Handed down from on high, there is a formerly unwritten (but now totally written) code of Commandments by which all guys are judged. There are actually 14 of them, but we’ve cut out the unimportant bits because it’s easier for you, and 10 is nice round number.
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10. Know your sports teams and keep Sunday holy for them.
Sunday is a day of rest, relaxation, and reverence for bone-crunching, action-packed, modern-day gladiatorial combat. Church is optional (we'd rather drink blood than wine posing as blood). It is advisable to take in the sacrament – to eat of the body of Little Caesars and to drink the blood of Pabst Blue Ribbon until you, too, are ready to get critically injured on the 50 yard line.
9. Thou shall know what thou art doing.
Instruction manuals and road maps are for frail men, namby-pambies, and the f****** French. Stopping at gas stations or “consulting a professional” is an affront to the Commandments, to yourself, and to your bros. Don't do it. Our satchels cringe at the thought.
8. Thou shall not make wrongful use of crying.
Leave crying to your child-bearing mate. Or save it for particularly forceful pepper sprayings or the untimely passing of loyal canines. Unacceptable instances include weddings, funerals, child births, non-critical injuries, critical injuries, or any cinematic experience whatsoever.
7. Thou shall know thy apartment and keep it holy.
Guys have a different set of standards about cleanliness. Embrace them. Unless you wore a t-shirt while searing bloody animal flesh, building a bar onto your garage, or crash landing a single-prop airplane, hanging it in the window is just as good as washing it. Dishes (if you have something other than paper plates) are to be done when you have not a single clean dish left. This means you might eat Easy Mac out of a big coffee mug. Delicious.
6. Thou shall know thy man-skills.
True men have the wisdom to change a tire, give a woman our seed, and grill a steak. The best of us accomplish at least two of these simultaneously.
5. Thou shall not commit adultery with your bro’s lady.
Also un-kosher are his ex, his sister (unless you marry her), or anybody where specific romantic intent is declared. But, it’s probably okay if it’s not your bro that is the cuckold in question. This is an especial truth if the lady is “mega foxy” or the cuckold is a “mega tool" (or if you are just super bored and horny).
4. Thou shall not covet thy bro’s s***.
Your bro’s lady, his total gym, his #6 combo, and his limited edition, signed replica of the Blade Runner pistol are his, not yours. Stop dreaming. Dreams are for second year psych majors and the terminally ill. The only acceptable time to covet your bro’s things is when he has cold beers in the fridge. It’s well understood that he’ll be coveting yours when at your home.
3. Thou shall know when to bear false witness.
A woman thought her husband was cheating on her, and one night he didn’t come home after he’d gone out with his friends. The next morning she confronted him, and while he stood next to her, she called each of his friends to ask after him. Of the five friends called, four of them insisted that he had spent the night on their couch. The last one insisted that he was still there, sleeping. At least she didn't smell his d***.
2. Have no false hos before bros.
When in dire straights with Job-like circumstances, it is your bros who will be there for you. Hos, on the other hand, will be shopping. The fairer sex loves shopping. A notable exception to this rule is if, in the course of a “guys’ night,” a guy is afforded an opportunity to bed a ho that is at least an eight out of 10.
1. Honor thy bro.
And take not his name in vain, for he is your bro, and he is good. When the chips are down and you’re hungover, having slept three hours late, there’s only one guy that you can call to pretend to be the guy that ran into your car with a Ditch Witch even though the last time he talked to your boss he was a claims adjuster. This is your true bro.