Top Seven Stupidest Advocacy Groups

April 22, 2011
It doesn't matter what an issue is, there's somebody angry about it. We're sure somebody, right now, is absolutely furious that your grocery store doesn't stock unicorn meat and is writing somebody a letter about it. But there are groups that take even extreme points beyond all sanity. Such as...

7. Matter of Trust

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Matter of Trust seems like a fairly straightforward organization; they find surpluses of various items and turn them into something else, or hooks up another charity with the surplus. Generally, it looks absolutely normal, until you realize when they say “natural fiber surplus”, they

To be fair, unlike the rest of the groups on here, Matter of Trust isn't totally daffy insofar as turning your hair into mats or big tubes or...sock monkeys...look, the point is, the hair does actually suck up the oil. So it works.

It's just...really? Sock monkeys? Out of human hair? You think that's cute? That doesn't have a little bit of a “serial killer” vibe to you?

6. The National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers (NOCIRC)

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NOCIRC has a position on circumcision: as you might have guessed from their acronym, they're against it. And their position isn't totally unreasonable: there's absolutely no evidence that circumcision does...well...much of anything, really, good or bad. It's kind of like George Lopez; nobody really cares about it except for a few people with way too much time on their hands, and yet it's just kinda there. Actually, we take that back; foreskins are much funnier than George Lopez.

On the other hand, NOCIRC also tends to write their “unbiased” pamphlets as if your son will have a bleeding, warped penis that feels nothing and will hate you forever if youcircumcise him, something the World Health Organization disagrees with.

Their brochure about an intact penis also describes having a foreskin as a “wondrous discovery” for a child. Which, dude, gross, seriously.

Worth noting: 30% of the planet is going around with a foreshortened tip, and few of them seem to care. Although we guess if you want to spend all day thinking about penises, this is probably the most legit way to go about it.

5. National Alliance for Breastfeeding Advocacy

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Yes, there is a lobbying group for women who want to breastfeed. No, they do not include any instructional pictures or videos. Go to the rest of the Internet for boobies.

Apparently the head of NABA has been at this since 1985, so we guess politics have always had boobs on the brain. Still, we've got to wonder what the hell has been going on that NABA insists that “Mothers meet numerous cultural, institutional, and commercial barriers to both initiation and continuation of optimal breastfeeding.” Cultural and institutional we get, but commercial? What, did Nestle and Carnation get together and design a little tollbooth glued to new moms' boobs when they're not looking?

They also refer heavily to the Code, which they kind of take for granted people know what it is, and makes you think you have to take an oath or something to join NABA. It made us think that all mothers are secretly sworn into a breastfeeding society where they fight like superheroes against evil enormous food conglomerates.

Instead it turns out to be the gripping reading “Code for Marketing of Breast-Milk Substitutes,” courtesy of the World Health Organization. They want you to report Code violations. Of course, the Code in question isn't legally binding in any way, shape or form as far as we can tell, but you should still report violations. It's important.

4. The Prohibition Party

Photo: Peter Stackpole/Getty Images

Hey, remember back in the '20s, when they decided to ban alcohol, immediately touching off a huge organized crime problem and creating one of the biggest failed social experiments in human history? The political party that ran it?

Still around! Although we're not sure they've updated their website since 1996.

Yes, despite the fact that alcohol has well and truly decided this one, winning in a knockout, the Prohibition Party is still around, still running candidates, and still trying to tell people that God hates booze. You can even still download their 2004 platform, which we're not totally sure isn't just written by some angry old guy as his entry on one of those consarned blog machine thingajiggers, which bags on the New York Times before we even finish the first page, a new record for cranky old people. We didn't get to the part where they complain that the Saturday Evening Post is never delivered to their house anymore, so we're not sure where they get their news.

We didn't read the whole thing, but we're pretty sure there's a resolution for getting those damn kids off the Prohibition Party's lawn. Also, it kind of fails to inspire us because after reading about half of it, we had to go get a drink.

3. Mothers Against Video Game Addiction and Violence

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Well, we can understand that. Little kids shouldn't be playing “Bulletstorm” or anything, especially since they're really irritating on chat. That's what this group is about, right?

“Video game addiction is without a doubt, becoming this century's most increasingly worrisome epidemic, comparable even to drug and alcohol abuse. All the while, the video game industry continues to market and promote hatred, racism, sexism, and the most disturbing trend: clans and guilds, an underground video game phenomenon which closely resembles gangs.”

First off, we want to point out that this is the second paragraph on their website. Secondly, we want to point out that we didn't bold or italicize anything in that paragraph. That's all them. They really believe that a bunch of Mountain Dew swilling nerds are the same thing as a bunch of young men born in difficult social circumstances turning to crime, and that somebody playing “Peggle” is the same thing as injecting heroin.

OK, maybe there, they've got a point.

Of course, since they haven't updated their front page since 2007, featuring an article about Jack Thompson, maybe they just decided to “infiltrate” World of Warcraft and never stopped playing. Hope you enjoy Cataclysm, MAVAV!

2. The Voluntary Human Extinction Movement

Photo: Brandy Anderson/Getty Images

OK, we really have to give these guys an award or something, because they have the most hilarious slogan out of all these groups: “Thank You For Not Breeding.” We'd buy bumper stickers of that. We know several people we'd give them to as gifts. Or hints.

Basically, the VHEMT thinks we've destroyed the planet and we really need to go away and let it recover. By not breeding. Not as in “not having sex”, mind you, although that's the most effective way to not have babies, just by everyone, on the planet, not reproducing until we die off as a species.

Of course, there's the small problem of this going against the basic drives and needs of your average human being. Also, babies are cute, albeit high in cholesterol. There's also that whole “broken condom” problem, but we're sure VHEMT is working on that one. Well, they'd better be, that strikes us as a great way to keep people from reproducing. Haven't these people seen “Maury?” If they create an unbreakable condom, it'd probably wipe trailer parks off the map.

1. The Quebec Liberation Front

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It only lasted seven years, but it managed to kill eight people and trigger 160 terrorist incidents. They were angry. They were dangerous.

They wanted to free Quebec from...the tyranny of Canada. No, seriously! We're not kidding! They actually exist! They had a manifesto and everything!

Here's our first problem: the words “Canada” and “tyranny” just don't fit together. The words technically make sense in the order they're read, but the image it creates defies all logic. In fact, our word processor popped up a helpful little window saying “we see you're talking about tyranny! Did you mean any other country instead of Canada?” The FLQ, as they were called, wanted a French-speaking socialist society. You know, like Quebec.

Secondly, we don't want to downplay the deadliness or the horror of the Quebec Liberation Front, which touched off a serious public safety problem called the October Crisis, but when members attempt to firebomb coffee shops because their names aren't in French, we're forced to wonder if this isn't Canada just getting back at us for all those “What's that in real money?” and “eh?” jokes, or maybe they saw all that terrorist stuff in the '60s, saw that everyone in Canada was too polite to actually blow up a building, and felt a little left out.

“Oh yeah, biiiiiiig terrorist group up here. Killed people, ya know. All sorts of terrorists. We call it the Great White Terror up here. Demanded ransoms in Canadian Tire Money, don'tchaknow?”