The Top 10 Most Bizarre Sex Scandals in Sports
You know how in high school the quarterback of the football team always ends up dating the head cheerleader with low self-esteem and a bright future as a V.D. clinic receptionist? Well, the adult world isn't much different, only instead of just cheating on the prom queen with a band geek who has to do "weird things" because she's not pretty enough to just sleep around, professional athletes have really upped the ante found exciting and disturbing new ways to express their sexuality.
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10. Green Bay Packers Tight End Gets Arrested After Sleeping With His Children’s Babysitter at her High School Prom – Like a Champ
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Long before rumors of a Brett Favre-John Madden sex tape shocked the football world (and people who had never heard of a “bring your own lunch meat”-themed porno), Green Bay was the center of a sex scandal that resembled a Julia Roberts romantic comedy – only with more alleged rape and less “Apparently her movies can get even worse?” comments at the end.
In the Spring of 2000, Green Bay Packers tight end (and staunch critic of statutory rape laws) Mark Chmura decided that attending an after-prom party with the 17-year-old girl who babysat his kids was a brilliant idea. Quite frankly, it’s impossible to see how things could have possibly gone wrong after he and his 41-year-old friend rolled up to a Wisconsin post-secondary bash.
After playing drinking games in an upstairs bathroom with some teenage girls and a case of peppermint schnapps, Chmura reportedly slept with his underage date right next to the toilet seat and “World’s Number One Dad” toothbrush holder one of the father’s who didn’t have his daughter allegedly sexually assaulted by a professional football player had laying around. The possibly consensual event led to a hilarious trial (unless of course you don’t find sex with a minor funny) which ended in the acquittal of Chmura. There was, however, no word if the Chmura family was able to find a new babysitter after the ordeal.
9. Marv Albert says YES! to Sodomy and Cross-Dressing
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For a guy who looks like he carries around a platinum membership card to the local Taiwanese brothel, the world seemed pretty surprised when disturbing stories surfaced about Marv Albert’s sex life - and no, the shock was not that he, in fact, had a sex life. In 1997, the mildly popular broadcaster went on trial for “forcibly sodomizing” his 42-year-old mistress and biting her on the ass 15 times while doing so – a move made popular in the Kentucky Penal system and Vancouver Canucks locker room (allegedly).
After vehemently denying the allegations – just like O.J. Simpson and the Unabomber – DNA reports proved that the large dental impressions on the woman’s rear end belonged to Albert (which he apparently gave her while wearing women’s undergarments). This led Albert to plead guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and offer a public apology that made other sportscasters question the moral value of sodomizing the women they cheat on their wives with.
8. The Minnesota Vikings Forget Being on a Boat Doesn’t Make Oral Sex Invisible
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In October of 2005, 18 members of the Minnesota Vikings decided that instead of practicing football or having sex in the privacy of their own homes, they were going to rent a boat and fly in some hookers from Atlanta (because everyone knows they don’t have those oppressive “only one at a time” policies that Midwestern whores cling to). Led by Daunte Culpepper (who recently won the prestigious "Least Likely To Improve" award at the Detroit Lions mini-camp), the ragtag bunch of “Johns” hit Lake Minnetonka ready to show the sporting world what a few thousands dollars and Al Davis quality decision-making can do.
According to crew members who apparently didn’t want to see Bryant McKinnie receive oral sex from a woman who carries around a price list next to her Herpes medication, the team began a Greek (or Toronto Blue Jays-style) orgy minutes after the boat left the dock. The escapades ended up leading to various charges that were eventually dropped, but the mental image of a 378-pound lineman getting romantically fondled by a call girl while Fred Smoot cheers him on still haunts both sports fans and the fine crew of the Robinson Family Boat Tour company.
7. Chipper Jones Knocks Up a Hooters Waitress, Leaves Court-Mandated 18-Year Tip
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We’ve all been there before. You’re at a Hooters, it’s getting late, Dick Vitale doesn’t appear to be showing up with the blow, and that waitress who smells like silicone and divorce court is starting to look like a suitable option to bring back to your executive suite at the local Motel 8. Sure, you know violating her in the morning before receiving a complimentary continental breakfast is a great story to tell the guys at work Monday morning, but the possibility of venereal disease and aggravating your bacon grease allergies make you stop – something Atlanta Braves star Chipper Jones wasn’t quite able to do.
In 1998, after a longtime affair with a Hooters Girl (one of the classier ones who knows how to read, though), Chipper Jones heard the two words that no professional athlete ever wants to hear from the girl he’s cheating on his wife with: "I’m pregnant." That’s right, sports fans, the pride of the Braves’ infield had to have the awkward “Honey, you know that son you’ve always wanted? Well, I’m having it with the Hooters waitress I’ve been cheating on you with” conversation.
6. There’s no Crying (or Filming Gay Japanese Pornos) in Baseball
With the exception of corporate fraud and childhood obesity, there’s nothing more American than baseball (just ask the several hundred foreign players in the MLB). If you’re good enough to make the major leagues it doesn’t matter how checkered your history is. If you can swing a bat and load a syringe, you’re good to go in Bud Selig’s books.
That’s why in 2003, after Japanese teams shunned him for innocently filming a gay pornography in which he wore a leash and received a handjob from a demanding Asian gentleman (an image that would have made one hell of a rookie card), Kazuhito Tadano signed with the Cleveland Indians, who reportedly were unaware of his previous acting endeavors.
Much like electronics and MSG-rich foods, the Americans were a few years behind their Japanese counterparts and unearthed the scandal in January of 2004, forcing Tadano to give a press conference where he essentially stated “I was young, needed the money, and he told me he loved me once we were done.” He then pleaded to the staunch Ohio media that he was a heterosexual athlete who happened to star in a gay porn, which led to his eventually departure to Oakland in 2006 for a few minor league prospects and an “I slept with a Pizza Hut waitress and all I got was a case of syphilis" t-shirt that Jason Giambi used to wash his dog with.
Note: The photos in this article are being used for illustrative purposes only; any person depicted in the photos is a model.