America's recently launched "War on Obesity" has claimed a lot of victims. Romeo Crennel, Ken Hitchcock, and Mark Mangino were all casualties of this senseless battle, while hundreds of others nervously await the judgmental hand of fate. Luckily, nine brave (and sugar-coated) souls are surviving the battle and remain gainfully employed despite public pressure to replace them with thinner, and less disgusting, options.
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9. Stan Van Gundy, Orlando Magic
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Walking down the streets of Disneyworld every morning and hearing sexual deviants routinely scream “Wow, Ron Jeremy has really let himself go,” can’t be easy. Then again, taunts like “I hope he gets thinner as he gets closer” and “Sir, you can’t supersize a box of doughnuts” is a lot better than being publicly recognized as a close relative of Jeff Van Gundy.
Fortunately for Stan the Man, he just turned 50 years old this year, which is when males with histories of weight issues and high stress jobs usually get into much better shape.
8. Barry Trotz, Nashville Predators
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After the Columbus Blue Jackets sent Ken Hitchcock and his extensive collection of moustache combs waddling to the unemployment line earlier this year, the NHL needed to pass along the XXL “fattest coach” sash down the trough. Unfortunately for Barry Trotz, he was next in line.
Objectively speaking, Trotz lies somewhere between Drew Carey and Nelson Muntz on the obesity scale. By NHL standards, however, he is a bit on the hefty side. Since the majority of professional hockey coaches are in phenomenal shape, it doesn’t take too much body fat to climb the chubby coach power rankings.
Had Trotz elected to lead an NFL (not NHL) team to a promising first round playoff loss this season, he probably wouldn’t have made this list.
7. Don Nelson
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Some people thought that when Don Nelson became the winningest NBA coach of all-time he would let all the attention go to his head. Fortunately, the critics were wrong. It clearly went to hips.
Since hanging up his collegiate basketball jersey with two All-American emblems stitched above the left shoulder, Nelson has enjoyed a trans-fat filled adult life that makes him an excellent candidate for both the “American Airlines Media Buffet Lifetime Achievement Award” and “Bed Four” at the diabetes clinic in downtown Oakland.
6. Wade Phillips
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Nearly 45 years ago, Wade Phillips was one of the greatest linebackers the University of Houston had ever seen. He led his team in various statistical categories and did not have to get his pants let out before every press conference. Today, Phillips gets to tell people he used to be one of the greatest linebackers the University of Houston had ever seen. (High school reunions and old photographs must be a little painful to look at, though. If only Jessica Simpson was still dating his starting quarterback, Phillips could probably borrow her copy of So, You’ve Let Yourself Go….)
5. Tom Cable
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In all fairness, using powdered sugar and freeze dried waffles as a means of dealing with Al Davis is a healthier alternative than bathing in self-doubt and shattered dreams. If heightened glucose levels are the only side effect Cable walks away with by the time Davis breaks his spirit and replaces him with a younger, more attractive “trophy coach,” Cable has clearly walked away better than most.
4. Lou Piniella
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“Fat Lou,” as he is affectionately called by people who don’t find his failed attempts to help the Chicago Cubs win a World Series adorable, suffers from the same affliction as Barry Trotz. Without any truly obese coaches combing the MLB sidelines, Piniella has reluctantly become the fat kid at the coach’s summit by default.
It’s sort of like summer camp. There has to be a fat kid that gets picked on – regardless of actual obesity levels – and in the MLB, the portly pickee just so happens to be a guy who owns a Minor League Baseball team called “The Montgomery Biscuits.”
3. Mike McCarthy
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According to anecdotal (and in no way statistically verified) accounts around the Spike.com offices, there are a lot of fat people in Wisconsin. So, while it may seem like Mike McCarthy celebrated running Brett Favre out of town with a three-year Krispy Kreme binge, it’s also entirely possible that he’s simply trying to fit in with the Lambeau Field faithful by insulating himself properly for the winter.
2. Andy Reid
Some coaches start their careers after successful jaunts as professional athletes. Others, begin their path to the sidelines from the broadcast booth as play-by-play announcers. Andy Reid, however, made his foray into sports as a hot dog vendor at Dodgers Stadium during his teenage years that were likely spent hoarding cafeteria gravy and being forced to wear t-shirts while swimming in public pools.
The portly Philadelphia Eagles bench boss lists his physical stats as “unknown,” but with the weight of an entire city’s delusional Super Bowl hopes on his doughy shoulders, it’s conceivable to think that a traditional scale may not be able to render a proper BMI reading.
On an ironic side note, Reid met his wife during a physical education class at BYU.
1. Rex Ryan
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Earlier this year, Rex Ryan entered a weight loss competition with two of the most horizontally challenged members on the New York Jets roster. In order to help win the bet, Ryan elected to have lap band surgery – a medical procedure which is used to help “fight obesity through instant weight loss” – instead of a long-term commitment to fitness and healthy eating.
Shockingly, this strategy (which some may call cheating) didn’t work, and Ryan lost the wager. He now remains the fattest kid at training camp and 27 pounds away from being able to see his feet.