The Top 7 Most Misguided Rap Attempts

July 23, 2008


I’ve always been under the impression that everyone who grew up off of hip hop has tried spit a few rhymes at one point or another. I rap all the time, but I keep that sh*t to myself. What makes a person with no discernable rapping skills try hit the mic? Attention? Love for the music? Street cred? Who cares! All I really wanna do is watch these idiots train wreck.

Here’s our picks for the Top 7 Most Misguided Rap Attempts…

#7 Brian Austin Green


The heartthrob from the hit TV show Beverly Hills 90210 released a rap album in 1996 with tracks such as "That's Right" featuring the Black Eyed Peas and "Beauty and Da Beats." I will admit, though, his songs aren’t that bad. It’s just a shame it’s literally impossible to take this dude seriously. Even though it was fictitious, there is no way I am listening to a hip hop track by a guy who went to West Beverly Hills High School (West Los Angeles represent, son!)


#6 Shaquille O'Neal


Why do basketball players always try to get in the rap game? Just because you can dominate the boards in the NBA doesn’t give you the right to jump on a rap track. That goes for you too Kobe!

In 1993, Orlando Magic superstar Shaquille O'Neal decided to step off the court and jump into the studio to record his hip hop debut Shaq Diesel. This record is as bad as his free-throw shooting skills. I don’t need to hear Shaq talk about how awesome he is at basketball in a song. I can watch him play the game to figure that one out. Kazaam!

#5 Sean 'Diddy' Combs


"Young, black, and famous, with money hangin out the anus" - Puff Daddy

This is why producers should not be allowed to touch a microphone. Shame on you, Diddy.


#4 Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch


I’m kinda afraid to say anything bad about Marky Mark because his alter ego Mark Wahlberg may come and kick my ass. It’s not my fault he was so lame!

In 1992, Marky Mark, younger brother to New Kid Donnie, stepped onto the scene with his Funky Bunch and delivered “Good Vibrations” This is easily one of lamest rap jams of all time and the video is just as horrible. I wonder who came up with the ideas for the music video? I’m sure Marky Mark couldn’t wait to curl concrete blocks with his huge biceps while he showed off his new Calvin Klein underwear. This is proof that models should never be allowed to rap. Get ready for the vibrations...



#3 Dee Dee Ramone


Dee Dee Ramone was darn good at counting off "1-2-3-4" and then playing his bass guitar very very fast. The guy didn’t really have the greatest voice in the world, but as a punk rocker he didn't need to. But Dee Dee wanted more.

In 1989, the New York native decided to step out of the punk rock Ramones box and reinvent himself as a rapper by the name of Dee Dee King. This was not a good career move. I understand Dee Dee wanted to relate with the African American youth in New York, but it doesn’t help if you have no idea how to construct a rhyme. Gotta love the guy for tryin’ though. RIP Dee Dee. Check out the "Funky Man"...


#2 Mr. T


Mr. T might be the single worst MC on this list. The only thing that kept him off the top spot is the fact that his rap message was from the heart. I pity the fool who can’t treat their mama right!

I understand T wanted to teach kids to do the right thing, but I don’t think a horribly written rap track was the way to go about it. If I heard this when I was in my youth I would have smacked my mom in the mouth for letting me listen to it. And who told Mr. T he was aloud to rap anyway? I know you knocked out Rocky Balboa, Mr. T, but that doesn’t give you the right to try to get ill on the mic.


#1 Vanilla Ice


The rap backlash that started it all. And I’m not talking a Tipper Gore-type backlash. I’m talking about a backlash from actual hip hop fans. This dude needed to rap no more the second a single bar fell out of his mouth. There is no reason why a guy named Robert Van Winkle should be rapping in the first place. Period.