Foolproof Moves for Valentine's Day
Valentine’s Day is this weekend and boys and girls across the land are alternately excited and terrified. It’s like watching a daredevil jump through a heart-shaped hoop that’s on fire. Sometimes it works out awesome. Sometimes people die in fires. But if you’re looking to land a little something of your own this Saturday, read on for our 10 foolproof moves for Valentine's Day.
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10. Tell Them You’re Writing an Article
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Tell them you’re writing something for a reputable publication about how to pick up girls make a woman fall in love with you, and you’d like to know what works on them. This is the only method in this list that definitely works 68% of the time.
9. Hide the Fact That You Read Spike.com
Girls want to think that you don’t have to study to make them twitterpated. Let’s do a thought experiment. You say “I read online that I’m to stimulate the clitoris. What is the most convenient way, in your opinion, that I accomplish this?” What do you predict your special lady friend will do or say next? I predict: c*ck sock.
8. Compliment Something She Controls
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A lady’s smile is genetically inherited. So is her eye color, hair color, height, etc. Tell her that you like the way she wears a particular neck brace or that the smell of her antiseptic mouthwash really sets off her ensemble. This tells her you respect her for her and not for what her mother gave her. Although, depending on how charming you are, perhaps you can have both the things she has from her mother and the mother herself.
7. Give Her a Nickname
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Sociology tells us that as two people become more and more familiar, they start to adopt certain traits. They interact in particular ways including but not limited to...nicknames. A few surefire winners include Sugartits, Schmoopsie, Lovemuffin, Butterbutt, and Terminator. Try a few out by mumbling them under your breath and then make them increasingly obvious if she doesn’t object.