Tiger Woods Claims Acting Slutty Does Have a Downside

February 19, 2010

In his highly publicized and heavily guarded press conference earlier this morning, the man who sources claim used to be a pretty talented golfer made some interesting statements about the last ten years of his life.

The first, and perhaps grossest, claim Tiger Woods made was the he “felt entitled" and "deserved to enjoy the temptations around him.” The part-time commercial actor essentially said that because of his hard work on the golf course, he thought he earned a life of sexual promiscuity and whatever other spoils come along with being a professional athlete.

Apparently, he was mistaken.

Much to the shock of the 12 or so reporters allowed to attend the conference, Woods noted that sleeping with women who vaguely resemble his wife can have negative consequences.

Woods also wanted to clear up any speculation (and numerous reports by people close to the situation), that his wife attacked him with a three iron after finding out about his sex-capades. Much like the O.J. Simpson case, we are reportedly still trying to find the “real attackers.”

He then ended the press conference by reading the words off of a motivational poster in the background which said “it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome.”

I guess the “hang in there” kitty poster was too far away to see.

Anyway, if you care about whatever else his P.R. team wrote for him to say, here’s a link to the transcript

Oh, and he will be returning to therapy immediately, but will return to golf "eventually."

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