The A - Z of Cheating

March 20, 2009

No relationship is ever perfect and cheating is pretty common. Some 22 percent of married couples have had an extra martial affair. Alfred Kinsey’s sex study showed us that 50 percent of American males have cheated on their partner. Whatever your reasons for cheating, if you’re going to do it you may as well know how to get a way with it.

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A is for Ashley Madison

If you are looking to have an affair and want to be discreet, visit This website is a dating service for people in relationships looking to have an affair with a like minded person. The site boasts 3,510,000 members ready to get adulterous. As the website states, “Life is short. Have an affair.”

B is for Break

If you are on a break from your girl and hook up with another girl, then it’s not technically cheating.

C is for Cell Phone

Never save your girl-on-the-side’s number in your cell phone. Women are nosy and will snoop through your phone to see what you are up to. Instead, save it as a friend’s work number. Also be sure to immediately delete any saucy text messages you receive from your new lady friend. Better yet, purchase a second cell phone and use it as your affair hotline. Just be sure to keep it away from the prying eyes of your partner.


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D is for Deny

If you are ever accused of cheating by your girlfriend, deny it. Use your best poker face and continue to calmly deny. Your reaction to this accusation is very important. Do not try and accuse her of cheating. Instead, recommend having a discussion about the state of your relationship (which is probably pretty bad if you are cheating). Girls love talks, and chances are, she has no concrete proof of your wanderings.

E is for Excuse

The biggest giveaway that you are cheating is not being able to explain what you are doing with your time. Stay clear of flimsy excuses. Your girl will only believe the “I had to work late” or “I have a business trip” excuse the first few times. You need to create a well thought-out excuse that is not suspicious and can be backed up if needed. It might not hurt to get someone in on it that she thinks she can trust to use as an alibi at any time.

F is for Fun

Affairs are fun and there is obviously a reason you’re having one or considering one. Maybe it’s an unsatisfactory relationship or a poor sex life. Whatever the reason, be careful. Don’t get caught up in the whirlwind of it all. Use the affair to reflect on the nature of your unsatisfactory relationship. Is it worth saving? Can it be saved? Or is it time to move on? Do not mistake sex for love.


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G is for Guilt

Even dudes with hearts of stone will feel some guilt when cheating. This, after all, is part of the excitement of having an affair. You know it’s wrong, but that’s what makes it feel so right.

H is for Hotels

You will become a familiar face at your local Holiday Inn or Motel 6. They may not be the greatest hotels in the world, but they serve their purpose and won’t burn a hole in your wallet.

I is for Indoors Only

Whatever you do, don’t flaunt your new relationship in public. That means keeping it an indoors-only, private affair. That means no kissing in public or holding hands as you walk along the beach. Only spend time with your mistress in public if you are at least 500 miles from home. The plus side is you won’t spend a fortune taking your new flame out on expensive dinner dates.


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J is for “Just Friends”

If your partner accuses you of spending too much time with a certain lady, never use the excuse “We’re just friends.” Using this term is like admitting you’re having an affair. Instead, say she is your boss, your therapist, or someone you are working with on a big deal.

K is for Keep It Discreet

If you are having an affair you must keep it completely secret. That means telling no one about it, even your best buddies. People love to gossip and talk, even your friends. They’ll tell their partners, who will tell others. In no time at all you will be exposed.

L is for Love

Never tell the woman you are having an affair with that you love her. It will only make the affair complicated and messy. Using the L word vastly increases the chances that she'll come barreling out of the bathroom at some random restaurant to make a scene while you're having dinner with your steady.


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M is for Money

Always use cash when having an affair. Credit card statements will expose your game. Be wary of changing your spending habits drastically. If your girl notices that you’ve started withdrawing larger amounts of cash or that you suddenly don't have the money to take her to dinner, she’ll start asking questions. A good idea is to open up a second bank account and sock away some cash for a rainy/adulterous day.

