The Top 10 Unrated Commandments for Guys
Handed down from on high, there is a formerly unwritten (but now totally written) code of Commandments by which all guys are judged. There are actually 14 of them, but we’ve cut out the unimportant bits because it’s easier for you, and 10 is nice round number.
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10. Know your sports teams and keep Sunday holy for them.
Sunday is a day of rest, relaxation, and reverence for bone-crunching, action-packed, modern-day gladiatorial combat. Church is optional (we'd rather drink blood than wine posing as blood). It is advisable to take in the sacrament – to eat of the body of Little Caesars and to drink the blood of Pabst Blue Ribbon until you, too, are ready to get critically injured on the 50 yard line.
9. Thou shall know what thou art doing.
Instruction manuals and road maps are for frail men, namby-pambies, and the f****** French. Stopping at gas stations or “consulting a professional” is an affront to the Commandments, to yourself, and to your bros. Don't do it. Our satchels cringe at the thought.
8. Thou shall not make wrongful use of crying.
Leave crying to your child-bearing mate. Or save it for particularly forceful pepper sprayings or the untimely passing of loyal canines. Unacceptable instances include weddings, funerals, child births, non-critical injuries, critical injuries, or any cinematic experience whatsoever.
7. Thou shall know thy apartment and keep it holy.
Guys have a different set of standards about cleanliness. Embrace them. Unless you wore a t-shirt while searing bloody animal flesh, building a bar onto your garage, or crash landing a single-prop airplane, hanging it in the window is just as good as washing it. Dishes (if you have something other than paper plates) are to be done when you have not a single clean dish left. This means you might eat Easy Mac out of a big coffee mug. Delicious.
6. Thou shall know thy man-skills.
True men have the wisdom to change a tire, give a woman our seed, and grill a steak. The best of us accomplish at least two of these simultaneously.