Here we go again. Another year has gone by and the music industry has once again given us the music video junk food we’ve all been asking for. As much as we hate on all things horrible in the music world, seeing "artists" completely fail at their shot at fortune and fame is often pretty entertaining.
10. Mariah Carey – “Obsessed”
This list would not be complete without a trainwreck by one of the world’s most untalented directors. With “Obsessed,” Brett Ratner makes Mariah Carey dress up as a scary dude and sing the smash pop single "Obsessed" while stalking herself around New York City.
First off, no one can overstylize like Ratner. He just seems to do outlandish s*** just so he can waste the money. Mariah’s performance as a dude is also extremely awkward, if not downright ridiculous. Mariah trying to act macho is like the equivalent of Paris Hilton’s music career. It will never be taken seriously. Ratner did direct the awesome "Triumph" video for Wu-Tang, but that doesn’t give him the right to glue man-stubble on Mariah Carey’s face and hide her boobs away from the world.
Mr. Ratner also made the worst music videos list last year for the Miley Cyrus video "7 Things." Way to go Brett!
9. Jonas Brothers – “Fly With Me”
Who wants to see yet another video of the Jonas Brothers goofing around during one of their gigantic super tours?!
Yet again, the dorky-ass Jonas Brothers do a complete replica of almost every single hair metal music video ever made. The only difference here is that the video for “Fly With Me” is more of a Disney version than classics like “Home Sweet Home” or “Pour Some Sugar on Me.”
I will admit that I listened to some pathetic pop music when I was a kid, but none of it even comes close to sucking as hard as the Jonas Brothers. Can’t parents just step up their game and block their kids from obsessing over this garbage? How did the Jonas boners even survive another year?
8. Jay Sean feat. Lil Wayne – “Down”
I still can’t believe that this was one of the biggest and most popular songs of the year. If it took Jay Sean more than a minute to write this song, he’s seriously a total f***ing moron. “Down” has to be very high on the list for having the simplest chorus ever recorded. Why do we love to torture ourselves with this throwaway junk? This is proof that the world is slowly creeping to its 2012 end.
Aside from the music, the video itself is equally bad. I had no idea that a music video could make a song even cheesier, but Jay Sean totally pulled it off with his dorky narcissistic antics. From the random synchronized dance moves during a staged party to Jay Sean’s endless douchey gazes into the camera, this is easily one of the biggest pop s***storms of the year.
7. Puddle of Mudd - "Spaceship"
Ouch. Just ouch. Watching this video is seriously painful. Really painful. It’s a total mess. I can’t believe that this band actually had the balls to start this video Star Wars-style with the following text: “A long time ago in a galaxy far a wasted I’m basted c’mon yeah.” Are you f***ing kidding me?! Wes Scantlin must have the mind of a child to write lyrics like this.
I’m surprised a band as bad as Puddle of Mudd would even try to stay relevant in this age of the internets. They could have gotten away with this crap back in the TRL days of MTV, but now that everyone on planet earth can finally express their hatred for all things suck, you would think that POM would have taken an endless vacation from the music world and left the interwebs to professional musicians with actual skill. Although it is nice to finally get revenge for all of the Alice In Chains/Pearl Jam knockoffs that rose to fame back in the late-‘90s. I’m really hoping Godsmack will make a comeback so they can top this list next year.
6. Ron Browz – “Jumping Out The Window”
What the hell has happened to the hip-hop/rap genre in the past few years? It somehow went from groundbreaking to straight up bubblegum pop for the masses almost overnight. The overuse of Auto-Tune might be one of the biggest reasons for this sad state of affairs. There have been a lot of really bad Auto-Tuned tracks over the past year, but New York City native Ron Browz truly deserves the top prize in this category.
With “Jumping Out The Window,” producer Ron Browz attempts to take the rap scene by storm with a new club anthem, but fails miserably by unleashing a skin-curdling pop disaster. The only upside are the hot chicks dancing around in skimpy clothes. Besides that, this is so bad that it seems like a parody of the worst Auto-Tune rap video imaginable. This has to be fake, right? Right?
5. Tokio Hotel - "Automatic"
What can I say about this band that I haven’t already said? Truthfully…not much. The band is as untalented as it gets and anyone who isn’t a naive 12-year-old girl knows this to be true.
With the video for the mind-numbingly bad pop-rock single "Automatic," the German boys of Tokio Hotel deliver one of the most pointless and utterly asinine music videos of the year. Watch in awe as the band drives sports cars in the desert while lead singer Bill Kaulitz strikes over-the-top poses trying to mimic what he thinks a rock star is supposed to be. The song itself is also very bad. I fart better lyrics in my sleep. For real. And don’t even get me started on the weird premise of the video. Robots in love? Really? What a waste of time and money.
4. Confide - "Such Great Heights"
Worst cover of 2009? I’m leaning towards a resounding yes.
Most of us are all familiar with The Postal Service tune "Such Great Heights" due to an endless string of UPS commercials starring that crafty dry erase dude. I guess Confide really got attached to this song because they took it upon themselves to step out of their genre box and take a go at covering a song with a much softer composition. This was not a very good idea. These guys really need to put down the flatiron and stick to their metalcore roots. Leave the indie-pop to depressed hipster professionals, dudes.
3. Bangs –“Take U to Da Moives”
I feel kinda bad for talkin’ mad s*** on Bangs, but with a music video this bad I truly have no choice.
In the video for his viral behemoth “Take U To Da Movies,” Sudanese hip-hop "superstar" Bangs jumps in the game head first and lays out the greatest first date of all time with some of the most basic rhymes this world has ever heard. The extremely cheesy backrounds are a great touch as well as Bangs’ interpretation of what hip-hop is supposed to be. *Facepalm*
But you gotta give the kid credit for at least trying to take his shot at the brass ring. I guess.
2. brokeNCYDE feat. E-40 – “Booty Call”
I really don’t know how these a-holes do it. How can you be so awful and not even know it? You would think the Internet would have informed you by now that you’re the worst thing ever created. I guess endless praise from 13-year-old girls has somehow kept brokeNCYDE going strong for more than just 15 minutes.
brokeNCYDE topped our Worst Music Videos list last year and I’m happy to say that the craptacular screamo-crunkers have left us nothing but satisfied with a video release of the horrific track “Booty Call.” Even though it’s not as bad as the video for their viral smash "Freaxxx," “Booty Call” still shows off the band’s stupid shenanigans and ear-bleeding music concoctions. Why can’t these idiots just go away?!
Side note: Shame on you, E-40.
1. Adam Lambert - "Time For Miracles"
Apparently the only thing better than running for your life during the apocalypse is watching on as the runner-up winner of American Idol lip-syncs a super cheesy-ass pop ballad from the movie 2012. Yeah, that's the ticket.
In my opinion, the thing about this video that sets it apart from all others on this list is the sheer size and scope of the project. This video was made by a large crew of professionals with a ridiculous budget and the end result was still a pile of pop sentimental trash. The term "Epic FAIL" does even not do this video justice.
Congrats, Adam. You are the worst of the worst!