/unhealthy to walk, he is forced to get around his small Indonesian village on a toy truck (with no ashtray) and routinely refuses to play with other children because their lifestyles just don’t match.

Essentially, he’s already blown through adolescence, skipped his adult years, and already become a surly old man who collects grocery store coupons and makes untimely ethnic slurs.

Well done, Ardi.

Ardilles Rant/Bancroft Media