The Top 10 Mediocre Athletes Dating Insanely Hot Women

October 14, 2009

Apparently professional athletes, regardless of talent, always get the girl. Granted, it’s not exactly a secret that high-profile players always marry (and subsequently cheat on) beautiful women, but even the most irrelevant names in professional sports are taking home extremely attractive females.

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10. Hank Baskett (alleged NFL receiver)


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In 2006, Hank Baskett was passed up 255 straight times in the NFL draft before signing as a rookie free agent with the Minnesota Vikings, and was then promptly traded in a blockbuster deal to the Philadelphia Eagles for Billy McMullen (who may or may not currently work at a local car wash). As a member of the Eagles, Baskett thrived in his “Can you make sure we have enough Gatorade on the sidelines” role before meeting a surgically-altered blonde named Kendra Wilkinson that would eventually dump her 83-year-old polygamist boyfriend and get impregnated (presumably by Baskett) just in time for the couple to film a reality show about moving to Philadelphia. Which turned out great, considering the Eagles cut him to make room for a third-string quarterback who was fresh off a two-year stint in federal prison for extreme animal abuse. If it seems tough to keep up, don’t worry. Disney will likely put a children’s movie together based on the story.

9. Tim Hasselbeck (five career touchdown passes, 63.6 quarterback rating, and one hell of a receding hairline)


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Sure, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a horrible shrew with disturbing and dangerous opinions usually reserved for Irish dockworkers or people who brew their own moonshine, but boy does she look good spreading her patented brand of uninformed propaganda every morning. Even though she may be in bed with Satan (or at least Rush Limbaugh), she decided to marry her college sweetheart Tim Hasselbeck in 2002, just before he was asked to leave seven different professional football teams (one of which was in Europe) over a six-year span. Because if the roles were reversed, you know right when the professional athlete hit it big, the first thing they do is marry their college sweethearts.

8. Carl Pavano, Brad Penny, Russell Martin, Bary Zito, and Joe Torre (Possibly)


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Alyssa Milano is more about quantity than quality, as evident by her impressive list of aging MLB veterans. Obviously, playing the daughter of a former baseball star on Who's the Boss prepared her for a life of locker room lust, but the way Milano has slept her way through ESPN's list of the most overpaid players in baseball without getting a single one of them to propose has been the talk of the Los Angeles free clinic. In fact, according to fake reports, Slutty Cleat Chaser Magazine has decided to honor Milano's Joe DiMaggio-esque streak of nailing marginally talented ball players and will name her Bleacher Bunny of the Year for 2009. And they said she would never be on top again after Poison Ivy II.

7. Cale Hulse (retired hockey player with 16 career goals)


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This one isn’t just difficult to understand, quite frankly it’s dumbfounding. This is a guy whose one accomplishment was winning the Calder Cup trophy during a brief minor league stint with the Albany River Rats and hasn’t had a career milestone since "not getting injured" during the 2003 season as the least talented player on the Phoenix Coyotes roster. Hulse and Baywatch babe Gena Lee Nolan were married in 2004, despite athletes with actual talent still openly attracted to her. Nolan is still pursuing her career, while Hulse spends his days emailing old high school friends in Edmonton, Alberta asking “Dude, have you seen these pictures of my wife? Can you believe I’m married to that?”

6. Josh Booty (less accomplished brother of perennial NFL backup John David Booty)


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What do seven career hits for the Florida Marlins get these days? Apparently, Rachel Reynolds - one of the hottest women ever to get fondled on stage by Bob Barker - and a lifetime of listening to your fiancée explain to people why she’s perfectly happy living with someone who peaked in high school.

5. Tim Couch (biggest mistake the Cleveland Browns ever made)


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Yes, Tim Couch is compared to Ryan Leaf on a regular basis and actually lists “throwing interceptions” under the hobbies portion of his Facebook page. But what gets Couch and his incredibly hot wife on this list isn't the fact that he's become a franchise punchline, but rather the romantic story of how he and his wife finally got married…

Back when Couch was still a stud rookie (seriously, he was once called the sixth greatest high school athlete of all time), he was dating a Playboy model named Heather Kozar. Right around the same time another disappointment in waiting named Cade McNown of the Chicago Bears began sleeping with Hugh Hefner’s longtime girlfriend Brande Roderick. Predictably, Hef didn’t take too kindly to a quarterback with a negative seven career passer rating stealing his girl, so he banned McNown from the mansion.

