The Top 10 Girls to Avoid at a Halloween Party

October 20, 2009

With the exception of Ash Wednesday, is there any better holiday for getting laid than Halloween? Between the copious amounts of alcohol, a free pass on promiscuity, and girls running around with fun costumes like “Slutty Abortion Doctor” and “Naughty WNBA Player” it's pretty much the sexual deviant’s version of Christmas. So go ahead and have fun, but for the love of God do not let your night get ruined by any of these girls...

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10. Women Wearing a Costume that Involves a Mask


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Sure, we all see girls at the gym and think "Man, with a little more work on her abs and a paper bag over her head, I would totally sleep with that chick if her better looking friend turns me down," but don't let this thought process haunt you on October 31st. Halloween is a classic "Butterface" holiday, where girls with banging bodies and mediocre faces toss on a mask and fool unsuspecting young men. Don't get stuck sleeping with a burn victim or Lindsay Lohan. Try a playful line like "Hi, I'm Dave - Can you please take your mask off so I can make sure you're not ugly?"

9. Feminists in "Political" Costumes


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Nobody wants to spend 35 minutes talking to the real Hillary Clinton, let alone some third-year grad student who majors in “man-hating” wearing a Hillary Clinton mask. She’s not at the party to get drunk and make out with the first guy who promises to buy her IHOP in the morning. She’s in the corner waiting to spew out her thesis on why girls deserve the right to operate a motor vehicle or debate the merits of women’s softball. For the love of God, avoid talking to this girl. It’s going to cost you an hour of your life and at least one of your testicles.

8. Girls Whose Costumes Involve a Wedding Dress


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No well-adjusted single female owns a wedding dress, let alone wears one out in public. This costume reeks of desperation and probably won’t come off without an engagement ring or her sobbing gently after sex while screaming "this is why my Mother says I'm going to die alone." It's a little awkward, and quite frankly sort of distracting while you're trying to set your fantasy football line-up in the next room.

7. Underage Girls


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Obviously nobody wants to hang out with women that have hit the “past-their-prime” plateau of 27 years old, but romancing teenagers isn't a good idea either. The usually effective “but she was dressed like a whore” legal defense is becoming less accepted in the California Supreme Court these days and you don’t want to know what kind of costume you’re going to be wearing for Halloween to the "Leavenworth Penal Trick or Treat Bash" next year if she tells the police. 

6. Women Who Bring Their Kids to the Party


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Nothing says “how many condoms can I slip on before she notices” like having to tip the babysitter before you take a mother of three into the guest bedroom of your buddy’s party. There’s a perfectly good amount of desperate women at every soiree that don’t collect child support or have you sneak out the bedroom window because little Johnny is home early from soccer practice and wants to know why it sounds like somebody is hurting his Mommy in the tool shed.

5. Any Girl Who Enjoys Colin Farrell Movies


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Not really exclusive to Halloween, but more of a general life rule. Any girl who can sit through 90 minutes of that Irish ass clown butchering line after line isn’t worth breaking out the camcorder while you nail her from behind and then send the video to her parents and human resource director. You need a Will Ferrell fan who can appreciate the humor of having her life ruined over three-and-a-half minutes of voyeuristic fun.

4. Grown Women Dressed Like Young Girls


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Trust me, the whole “I have Daddy issues” thing can end up backfiring big time, especially with a 25-year-old female wearing pigtails and licking a lollipop at a party filled with older gentlemen who secretly regret bringing their wives.

3. Canadians


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Women from the Great White North are the kind of girls you want to bring home to your mother - not the slightly damaged ones you're willing to sleep with provided they promise not to tell your friends. Canadian girls don’t grow up with icons like Britney Spears and Condoleezza Rice teaching them to slut it up as often as possible. There’s a lot of work involved before getting a Canuck into the sack, so do yourself a favor and save that one for a regular night when half the female population isn’t dressed in a costume with the preface of “slutty” or “naughty” (or "Britney").

2. Fat Chicks Showing Cleavage – Seriously, Please Do Not Encourage Them


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Bigger girls are great for holding purses and filling holes on your adult recreation football team’s offensive line, but Halloween is more of a holiday for women with eating disorders, boob jobs, and low self-esteem. The last thing you want to do is wake up with an extra large French maid’s costume and three empty bags of fun-sized Snickers bars on the floor the next morning. Let the bigger gals sit this holiday out. Thanksgiving is their time to shine.

Large women are a lot like killer whales. Desperate for attention, consume massive amounts of raw fish, and need to be taught right from wrong on a pretty regular basis. By sleeping with a chubby gal who thinks that her double D breasts are, in any way, attractive is just fooling herself. If breasts, regardless of size, are propped up by a sumo-sized stomach, it doesn't count as sexy and by looking at them you’re just re-enforcing bad behavior. Do you want to be part of the problem? Or part of the solution to try to get fat girls off of the streets and on a one way sewage barge to Australia.

1. Girls Who Were Able to Put Together a Hooker Costume without Having to Purchase a Single Item


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Sure, tons of normal well-adjusted girls that teach kindergarten and aren’t addicted to methamphetamines own nine-inch heels and flavored pasties, but it’s generally a better idea to play it safe and avoid anyone that shows up to a party with a price list and the free clinic phone number in her cell phone.

Happy trick or treating! And remember – It’s all fun and games until somebody goes home with a transvestite.