Foolproof Moves for Valentine's Day

February 13, 2009

Valentine’s Day is this weekend and boys and girls across the land are alternately excited and terrified.  It’s like watching a daredevil jump through a heart-shaped hoop that’s on fire.  Sometimes it works out awesome.  Sometimes people die in fires.  But if you’re looking to land a little something of your own this Saturday, read on for our 10 foolproof moves for Valentine's Day.

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By Reverend Danger

The following article does not represent the opinions of Spike TV or its affiliates.


10. Tell Them You’re Writing an Article


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Tell them you’re writing something for a reputable publication about how to pick up girls make a woman fall in love with you, and you’d like to know what works on them.  This is the only method in this list that definitely works 68% of the time. 

9. Hide the Fact That You Read

Girls want to think that you don’t have to study to make them twitterpated. Let’s do a thought experiment.  You say “I read online that I’m to stimulate the clitoris.  What is the most convenient way, in your opinion, that I accomplish this?”  What do you predict your special lady friend will do or say next?  I predict: c*ck sock.

8. Compliment Something She Controls


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A lady’s smile is genetically inherited.  So is her eye color, hair color, height, etc.  Tell her that you like the way she wears a particular neck brace or that the smell of her antiseptic mouthwash really sets off her ensemble. This tells her you respect her for her and not for what her mother gave her.  Although, depending on how charming you are, perhaps you can have both the things she has from her mother and the mother herself. 

7.  Give Her a Nickname


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Sociology tells us that as two people become more and more familiar, they start to adopt certain traits.  They interact in particular ways including but not limited to...nicknames.  A few surefire winners include Sugartits, Schmoopsie, Lovemuffin, Butterbutt, and Terminator.  Try a few out by mumbling them under your breath and then make them increasingly obvious if she doesn’t object.

6. Spend, Like, a Ton of Money 


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Women like men that have absurdly large, bulgy, pants-stretching wallets because of science. In the article "Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend" in Psychology Today, it is explained in super-sciencey terms that a woman’s uterus is demanding that a potential suitor “possess two qualities: the ability to acquire and accumulate resources, and the willingness to invest them in her and her children.”  So, even if you can’t, present yourself as if you can.  Uteruses are notoriously easy to fool when it comes to finances.

5. Use Music: the Sweet, Sweet Language of Love


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Contrary to popular belief, blogging is not the sexiest of mediums.  Music – especially super sexy music – is the surest way to the gates of your lady’s maidenhead. This is because women don’t know what is sexy.  They are not aroused by the site of a naked women.  Instead, San Diego Sex Medicine says that "women get aroused by words and touch while men often get aroused by what they see."

4. Don’t Use Music...Watch a Movie!


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Get used to contradictions, my friend.  Women love them. While it’s true that women love words and physical affection when it comes to stoking their fires, it’s also true that being under a blanket with a girl in a dark room is like taking the carpool lane to Bonetown.

3. Be Kind of a Dick


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Here’s an interesting perspective from BNET: "'A bad boy offers something that's different,' says 31-year-old accounting manager Anese Collins.”  The most important part of this is Ms. Collins’ age and job.  How bad do you have to be to give a thrill to somebody who stares at mortgage fine print all day?  If your lady, though, is a tattoo artist that fixes her own motorcycle, move on to another tip. 

2. Do Not Groom Yourself


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Women love a dirty man.  That is a fact.  Colin Farrell, Bear Grylls, myself – we are chest hair-deep in sweet, sweet ladies from sundown to sunup.  We generally sleep during the day, though.  Don’t believe it? Ask Elle magazine: “So what's the attraction? Why do women like it dirty? For me, it basically comes down to a man looking like a man. Sure, it's a bit archaic, but I like a manly, rough and tumble guy.”

1. Surprise Her 


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It only takes about 10 minutes to learn to pull a novelty coin from behinds somebody’s ear.  Know what else you could pull from behind their ear?  An XL condom.  Surprise!  Of course, you could also surprise her by cooking for her or getting her a bouquet of her favorite cured meats.  But who hasn’t done that?