The Top Seven Ways to Turn a Friend into a Friend with Benefits

August 28, 2009

A friend with benefits (FWB) is the perfect type of friend. The two of you can enjoy endless amounts of casual sex without any of the messiness of a romantic relationship. As long as the correct boundaries are established and neither party forms any emotional attachment, it can be the perfect type of relationship. But it's not as easy as it sounds.

Source: Tim Platt/Iconica/Getty Images

7. Seek Out a Career Girl


Source: Getty Images

The great thing about a FWB is the convenience factor. You can get laid without having to court a woman. There are no outrageous bar tabs, expensive Italian dinners, or long walks on the beach at dusk. If you're feeling horny and it’s late, you can politely call up your FWB and she’ll (usually) show up. It’s the perfect arrangement for a person who's too busy to date but still has sexual desires that need to be fulfilled.

You’ll most likely have more success targeting a female friend who also has a busy schedule and works way too much. We’re talking women like those in Sex in the City. They want it all – but they don’t have the time. This is where you step in. Call that female friend up who’s constantly complaining about how they’re too busy to meet anyone, organize some drinks, and then get busy with her.

George, a 32-year-old security broker from New York City likes to pursue career women. He says “women with busy careers make great FWBs because they love schedules and will always give you a deadline. To them it’s purely business and I like that.” If you take this route, the woman is likely to be older. However, the upside to this is that they’ll most likely be wealthier. This could mean you gain a sugar momma. It’s a win-win!

6. Be Discreet


Source: Jon Feingersh/Blend Images/Getty Images

The trick with turning a friend into a FWB is to be discreet about it. Don’t blab your intentions to the world and definitely don’t discuss it with your mutual friends. If a girl has any inkling that you’ve discussed this with your buddies, she will run a mile away. Women may be just as horny and sexual as men, but they don’t want to be viewed as easy, slutty, or promiscuous.

Be careful of blurring the lines between being a FWB and having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. This means that you keep the activities you do together solely in the bedroom. Don’t grab her inappropriately in front of your friends. There is absolutely no room for going to the movies together, grabbing brunch after a marathon sex session, or meeting each other’s parents for Thanksgiving. One of the great thrills of a FWB is that no one needs to know about it.

5. Complain About Relationships


Source: Gone Wild/Digital Vision/Getty Images

The surest way to turn a friend into a FWB is to destroy their belief in conventional relationships.  If a woman is single and not dating anyone, then she’s probably holding out for “the one.” You need to make it your mission to destroy that illusion. Tell her that “the one” doesn’t exist.

Bond together over your single status. Have deep and meaningful conversations over the struggles of dating and finding that special person. Use her negative experiences to your advantage. Prophesize how simple it would be to have a relationship that was purely about sex, devoid of the crap associated with dating.

Have a list ready of all the negative aspects of dating and relationships. Outline the benefits of a FWB situation in a hypothetical way. Do everything in your power to get her seriously thinking about it and see what happens. All humans have sexual needs and sometimes all it takes is someone to speak the truth, break it down, and make it easy for her to say “Yes.”

4. Target a Newly Single Friend


Source: David Black/Stone+Getty Images

If you have a female friend who has recently broken up with a long term boyfriend, then you have a limited window to jump in and become her FWB. It’s a little sleazy but you have to act like a scavenger, because if you don’t make it happen ASAP then some other dude will. People who are recently single are generally vulnerable and desperate to hook up with whoever crosses their path with a pulse. Make sure that someone is you.

Roger from Pittsburgh has gotten it on with a couple of college friends who had recently been dumped. He says for the most part the FWB arrangement worked out great. “We had great sex,” Roger says. “She got over her ex and I got frequent casual sex.”

It is important to be wary when entering the FWB zone with a friend recently out of a relationship. Recently Roger hooked up with a newly single friend who was carry a lot of emotional baggage. He said, “She wanted me to be a shoulder to cry on. She was constantly talking about her ex, got all clingy on me, and wanted to have ‘the talk.’” Don’t stand for this. If they break the FWB rules then it’s time to break it off.

3. Get Drunk


Source: Getty Images

The surest way to get it on with your friend is to get rip-roaringly drunk and let nature take its course. Because you are friends it should be relatively easy to get her back to your place. Once there, pile on the tequila or whatever poison takes your fancy. Gossip about your friends, flirt, and then suggest you play spin the bottle – just the two of you.

Whatever you do, make sure at some point you go in for the kill and see what happens. If it goes belly-up, then you can blame the booze. If something happens and you both wake up the next morning filled with regret, then you can blame the booze. If you both discover you have the perfect FWB situation, then you can thank the booze. Whatever the outcome, it’s worth a shot (or two, or three).

2. Make Her Jealous


Source: Digial Vision/Getty Images

So you’ve got a female friend that you’d like to turn into a f*** buddy, but how do you work out if she’s up for it? It’s simple. You make her jealous. If you’re successful, you’ll be out of the friend zone and into the getting-some action-between-the-sheets zone.

Thomas, a 25-year-old grad student from Sacramento, CA, swears by what he calls the Seinfeld technique, which is an adaption of the switch-a-roo method from the episode where George uses his girlfriend to get to her hot friend. The trick with this method is to apply it to two female friends who are highly competitive.

“Approach the girl you want to make your FWB,” says Thomas. “Then say you’re interested in starting the FWB arrangement with her friend and see how she reacts. She’ll most likely get jealous and her competitive nature will kick in. Then she’ll do everything in her power to ensure she’s your FWB.”

Once you’ve said you’re interested in her friend, use her reaction as a guide to proceed. If she says something to the effect of, “Why her?” you can this clever comeback -- "Because she reminds me of you. I'd love to have sex with you, but I didn't think you'd be into a non-committed casual sexual thing." Now see if that works.

1. Ask Her


Source: Dreamlight/Taxi/Getty Images

The surest way to turn a friend into a FWB is to straight out ask her. This is far from romantic and will most likely be embarrassing, but remember a FWB situation is not about romance, love, or feelings. It’s about no-strings-attached sex.

That said it is important to be respectful and honest when broaching the subject. Be upfront and lay all your cards on the table. Describe what you want and be adult about it. You need to make it clear that you are not after a romantic relationship or looking to date. Set clear boundaries, such as no kissing in public, going out on dates, or ever doing boyfriend/girlfriend activities. Do not blur the line between banging and dating. This is purely about getting it on. Also note that that this will affect your friendship, whether you like it or not.

The key to asking her to be a FWB is to do it in a non-threatening manner. Look for an opportune time to ask. Lorne of Tampa, Florida recently asked a good friend to be his FWB. “My current FWB was recently out of a relationship,” he says. “We’d been friends for ages and I knew she’d been really busy.  I asked her over Instant Message and she was up for it. If she wasn’t cool, I’d have said I was joking.” IM or email is a great way to approach the FWB conversation. If it doesn’t pan out your can always say you were making a bad joke.

Be prepared to get rejected and laugh it off. If she does say no and your feelings are hurt, then it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

Above all, remember that feelings are not part of the FWB equation. Ever.