N is for Normal

If you are having an affair, do not change your normal habits when around your partner. Do not let the guilt you feel overcompensate your actions. You will raise suspicion if you start buying her flowers out of the blue, leaving love notes, or constantly saying, “I love you.” She might also think something is up if you're not having sex, but then that's probably why you strayed in the first place.

O is for Office

The office is an easy place to start a fling, mainly because it is convenient and there are plenty of women there that you get to know very well. The two of you can sneak off for lunch together or a quickie after hours. Just be careful if the woman you are having a dalliance with works below you. It might result in a sexual harassment lawsuit if things go bad.


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P is for Protection

If you are going to have an affair the least you can do is use protection. As if cheating isn't selfish enough, endangering your wife or girlfriend is about as low as it gets. You’re the one having the affair; your partner shouldn’t have to pay the consequences. Plus, an STD will quickly divulge your extracurricular activities.

Q is for Quit While You’re Ahead

Like Kenny Rogers’ gambler, “you’ve got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.” The odds of an affair turning into a meaningful, long-term relationship are slim. This means you need an exit strategy. You’ve had your fun, now it’s time to get out cleanly before anyone gets hurt. This is more difficult than it sounds.

R is for Receipts

Throw receipts out as soon as you are given them. That tiny slip of paper left nonchalantly in a pair of pants can be your undoing. Soon you’ll be confronted and asked to explain why you paid for a hotel room down the street. Good luck explaining that one.


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S is for Shower

Women have a great sense of smell. They are like detectives and will be able to sniff you and know you are cheating on them. Make sure you always shower thoroughly after any rendezvous with the other woman. Wash your hands, neck, and private parts like there's no tomorrow. This will ensure that her perfume and the smell of sex are washed off your body. Try not to wash your hair as we all know that no one's hair looks identical from one day to the next.

T is for Travel

Using a business trip as an excuse to spend a dirty weekend with your new lover is not a smart move. This is the oldest excuse in the book and will definitely raise suspicions.  You will be caught.

On the other hand, if you legitimately travel interstate for work and visit the same city regularly, then you have a prime opportunity to cheat and get a way with it. Think of it as having a girlfriend in two cities. Plus, it’s not really cheating if it happens in another state. Whatever you do, avoid ever having your two girlfriends in the same city.

U is for Utah

If monogamy gives you the jitters, why not move to Utah and convert to Mormonism? Then you can live the life of a polygamist. While it may technically be illegal, at least you’ll be able to have many different partners and not be stigmatized as a cheater.

V is for Virtual Sex

These days you don’t even need to leave your house to have an affair. You can do it online in the virtual world. Some people don’t believe this is technically cheating, as there is no physical contact. Try using that as an excuse and see what happens. The key to a secret online love affair is to control access to your computer. Have a different password, email address and be wary of those programs that track your movements on the World Wide Web.


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W is for Wedding Ring

If you’re married or wear a promise ring, remember to take it off when cruising for a girl on the side. Most importantly, remember to put it back on when it’s time to go home to your partner.

X is for XXX

If you feel the urge to stray from your partner, but don't think you can handle the guilt or you don't want to end the relationship, porn is a better alternative than outright cheating. Just about every woman on the planet will agree with this logic. Tell her the alternative and suddenly Jesse Jane's latest flick is welcomed in the home.

Y is for Yelling

When you get caught (and you probably will) be prepared for the yelling match to end all yelling matches.

Z is for Zealot

Girls can be nuts. No matter what happens, you are going to upset one of them. If your girl discovers your cheating ways she will pursue your downfall until the end of time. Similarly, your mistress could act crazy if you refuse to leave your girlfriend/wife for her. Remember, hell has no fury like a woman scorned. Your jilted partner will most likely act crazy, attack you, trash your belongings, bad mouth you and try to ruin your life (like the girl in the video below). It will make you ponder; was the affair really worth it?