Everyone knows that sinking feeling you get when you check the rear view mirror only to see those infamous red and blue flashing lights filling the view. But just because you've been pulled over doesn't mean you're guaranteed to drive away with that unwanted slip of paper in your pocket. The way you handle yourself in the next few minutes can truly make or break your day - not to mention your bank account.
Photo: Matthias Clamer/Stone/Getty Images
By Brad Iger
The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.
7. Be a Comedian
Photo: Marty Temme/Wire Image/Getty Images
Though it can be easy to forget sometimes, the fuzz are people too. And like other people, they tend to be a little less dickish if the mood of the situation is lightened a bit. So defusing the tension that comes with a confrontation between a cop and who-knows-what with some humor can actually go a long way. Here's one to try, if you have the opportunity to use it:
Bored Cop: Buddy, I've been waiting for you all day.
Speeding Driver: Well, I got here as fast as I could.
6. Lie Like a Rug
Photo: Yamada Taro/Digital Vision/Getty Images
I'm going to say right now, this one is gonna be tough to pull off. It's a good rule of thumb that if you're going to lie to the cops, use a lie that they have no way of proving wrong. It's best in these situations to either play on their sympathies:
"Officer, if I don't get to a bathroom soon my ass is going to explode!"
...or convince them that you're in some kind of emergency situation:
"My friend called me from a bar and he sounded like he was going to drive home drunk. I'm going there to pick him up before he tries to leave!"
Just remember if they catch you... you are so screwed.
5. Just the Truth
Photo: Gary S Chapman/Photographer's Choice RF/Getty Images
On the opposite side of the spectrum, and probably the more virtuous, is flat out sincerity. When the cop pulls you over and asks the obligatory "do you know why I pulled you over?" and it's painfully obvious why he did, playing dumb probably isn't going to win you any points - but being forthright and honest might.
Responding with "I think so. I lost track of my speed back there.. I've been on the road for a while, and I was probably going a little faster than I should've been" might earn you some points with a cop whose had nothing but BSers all day. Just remember that if you aren't absolutely certain why he pulled you over, there's also no incentive to giving him free violations to pin on you.
Photo: Doug Menuez/Photodisc/Getty Images
Okay, you've hit rock bottom. You are officially shameless. If you really, really don't want a ticket and can summon tears upon command, a grown man (or, ever better, a woman) balling uncontrollably at the thought of getting a ticket really has a way of disarming all but the most stern of law enforcement.
If you can add something like "I'm trying to get out of town - my wife just left me for my dad" or something to that effect, you're pretty much gold. But keep in mind you'll never be able to look anyone in the eye ever again, ya damned pansy!
3. This Thing's Busted
Photo: Elizabeth Weinberg/fStop/Getty Images
If you drive an old beater, the chances that gauges in your car accurately depict what's going on are probably slim. Use that to your advantage.
When they ask "do you know how fast you were going?" throw them a curveball and respond "Well, no. Actually, the speedometer in this piece of junk stopped working recently." Of course that may be tough to prove when you're pulled over since you're, you know, stationary. But either way it definitely improves your chances of getting a fix-it ticket instead of a moving violation.
2. Be a Hot Girl
Photo: Chris Jackson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Though I'm sure cops everywhere would swear up and down that this doesn't happen, I dare you to find me a really hot girl who has racked up a massive amount of tickets. I'll let your imagination do the work for the particular methods used in this situation.
Of course, if you're a hot girl, I'm sure you can provide some pointers - feel free to email them to me (with pics).
Truly it seems that at the end of the day, cleavage goes a long way in this world.
1. Show Some Respect
Photo: Vince Bucci/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
I can tell you from first hand experience that this method does in fact work. It's not that hard, and it is effective. The first step toward being respectful toward the police is to pull over quickly in a safe, well-lit area, and immediately turn off the car (and the radio), and roll down your window. Then place your hands on the steering wheel. Not only does this show the officer that you're taking him seriously, it also puts the cop at ease knowing you're not going to try to take off, or shoot him, or both.
When the cop is asking you questions, look him in the eye and answer the question without fear, but also without arrogance - like you're talking to anyone else. Use the term "officer" when you answer him - without a tone of contempt.
Creating a sense of mutual respect doesn't guarantee you're going to walk away ticketless, but it does help promote a willingness on the behalf of the cop to cut you a break because you're not a jerkoff.
Have you tried any of these with (or without) success? Got some suggestions of your own? Leave 'em in the comments.