If you’re working on a big Hollywood movie with a budget that rivals the food bills for third world dictators who rule starving nations, the cars in your movie had better be super bad-ass. We’re not paying $9.50 a ticket to have something remind us that we came to the theater in a used lime green Datsun that creates more aggravating noises than a Kiss tribute band. These are the cars that should have been towed off the set, and sold as scrap metal long before they started shooting.
10. The Volkswagen Beetle from The Love Bug movies
It’s hard to understand why anyone would want to keep Herbie hanging around their garage for longer than a minute. It’s a Volkswagen Beetle, a car reserved for people who have no money or style and yet have to be somewhere, and it’s got a mind of its own. So not only is it an ugly and useless car; but it also has its own free will. Being totally subservient was the one good quality of every car ever made and that includes the Pinto. The low acceleration and horsepower of this vehicle wouldn’t be able to win the kind of races Herbie keeps winning in real life, whether it had free will or not. It’s a ’63 Volkswagen Type 1, so even if you won the Winston Cup with it, you wouldn’t even want to be seen crossing the finish line in it.
9. The Tow Truck from Cars
Now imagine that same car; a car that’s ugly and worn out with a mind of its own, and has the voice of Larry the Cable Guy. No insurance company in the world would ask for less than $3,500 a month because chances are, the driver would want to crash it into every telephone pole on the way home from the dealership just to get it to shut the hell up.
8. The Oldsmobile Silhouette from Get Shorty
It may be the Cadillac of minivans, but in my book, it’s the Rolls Royce of sucky cars. No gangster ever looks cool in a minivan. If the FBI’s special organized crime task force wanted to break up the Gotti crime family back in the 80s, they should have gotten some of their low level operatives to drive around in Oldsmobile Silhouettes. Not only would they have been laughed away by everyone they ever extorted, but their poor safety rating from the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety would have also thinned out some of their numbers.
7. The Ford Econoline from Dumb and Dumber
Just about anything with the word “econo” in the title is bound to suck. It’s designed to be made as cheaply as possible so it will cost as little money as possible. Which also means it’s bound to be hideous, fragile and clunky. Now dress the thing up to look like a giant sheepdog and see if that redhead in Aspen will want to be seen in the same state with you.
6. The Ford LTD Family Truckster from Vacation
All family vacations are hell. You never get to go anywhere fun and it’s always something educational. You have to visit relatives who will never go out of their way to contact you unless they need money or a kidney. You have to cram your entire family and everything you’ve ever owned into a car that can barely seat four people comfortably. And to top it all off, the whole thing is puke green. It’s the car that invented carsickness.
5. The Volkswagon T2 Microbus from Little Miss Sunshine
This box van, however, makes the cramped and uncomfortable Ford station wagon feel like a skybox at Dodger Stadium. It’s not only tiny and ugly, but downright dangerous. The filmmakers had to use a stunt double during the scenes when the family had to push the van to get it started, and since the thing could only reach 50 mph when it went with the wind, the camera trucks whizzing by it made it all the more fun to drive (and by fun I mean pants-pissingly scary, or as I call it, a “Yellow Alert”).
4. The International Harvester from Teen Wolf
If you’re the big guy on campus who gets all the pretty girls to pay attention to you and draws in big crowds at the basketball game, you should have an equally cool car, not a giant UPS van that’s custom painted with your goofy ass face on the side. There is nothing remotely cool about the “Wolfmobile” from Teen Wolf, except the fact that nobody drives one.
3. The Geo Storm from Big Trouble
It’s a mystery to me why General Motors didn’t sue the makers of this movie and humorist Dave Barry, who wrote the book on which the film was based, for turning this transportation travesty into a punchline with wheels. It’s no mystery why they chose to ridicule it. It’s a car for people who have given up on life and don’t have enough money to afford a car and a gun on the same bank account. Every where it goes, it sounds like the whole engine is being cranked by hand to make it move, and the only way to get the thing above fourth gear is to turn the air conditioning and the stereo off while you’re driving it. If there is a Hell, this is the car that will get you there.
2. The Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo
Seeing this vehicle in a movie meant only one thing: there would be no cool car chases. How can you outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo, or a Cadillac sedan that’s being driven by a guy in a rubber monster outfit when you ride in a van that looks like it will tip over at the first left hand turn? It’s also just God-awful ugly. The person who painted it must have been color blind or high and, given the fact he’s hanging out with four teenagers who eat everything in sight and talk to a dog, we’re guessing he was probably high.
1. The Mercury Marquis from Uncle Buck
The car was a junker in the film, but it was crappy long before Uncle Buck got his grubby mitts on it. It’s got those ugly box covers over the headlights that look like the front of your grandmother’s China cabinet, leather upholstery that rips open like a Christmas present and an exhaust system that produces a trail of smoke that can be seen from space. The backfire on this thing even rivals some of the deck guns on most World War II ocean destroyers. So if you’re looking to embarrass a loved one in order to force them to love you back, then this is the car for you.