We recently reported that Dana White had extended a public invitation for Kimbo Slice to compete on The Ultimate Fighter. He then prompted his invitation by letting everyone know that Slice had no chance of actually winning the contest, so we figured we'd highlight five former TUF winners and explain why they would beat Kimbo in a fight.
Kimbo stands virtually no chance against a guy whose game revolves around something the dude has never heard of: combinations. Slice's street fighting ways of standing toe-to-toe and throwing bombs until someone dies, simply won't fly against a guy like Bisping.
If Slice was able to land a solid blow to the chin, he might have a shot at knocking out Bisping but there's no way he'd even be able to find the Brit, let alone hit him. Bisping's footwork is almost unparalleled in the UFC. He would literally dance circles around the bigger man and probably be able to implement a fairly effective game of peek-a-boo. Bisping most likely wouldn't land the knockout punch, but he would score shot-after-unanswered shot and secure a unanimous decision.
If Serra's New Yowk accent didn't cause Kimbo to hang himself over the side of the cage, the post-fight embarrassment of getting subbed by a guy who's barely tall enough to ride the Pirate Ship at the carnival certainly would. Either way, this would go down in Serra's book as one of the easiest wins of his professional career. A few years ago, he picked up his Black Belt under someone you may have heard of named Renzo Gracie. And that's no joke.
Gracie Jiu Jitsu was originally designed by Grandpa Gracie a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. He was a tiny old man and the bullies in Brazil were always steeling his lunch money, so he developed this new brand of jiu jitsu that was designed for a small man (like grandpa or Serra) to beat up bigger guys (like Brazilian bullies or internet fighters). Ok, so maybe that story was a little dramatized but, the last part was true, which means Matt Serra specializes in beating up bigger guys.
He'd come out in a low stance and just wait for the behemoth to throw a lunging punch, then he'd shoot in for the legs and it's lights out. Slice would be sleeping and Jared Shaw would steal his gold teeth before he realized what happened.
This makes one of the more interesting of the five matchups. Slice's biggest strength is his ghetto cred, but Diaz would simply negate that. Let's be serious, who can bring the gangsta better than Nate Diaz?
Oh, did I mention he's also trained in Gracie Jiu Jitsu? He "only" has a Brown Belt, but that's good enough to beat a guy who can't even spell Jiu Jitsu. This fight would end up pretty much the same as the above.
I almost didn't pick Rashad Evans, because it's too obvious and it's not as funny that way, but this would be such a fun fight that I couldn't help myself. Later in his career, Evans is becoming more established on his feet, but it's important to remember that he was first an elite NCAA wrestler. That means, depending on how feels on a given night, he could probably drop Kimbo pretty much anyway he wanted to. I like to think that he would open the first round by doing a little dancing, then take him down and sink in a submission. But just to prove a point, he'd let him go before the tap and then lock in a different submission. I'd like to see that repeated two or three times. By now we're in the second round and Kimbo is gasping for air. He's wobbly and confused and practically begging for a KO, so Evans would drop him at about 2:43 of the second with a solid overhand right.
Amir wins this fight based on the principle that he has apparently made a deal with the Devil and he will never loose another MMA fight. The only question this prompts is: what did Amir have to give up? I can't help but think back to a story I heard on the internet one time, the source of which is unknown:
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
I think we have our answer.