Incensed by not being allowed to bang any of the in-house bunnies, the former UCLA star decided to start stalking Kozar - buying her presents, calling constantly and even dedicating turnovers to her on game days, a courtship technique that actually worked! Kozar ditched Couch and ran away with McNown, only to leave him months later and eventually return to Couch just in time to watch whatever was left of his career circle the NFL drain. Today, Couch and Kozar are happily married, McNown is still banned from the mansion, and Hefner’s girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson just left him for another football player. So this is sort of the NFL's white trash version of the "Circle of Life."

4. Mike Fisher (one of the reasons the Ottawa Senators are considered an Eastern Conference bottom-feeder)


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Usually when pop princesses finally hit it big, one of the first things they do is go out and get a rich, powerful, successful boyfriend. Carrie Underwood, however, decided to go a different direction. Earlier this year, the American Idol alum began dating a professional hockey player with 13 goals last season on a team that decided trading its best player aptly reflected their franchise's overall direction. The only logical benefit of this relationship has to be the fact that with the Senators eliminated from playoff contention by mid-February this year, Fisher will be able to accompany his much more famous and attractive girlfriend around the awards show circuit. "Carrie, Carrie - everyone from Access Hollywood wants to know...Who's this large Canadian gentleman holding your purse?"

3. Rony Seikaly (only NBA Alum to ever win "Ugliest Player" and "Smelliest Foreigner" in the same season)


Sourge: Kevin Mazur/Calvin Knight/Getty Images

In what can only be described as the biggest mistake to hit the NBA since Darko Milicic, Mexican supermodel Elsa Benetiz married a greasy role player named Rony Seikaly in the Spring of 1999. The perplexing marriage grabbed headlines all over the league, and made Siekaly the envy of every locker room west of Kobe Bryant's alleged rape victim. Hell, at one point in time when people still respected him, Michael Jordan looked across at a portly center who moved with the grace of an autistic hippo and said “Damn, I wish I was that guy.”

2. Tony Romo (as many NFL postseason wins as Andy Dick)


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Anybody who’s had the misfortune of watching a Cowboys’ game this year knows that Tony Romo has played with a level of mediocrity usually reserved for soap opera writing or the Florida State Seminoles. He is currently on par with Derek Jeter’s murderer’s row of ex-girlfriends, yet hasn’t won a single playoff game and has made more contributions to In Touch Weekly than the Dallas Cowboys locker room in 2009. (And on an editorial note, Sophia Bush gets my vote for hottest woman on the planet and should be dating someone with at least one conference championship and the ability to handle a field goal snap. How does Sophia Dilfer sound? Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson's cute too during her weight loss kicks.)

1. Marko Jaric (currently serves as the eighth man on the NBA’s worst team)


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Adriana Lima is easily one of the 10 hottest women on the planet, yet decided to marry one of the absolute least interesting or effective players in the entire sport of basketball. Marko Jaric (or as his franchise calls him “that guy killing our cap space”) averaged 2.6 points per game in 2009 for the Memphis Grizzlies, and has decided that scoring baskets or post-game showering just aren't part of his basketball repertoire. According to reports, the two wed almost immediately after Lima told the defensive liability that due to her strict Catholic upbringing she wouldn’t sleep with anyone before she got married…That’s right sports fans, he took her V-Card too!

Honorable Mention:

Rick Fox (skeezebag wannabe actor that got lucky playing with Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant)


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Fox is likely the most talented athlete on this list, but loses serious points for his horrendous post-playing acting career. The fact that his IMDb page is the first thing comes up when you Google his name shows just exactly how valuable a player he was when compared with his stirring two-episode stint as “Dwayne” on Ugly Betty. Eliza Dushku isn't just too hot for Fox, but also way too young to realize that back when she was in high school he did a very nice job getting out of Kobe Bryant's way.